Gotta Have My Pops... Blog

Look at this beautiful handbag!

2008-01-03T10:12:00.001-08:00

For a little extra, you can get the strap studded with conflict diamonds!

“Lost” – Stranger in a Strange Land

2007-02-22T11:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Lost,

Have you been reading my diary? Because how else would you know how to pack an episode chock full of every single aspect of the show that I hate. Not only was it a Jack back story – and the TENTH one at that – but it could not have been about a more pointless topic. Did anyone ever ask how Jack got his tattoos? Of course not, because everyone knows that the actor, Matthew Fox, has them, therefore the character he plays will have them, too. After all, it IS a fictional television program we’re all watching. And there’s a laundry list of about 1000 things that warrant an explanation above Jack’s tattoos. What’s next, and story about why Hurley’s fat, or Charlie’s British?

In addition to being pointless, the back story had no payoff and featured Bai Ling, who’s one of the worst “actresses” working in Hollywood. Also, why did those Thai dudes beat the shit out of Jack? It might have helped to explain that. Here’s how I would have handled that whole back story:

EXT. BEACH

Jack sits on the beach, bobbing his head and acting emotional about something. The NUMBERS are prominently displayed in random places for no reason. Libby crosses, looks to camera, then crosses off. Hurley waddles over eating a jar of mayonnaise with his bare hands.

HURLEY
Hey dude. What’s up with the tats, dude?

JACK
Oh these? Well, I was bumming around Thailand
for a while, and I met this crazy Thai broad that I ended up banging.

HURLEY
Nice.

JACK
Totally. She gave me this tattoo, then her
brother beat the shit out of me for no reason.

HURLEY
Damn. Bitches be crazy.
(they fist bump)
So what do they mean?

JACK
Something like, “He walks among us, but he is not one of us.”

HURLEY
What the fuck?

JACK
I don’t know. I was wicked drunk when I got it.

Do I have their voices down or what!

All right, you get it. I hated the back story. Let’s chat about the main stories. Jack is moved from the aquarium to the polar bear cage in order for Juliet to move into his old abode. In a moment I couldn’t even believe I was seeing, Jack actually mentions to Mr. Friendly, aka “Tom”, about how the Others kidnapped Claire, hung Charlie, and did a bunch of other horrible things, to which Tom replies by tapping his “glass house” and saying, “I’ll get you some stones.” What does that mean! Jack survived a fucking plane crash, and when other survivors were systematically kidnapped and killed with no explanation, he got pissed. How dare he!

So then, while Jack is asleep in the bear cage, he awakened by a group of people. Among them are Cindy, the flight attendant of 815, and the kids that were kidnapped from the Tailies. Boy, if I were Jack I would have a bunch of questions for her, one of them being “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!” After getting a bunch of cryptic nonsense responses, Jack just dismisses them entirely. At this point I, myself, have adopted Jack’s head-bobbing, neck vein-bulging fury.

Then Jack and Juilet have a moment – Alex tells Jack that she’s going to be executed for killing douche bag – and Jack saves her life by getting Ben to stay her execution and brand her instead. Luckily she can cover up that nasty scar with a sexy lower back tribal tattoo. And Jack knows a crazy bitch in Thailand that could give her a deal.

Oh, and Kate and Sawyer make it to the big Island, argue, Sawyer gives Karl a talk about women, and we CUT TO: Karl and Alex gazing at the same constellation while cheesy music plays.

Score:
Back Story: 0
Island Story: 2
Total: 2 (a new record!)

Here’s some crap that might be more interesting than anything that went on in the episode:

Matthew Fox’s actual tattoo means something completely different from what they said it means. It actually means, “Eagles high, cleaving sky” and is from a poem penned by fun-loving Chinese dictator Mao Zedong. So basically the writers, who go out of their way to make sure that the fans have to freeze frame every scene so they can analyze that shit in the background, were just hoping that none of them understood Chinese. Good thing it’s only spoken by a quarter of the world’s population.
Oh yeah, it’s Chinese, not Thai, like we were supposed to this it was.
Here’s some screenshots that are totally uninteresting, like how Juliet’s brand might be an upside-down Scientology symbol. And I thought I couldn’t hate it anymore than I already did. http://losteastereggs.blogspot.com

Now that we got that business out of the way, let’s talk about the Oscars. Last year I got 7 of 8 major categories, but this year I have no idea. It’s an absolute toss up for a bunch of categories, but here goes:

Locks: Cars for Animated Film, Pan’s Labyrinth for Foreign Film, Children of Men for Cinematography, An Inconvenient Truth for Documentary.

Most random nomination: Click for make-up?!

Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls. Wasn’t a huge fan of the movie, but that scene where she belting out “You’re gonna love me” gave me chills.

Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy for Dreamgirls. His pompadour gave me chills. Although the scene where the Jackie Earle Haley jerks off in the car in Little Children was my favorite scene of the year (narrowly beating Borat’s naked wrestling).

Actor: Forest Whitaker. He was pretty badass in Last King of Scotland. And I haven’t seen any of the other four performances.

Actress: Helen Mirren. Unbelievable in The Queen. And she’s amazing hot for an old lady.

Original Screenplay: This one I really have no idea. I thought Little Miss Sunshine at first, but then I thought the academy may lean towards Babel. I’m gonna say it’s going to Little Miss Sunshine because Babel’s gonna win some other stuff.

Adapted Screenplay: Again, no idea. Children of Men was one of my favorite movies of the year – so I would love to see it get something major besides Cinematography. Notes and Little Children were both awesome scripts. Borat’s not Oscar-worthy. The Departed may win a lot – and it was a decent-enough script. I need help, people, what do you think? But for now I’m going to say… Little Children.

Director: Scorcese. It’s Marty’s year, too bad it’s not for a better movie.

Picture: I have no clue. Either The Departed will win everything, or Babel will. Or those two will split the vote and Little Miss Sunshine will win everything. I would be annoyed if Iwo Jima won because I wasn’t a fan of that one at all. But then there’s The Queen, which despite being a glorified Movie of the Week, I thought it was amazing and engaging. But for now I’m saying… The Departed.

I would love to hear you thoughts. I need some wisdom for my various office pools.

"Lost" - Flashes Before Your Eyes

2007-02-15T11:14:00.000-08:00

"Lost" - Flashes Before Your Eyes

"No matter what I do, you're gonna die, Charlie."

Let me kick off this week's recap but saying that I really enjoyed this episode. That may be because it was completely different from all the other previous episodes that I have somewhat despised this season, but either way this Desmond-centric ep was enough for Lost to redeem itself to me. But don't worry, I have faith that I'll be bitching about the show soon after tonight's Jack-centric episode. I wonder if Jack's stubborn qualities put a strain on some personal relationship he has?

All right, let's do a quick recap. And you can click on the links to see screen caps of stuff you may have missed. The teaser starts on the island with Charlie and Hurley ransacking Sawyer's tent, which is filled with mac and cheese, Nabokov literature, and Fijian porn. Desmond walks in on them and tells them to follow him to the jungle. There they see Locke and Sayid who tell them that Eko was "killed by the island" and Locke needs them to do some damage control so everyone doesn't freak out when they hear the news and murder Locke for being absurdly vague. Suddenly Desmond gets a weird look on his face and goes darting off back to the beach. At the beach, he dives in the water and rescues a drowning Clarie (who now has bangs for some reason). After reviving her on the beach, Hurley comes to the realization that Desmond "sees the future, dude."

So, the dynamic duo hatch a plan to get Desmond so stinking drunk and singing Scottish folk songs that he'll drop his guard and come clean about seeing the future. At first Desmond refuses, but after seeing the kind of whiskey, MacCutcheon 60, he agrees. So after a round of singing "Shagging the farmer daughter, guv'nor", Charlie asks Des how he knew Claire was drowning. At first Desmond dodges the question, then he walks away after Charlie asks about the lightning. Once Charlie calls him a coward, Desmond snaps and attacks him.

Flashback to: The Hatch, and the events leading up to Des turning the fail safe key. After he turns the key, we see his life flash before his eyes. Then we come upon that familiar shot of the single eyeball, but this time it belongs to Desmond, and he's covered in red paint. Moments later we find out that he's in his and Penny's flat in England, but now he's in 1996.

As Desmond readies for a job interview with Penny's father, a known rich douche bag who hates Desmond, he's reminded of he life on the island - it's 1:08pm, the microwave sounds like the computer for the button, Penny says if Des doesn't get the job "it's not the end of the world." This continues later when Desmond hears a delivery man say he's has a parcel "for (4) 815," and when Des is in Mr. Widmore's office, the painting he has hanging up has a polar bear, and Buddha, and "NAMASTE" spelled in reverse. As expected, Mr. Widmore ain't much of a fan of Desmond, especially after he refuses the job and asks for Penny's hand in marriage. In fact, he goes as far as to say that Desmond isn't worth a swig of his MacCutcheon whiskey.

Outside the building, Desmond sees Charlie play his guitar (and horribly, I might add). He's singing Oasis' "Wonderwall", and sings the lyrics, "Maybe, you're gonna be the one who saves me." Desmond flashes back (or forward) to the hatch and recognizes him as Charlie from the island. Desmond starts remembering and freaking out. He ends up predicting the rain, and realizes he has to seek the help of his bearded and bespeckled Indian friend, Donovan. I'm still partial to Mohinder Suresh for my Indian British-accented professors. Desmond asks him the question that, for some reason, makes people in movies and TV shows display looks of immediate concern... "What do you know about time travel?" So Desmond tells his whole story to Donovan over a pint, and Donovan understandable thinks he's full of shite. However, once the song "Make Your Own Kind of Music" - which we all remember from the premiere of season 2 as the song Des played in the hatch right before Locke blew the door off - it triggers his memory, and he comes up with predictions about who wins the "football" match and how the bartender will be cracked in the face with a cricket bat (presumably for stealing old Gulliver's kidney pie). But once that doesn't happen, Desmond goes home to his loving Penelope who tells him he's a good man.

The next day he's off shopping for wedding rings sold by Ms. Hawking. After he says he'll take the ring she showed him, she says "You don't take the ring, Desmond." She then goes on to map out the next years of his life - from breaking Penny's heart, to sailing around the world, to landing on the island and pushing the button until he's forced to turn the fail safe key. And she says that if he doesn't do those things, everyone will die. "Lost" has had a few "holy shit" moments in the past, but this was one of my favorites.

Thankfully, Desmond and Ms. Hawking take a stroll so she can have some chestnuts and explain to him (and to us) exactly what the hell is going on. She points out a man wearing red Converse shoes as a bold fashion choice. After Desmond accuses her of being his subconscious, the man with two red shoes gets hit by a ton of bricks. Desmond asks why she didn't warn the man of his eventual fate, and she responds by saying that the man would have died the next day - that the universe has a way of course-correcting. I mean, didn't he see Final Destination in his future/past life? Desmond is supposed to go to the island because pushing the button is the only great thing Desmond will ever do.

Desmond calls bullocks on her and takes the ring to give to Penny. They meet by Big Ben, and a photographer takes their picture in front of a marina scene. It happens to be the picture that Desmond took to the island. At that point, he realizes what he has to do, and break up with Penny. She's heartbroken and calls him a coward. And he tells her that they're not supposed to be together. Poor Desmond.

He strolls back into the pub and gets a pint of the cheapest beer. Then the Mama Cass song comes on again, and Desmond realizes that he had the wrong night in his predictions. After he realizes that he can changes things, the man with the cricket bat walks in, but after Desmond warns the bartender to duck, he's the one who gets cracked in the face. That brings up right back to a naked Desmond in the jungle post-exploding hatch. He visits the hole where the hatch was and sees the picture of him and Penny and prays to go back to be with Penny so he can change it. At this point we see the images that lead us back to the scrap with Charlie. Hurley breaks up the fight, and Desmond keeps repeating that "you can't change it." He calls Charlie a "good man", then Charlie makes Des tell him what happened.

Desmond says that his life flashed before his eyes after he turned the key. But back on the island, the flashes didn't stop. BUT, Desmond wasn't saving Claire - he was saving Charlie. Charlie was about to be hit by lightning, and Charlie was the one who tries to save Claire and drowns. But the universe has a way of course correcting, and Desmond can't stop Charlie's fate forever.

Score (Out of 20)
Back Story: 9.5
Island Story: 8
Total: 17.5

Why can't they all be Desmond stories? Enjoy tonight's.

“Lost” – America Gives It the Benefit of the Doubt

2007-02-14T18:43:00.000-08:00

Oh, how I’ve missed all of you. And I can only imagine how much you’ve missed my weekly musings on America’s ~~favorite~~ fourth or fifth favorite show. I know I left you all pretty abruptly at the start of this 3^rd season, and gave you all Lost “blue balls”. But that was only because I working hard to help cancel another sitcom. And by the time I was finished, and said show was officially “shelved”, Lost was already elbow deep in a ridiculous seventeen month hiatus. But another reason was because I was so furious at the sheer absurdity of the stories (Locke’s vision quest, Eko killed by the smoke monster, etc.), that I couldn’t in good conscience devote the time it took to write these recaps without having an overwhelming desire to kick my own ass. It would be like writing a recap exposing the plot holes to an episode of Dora the Explorer.

So the hiatus is over both for Lost and myself, so let’s dive right into the episode that finally answers the many questions posed by the cliffhanger of episode 6…which was… is Jack going to do something with Ben, I think… and they’re on another island… fuck it, let’s just do this!

“Lost” – Not in Portland

This episode starts off with a Juliet back story. After passing our old friend, Ethan Rom, in a dank, flickery hallway, Juliet visits her sister, Calamity Jane from Deadwood. She shoots her up with some form of mystery liquid (haven’t seen that since Desmond was juicing back in the day), then we reveal that we’re not on the island at all – it’s Miami!

Cut to the operating room on Dharma Island #2 where we last left Jack 91 days ago. He’s just made an incision in Ben’s kidney and is letting him bleed out so Kate and Sawyer can run away. Jack tells Kate to get safe and radio him with the story he told her on the beach when they first crashed. Kate reluctantly agrees, and then her and Sawyer lay some smack down on that super-douche, Pickett. Juliet calls Jacks bluff and orders the other Others to get back Saywer and Kate – even kill them if they have to.

Back story scene 2 involves Juliet back on the mainland and snooping around some medical facility for a refill of her mystery liquid. She’s forced to hide when some bogus dude wanders in with a completely disproportionate hot chick in tow. Turns out this guy is Juliet’s ex-husband, Edmund, and agrees to turn a blind eye for the moment so he and his new “research assistant” can get freaky next to the beakers.

Cut back to Jack and Juliet squaring off in the OR. Juliet spills the beans that Sawyer and Kate won’t make it to the other side of the island because they’re on a smaller island, 2 miles off shore and completely invisible to the inhabitants of the other island for at least two seasons. Jack retorts by spilling that Juliet wanted Jack to kill Ben during the surgery. Juliet leaves the operating room confident that Jack won’t let someone die on the table. Then again, none of his other patients had been holding him captive in an underwater prison.

As Kate and Sawyer traverse through the jungle, they reach the beach where Kate finally sees that they’re on a separate island. (Did anyone else find this reveal in the beginning of the season to be completely anti-climatic? They keep harping on it, too, as if the more they talk about it, the most powerful it’ll become even though it looks like I could swim between the two islands.) Nevertheless, Kate radios Jack for a boat. But before she can get a response from him, BOOM – a bullet shatters the radio right out of her hand.

Now, I remember the Others at some point being totally sweet fighters. I mean, Ethan was bad-ass and used to kill and kidnap people, and Mr. Friendly could snare a castway with a boomerang at 50 paces, and there was a time where I would believe that the sort of marksmanship I just witnessed was somewhat believable. But after the radio is smashed, Sawyer and three armed Others empty their clips at each other from about 20 feet away on an open beach, and no one hits a thing. Maybe this was Lost’s homage to John Woo movies. Luckily for Kate and Sawyer, not everyone on the show is a horrible shot, and the rebellious teen Other, who may be Rousseau’s daughter, Alex, pelts an Other right between the eyes with her trusty sling shot and helps Kate and Sawyer elude their captors by hiding in her fort.

Back in the OR, Ben wakes up from his surgery because he must have sensed that the plot was dragging, and they must have used Dharma’s do-it-yourself home anesthesia kit. He asks for Juliet, which leads up to her back story scene. Back in Miami, Juliet is summoned to Edmond’s office, and he tells her that he wants “in”. “In” to what still remains a mystery to us, but Edmond’s read her notes, so he knows what’s up. And he knows she’s using Calamity Jane as her guinea pig, so Juliet must be developing some kind of anti-“mother fucking cocksucker” serum. But Edmund tells her that with his help, the two of them could win prizes, drink champagne, and help people – in that order. Talk about an offer she can’t refuse!

Back on Island #2, Friendly tells Juliet that Ben’s looking for her. Then we check in with Kate, Sawyer, and Alex (who throws a little sass back at Sawyer). Alex tells them that she has a boat, but before she let’s them use it, they have to save her boyfriend, Karl. In the OR, Jack’s a little shocked that he’s talking to Ben while he’s looking at his exposed spine and organs. But thankfully Juliet breaks up the awkward moment, and Jack let’s them have a moment alone (3 minutes, to be exact, and to call back to Michael and Walt’s episode, “Three Minutes”). We don’t hear what they say to each other, but after the conversation, Juliet says that she wants Jack to put Ben under and finish the surgery. Why? Because Juliet is going to help Kate and Jack escape.

Back from the commercial break, we join Juliet watching a slide show of some overtly pleasant-looking private facility in Portland. Mr. Alpert (played by the ever-suave Nestor Carbonell) is doing is best to lure her into coming to work in Portland – after all, she DID successfully impregnate a male field mouse. Oh, so that’s what she does – pointless fertility research! Well, her research must be super-pointless because Alpert is jocking her pretty hard. When she mentions she couldn’t go because her ex is basically extorting her into staying, she lets it slip that the only thing that would help is if Edmund were hit by a bus. After leaving in a flurry of distraught tears, we cut to…

Bad-ass Juliet scanning the monitors for the whereabouts of Sawyer and Kate. She looks at the 6 screens that cover the 2-3 square mile island, and luckily they pass right in front of one of the cameras. She sees Alex with them, and realize that they must be going to see… Mac from ‘Always Sunny in Philadelphia’? He plays the young Other, Aldo, who happens to be guarding yet another section of dilapidated Dharma real estate while casually reading Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time” – maybe this was punishment for banging Dennis’ Mom? While contemplating the event horizons of black holes, Aldo is surprised to see Alex with Kate and Sawyer as prisoners. Aldo lets it slip that Ben is Alex’s father (?), and while radioing in for backup, he falls victim to the “Wookie prisoner” technique, and Sawyer spears him. After securing Aldo with a rifle butt to the dome, Sawyer and Kate follow Aldo’s direction to the cell where Karl is being held (cell #23, of course). Although it would seem from the outside that Karl is rolling his face off in a sweet rave, he’s actually being subjected to the PG version of Clockwork Orange “re-education”. There’s all sorts of weird audio and visual shit going on, but it all looks like pretty groundbreaking stuff.

Pickett and the Others find Aldo passed out, but Juliet catches up with them and tell them that Ben gave the order to let Kate and Sawyer go. Pickett refuses to believe her, and we flashback to Juliet and Calamity Jane. Jane tells her that her research does work, she’s pregnant! I guess she must be a male and/or field mouse. So they weep and sob together, and Jane says that all she needs to do is cure her combination of AIDS, Cancer, and Leprosy and she can raise her child! More tears. Now that the research works, Juliet has to tell Edmund. She does, and he promptly gets hit by a bus. That’ll teach him to be a smarmy douche in Lost world!

Back in the OR, Jack finishes the surgery with a queasy Mr. Friendly assisting. In one of the all time biggest Lost cock-teases, Jack asks Friendly why they didn’t just take Ben to a facility off the island, and Friendly starts to say, “Well, since the sky turned purple…” But then Jack screws up and nicks an artery! Aaahh! Let the man finish explaining!

So Kate and Sawyer reach Alex’s boat with Karl, but Pickett’s got them in his sights. Lucky for them Juliet blows him away before he can get off a shot. Juliet tells them to go, but Alex has to stay – Ben’s orders. So Alex says goodbye to Karl (more tears), and Juliet lets Kate radio to Jack that she’s okay. He makes her tell him the story he told her on that first day, which is juxtaposed to Jack fixing his similar fuckup on Ben. Again, more sobbing. Jack makes Kate promise that she’ll never come back for him – more tears. Kate and Sawyer push out the boat and sail off to the gigantic island right in front of them.

Cut to Edmund’s gross-ass corpse. As Juliet signs for the body, she sobs.

Back in the OR, Juliet and Jack share a moment while gazing at Ben’s body. Jack asks what Juliet and Ben talked about, and we go back to Juliet sobbing over Edmund’s body. In pops Mr. Alpert and his underling, Ethan, and they “express their condolences” while pitching the job to her one last time. AND they know about her man-sister being pregnant. When Juliet asks if her sister can come, they respond by saying that they’re not quite “in” Portland, but actually thousands of miles from Portland in the middle of the ocean. Sold!

Juliet tells Jack that she’s been on the island for three years, and (welling up with tears) if she helped him, Ben would let her… go home.

So, there you have it – the culmination of my 3 month bitter and angst-fueled expectations. Did I like the episode? Ehhh, not really. What was with the sob-fest? I haven’t seen that much crying in an hour since the 4^th quarter of the AFC Championship. Even in the “Lost” script template in Final Draft, F11 is the shortcut for “HE/SHE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY”. It was way too much heavy drama for my tastes.

AND, they focused the entire hour on the one story that sucked the most during those first 6 episodes. And when you boil it down, we’re really no further into knowing what they are doing on the island. It has something to do with fertility – ok, we knew that when pregnant Claire was kidnapped by Ethan. And now we know that it may have something to do with the pointless brainwashing of random idiots.

But whatever. I assume that this story was broken before the outcry of “Foul” from the collective fan base. And there are still people who worship the show even after the writers admitted that they want to figure out an end point for the series so they’re not spewing garbage onto the page every day. Plus now that we know Lost is mortal after all when Criminal Minds beat it, and CSI: New York (Street…on the Radford lot) beat it last week after it was moved to 10pm so as not to get endlessly dick-punched by American Idol, this series could be done sooner than you think. The writers should figure out an end point and know when to quit. Otherwise they’ll suffer from 24-itis, which, in it’s 6^th season, is the dumbest f@*king show on television.

Speaking of 24, I’ve been doing some serious monitoring of chatter – Internet chatter, that is. And here’s what I’ve found out about this episode of Lost and the series in general:

According to the massive article in Entertainment Weekly by Jeff Jensen (who must have taken a short break from endless fellating the show to actually writing about it), we’ll find out about…wait for it… Jack’s tattoos! And in case you thought that wasn’t awesome enough, the talentless Bai Ling is somehow involved. I can’t wait. Also we supposedly find out about why Locke was in the wheelchair, even though I thought they had planned to wait for season 12 for that one. In next week’s, we’ll see the stewardess Cindy and the kidnapped kids from the tail section, and in three weeks we get to see the connection of the Others to the Dharma Initiative. We also see a new hatch – Dharma Flame, which probably involves some gay storyline. (Yeah, I went there.)
Tonight, we’re supposed to have a Desmond flashback device that the producers say will either “blow people’s minds or chase them away for good.”
The Michael/Walt story won’t be touched until Season 4.
“None of the big questions are going to answered until the end of the series,” says Carlton Cuse, the show’s executive producer. He added, “We will continue to pull stories out of our collective asses until we are staring down the barrel of cancellation, at which point we will give our duped audience some half-assed all-encompassing explanation of everything.”
You all knew that rave room had a tons of stuff for geeks to freeze-frame, slow down, play backwards, etc. Here’s what happens when you play the audio backwards: http://icydk.com/2007/02/13/lost-fans-there-was-a-hidden-
message-in-last-weeks-brainwash-scene/
- And here’s what Mac was reading in “A Brief History of Time”: http://www.thetailsection.com/lost_spoilers
/what_was_aldo_researching.php
- Cheech Marin plays Hurley’s Dad??: http://www.thetailsection.com/lost_spoilers
/lost_tricia_tanaka_is_dead_spo.php Check out the smoke-show that plays Tricia Tanaka (and I’m sure she will be crushed under Hurley’s massive weight)

Score (out of a possible 20)

Back Story: 4

Island Story: 5

Total: LAME

"Lost" - A Tale of Two Cities

2006-10-09T14:58:00.000-07:00

What’s up, party people?! Can you believe it’s been just over four months since I last wasted an afternoon pondering and writing about the intricacies of a frustrating and unsatisfying television show? Where does the time go?

I hope everyone had enjoyable summers working on your respective projects. But, “Lost” is back, and so am I. So let’s get right into it.

“Lost” – A Tale of Two Cities

I’m hoping Us Weekly will have a feature called, “The Others… They’re just like us!” After all, they bake muffins (and burn them, LOL), they have book clubs attended by pompous assholes – which is the pinnacle of any civilized society – and they live in a nicely manicured neighborhood called “Others Lane” (aka. Otherville, Mysteria Lane). I could’ve sworn I heard Mary Alice narrating: “Things aren’t what they seem on Others Lane…” Although the location seems to be less than ideal (in the middle of a valley on a remote island in the South Pacific), I’m sure it’s a quick hike down the road to J Crew and Crate and Barrel.

But all jokery aside, Season 3 starts off with the same ECU of an eyeball that has become a trademark of the premieres. This eyeball belongs to a new character, Juliet, who we find out is an Other. Other than the big reveal and the cool shot of the Oceanic Air flight 815 breaking apart in midair, the cold open didn’t reveal much. The book they were talking about was Stephen King’s Carrie, and through conversation we find out that “Ben” wouldn’t have liked that choice. Ben, of course, is the real name of (not) Henry Gale.

After what seems like an earthquake, we see some familiar faces in the neighborhood, mainly Ethan and Goodwin. After finding out that the earthquake was really the slight “slip-up” by Desmond that eventually led to the plane crash, our two favorite dead Others promptly receive their directives from the apparent leader, Ben.

After a slight glimpse into Jack’s back story (which included him spying on his ex-wife), we cut to Jack’s containment cell, which looks like a set from “Saw” but has a clear plexiglass wall. Kate’s situation is much more pleasant. She wakes up on the floor of the communal shower at the Other’s local YMCA (which, on second thought, sounds pretty disgusting). Our old pal Mr. Friendly (MC Gainey), tells Kate to take a shower and “wash the day off”, but when Kate tells him she’s not showering in front of him, he tells her that she’s not his type, which immediately told me that Mr. Friendly is queerer than a three dollar bill. Peeping Tom’s notwithstanding, Kate’s situation is undoubtedly better than….

Sawyer’s, who is in some kind of experimental animal cage. But at least Sawyer has a companion – there’s a boy in the cell across from him named Carl. Sawyer tries to talk to him, but it seems like the boy is focused on something else (maybe he has a closed-circuit feed to Kate’s shower). After getting severely shocked by pressing a button, it’s apparent that Sawyer’s in a large Skinner Box, or an apparatus used to study animal behavior (so sayeth Wikipedia). Those keeping score should note that we’re ten minutes in to season three and Sawyer’s already getting hurt.

Back in Jack’s chamber, he starts throwing a hissy fit that prompts Juliet to come in. Cut to “Boring Jack Back Story – Scene Two”: Jack wants the name of the dude his ex left him for, and she refuses to tell him. Hmmm, I wonder if he’ll obsess over this?? Perhaps jump to some wrong conclusions?

Cut to: Kate shower scene. Man, those Other are quite the pranksters. They pulled the old clothes in the locker switcheroo while she was showering. Hilarious. But instead of having Kate fire around in a towel for the rest of the season, they provided her with a dress and an invitation to join “Ben” for breakfast on the beach. The set-up looked really pleasant, and Ben was wearing Dockers and nice button-down. Unfortunately the whole point was so that Kate could have a nice memory before two hellish weeks of some Others-brand mindfucking.

Boring Jack Back Story – Scene Three: Shocker! Jack obsessively tries to find out the name of his ex’s boyfriend. He and his father argue and he calls his dad a drunk. Is it me, or have I seen this scene about 10 times before.

But back in Jack’s cell, Juliet comes in and brings Jack some food. But stubborn ole Jack won’t budge – he refuses to lean against the wall so she can open the door. After some banter, Jack finally asks, “What the hell is going on here,” to which Juliet responds… by walking out. Hey, for a new cast member, Juliet really nailed the “I can’t answer any logical questions” face.

Meanwhile, Sawyer’s buddy busts out of the cage and breaks Sawyer out, too. Unfortunately he uses Sawyer as a diversion so he could get away – a plan that doesn’t work out for either of them and gets Sawyer tasered but the omnipresent Juliet. Friendly then bring Carl over to apologize to Sawyer for involving him. This kind of smelled like another Others rouse – then again, you can’t take anything on Lost at face value.

Juliet comes back to Jack to try to feed him. She feeds him lines about how he’s dehydrated from the drugs they gave him, and she eventually breaks down Jack into compliance. Oh, but little does she know that Jack is actually smack in the middle of a nice rage blackout when we flashback to BJBS Scene Four. Here we see Jack basically coming to the conclusion that his drunk father is sleeping with his wife. So when he busts into his Dad’s AA meeting, he really flies off the handle. All it took was Jack’s Dad to say “Let it go,” and Jack form tackles him through the 12 Steps easel.

Not great timing on Juliet’s part. Because when she thinks Jack is somewhat sedated, she comes into the cell and is served a nice plate Jack Sheppard justice. In face, Jack uses that very plate to hold up to her neck and keep her hostage for his escape. What Jack doesn’t realize is that the facility they’re in is underwater, but he finds that out as soon as he opens a hatch door. “Ben” pulls a dick move and locks Juliet in there with him, but she and Jack eventually seal off the water, and Jack pushes a button that either pumps out the water or opens the garage door of Juliet’s house (we’re still not sure). Then Juliet lands a thunderous right hook to Jack’s jaw and knocks him out cold.

Back in Sawyer’s cage, he’s finally figured out a system for activating all the levers and buttons so he can get a glorious supply of Dharma fish biscuits and unpopped popcorn. Yum. Mr. Friendly leads Kate over to Carl’s old accommodations where I assume she’ll be spending her two-week stay. Friendly also notices Sawyer’s fish biscuit (why does that sounds dirty?) and remarks that it only took the bears two hours. Could he be talking about the… polar bears?!?!?!?

Sawyer and Kate share a sweet moment (after all, she DID ask about Sawyer before Jack). Sawyer offers up his fish biscuit, and she gladly devours it…. Wait a minute, didn’t Kate just eat a full breakfast? That’s like someone on Survivor eating a huge meal they won at a challenge, then coming back to camp and eating all the rice. Not cool, Kate.

Jack finally comes to back in his cell, and Juliet tell him that he’s really in an aquarium used to train the dolphin on Seaquest and sharks with frickin’ laser attached to their heads. She also has a copy Jack’s permanent record, which we all know contains every last bit of information about his life. After spouting of some facts, she succeeds in breaking Jack down when she mentions that she can tell Jack what he wants about his ex.

Cut to the final BJBS scene where Sara bails Jack out of jail. Tears… blah blah, “I need to know who he is!”…blah blah… “It’s not who he is, it who you’re not!”… blah blah…. “Your dad’s drunk.”

Then Jack asks the only logical question he could think of – is my ex-wife happy? Close up of spooky (not) Henry Gale/Ben, and fade out.

Wow. This episode was…HORRENDOUS! I absolutely hated it. Considering it was the season premiere after a finale that had all sorts of craziness going on, this story did nothing for me. Let’s review that things we learned.

The Others live in a weird, modern neighborhood that’s furnished by Ikea and the Pottery Barn.
There’s a Dharma Hydra station that was used to do something with sharks (which were presumably bred for the show to jump over)
There are cages where bears were held and studied.

Here are the things we already know and/or couldn’t care less about:

Jack’s really obsessive.
Jack’s father is a drunk and they don’t have such a great relationship.
Jack had/still has feelings for the woman he was married to.
Kate’s not a huge fan of handcuffs.
Sawyer’s not a huge fan of being electrocuted.
Henry Gale is spooky.
Everything the Others do may or may not be a trick.

I’m not saying that I didn’t expect the typical Lost “no one talks to each other and no information is ever revealed” MO, it’s just that I expected more from a season premiere. In looking at the previous two premieres, you have some of the best episodes of the series – The pilot and “Man of Science, Man of Faith”, which was also a Jack-centric episode where we meet Desmond and the Hatch. Now season three rolls around, and this is what we’re given?? Some sappy-ass, emotional Jack back story and a brisk walkthrough of the Others’ compound.

So far, including this premiere, Jack has had EIGHT episodes. That’s seven previous stories where we learn about Jack’s obsessive personality, his strained relationship with his drunk dad, how he met his wife, his fixation on “fixing” things, and how his marriage wasn’t working. Why, for the love of God, do we need to see all of those elements again for an eighth time. Isn’t anybody else sick of it, or am I just heartless? I know this episode was penned by the great JJ Abrams, so maybe he accidentally thought he was writing a “What About Brian”.

All right, enough hating. What I did like about this episode was the opening (that shot of the plane breaking apart in mid-air was awesome), and the previews for next week. I could’ve sworn I saw a shot Kate kissing Sawyer – does she choose him (after all, she DID ask about Sawyer before Jack – twice – then it was pointed out by Ben in case people still didn’t catch it), or was she instructed by the Others to get close to Sawyer for some reason – after all, she did look pretty upset when she was brought to the cage. Maybe her “unpleasant two weeks” meant that she was going to be forced to get Ana Lucia’s sloppy seconds.

Last thing I liked about this episode (which brings the total to…3 things): Juliet. I like how the show addressed my call for more hot chicks after Michael single-handedly brought that number down to two. Juliet’s got some stink to her. Hopefully we’ll see her fleshed out (wink wink, high five).

The brightside? Only place to go is up.

Score (Out of 20):

Island Story: 5

Back Story: 3

Total: 8

Good to be back, but if this episode is any indicator of how the rest of the season is going to be, and I still end up writing 2000 words about it, I may have to kick my own ass.

"Lost" - Live Together, Die Alone

2006-05-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

Well, my fellow “Lost” fan brethren, this is the final post before the summer hiatus. Word is the Lost schedule for next year will be a lot less infuriating with six episodes set to air in a row from October to November, then 12 weeks off before airing 17 straight new eps. starting in Feb. (apparently the creators were just as pissed at this past season’s air schedule as the viewers). So until then I’ll have to entertain myself with ABC’s Master of Champions.

“Live Together, Die Alone” – Desmond Episode

“I was wrong” – John Locke, after discovering that pushing the button actually prevented the Apocalypse.

We start with the discovery of the sailboat that Sun pointed out last week. After a few of our shirtless heroes climb aboard, they find out that it’s a drunken, gun-toting Desmond.

Cut to Nighttime. Did anyone else notice the new island mess hall where Jack was hitting the buffet? Anyway, it’s been a few hours, and still no one’s talked to Desmond, who’s content to just sit on the beach and booze. Jack asks why he came back, and Desmond responds that he was headed due west for 2 ½ weeks before he ended up back at the island. Then again, maybe his bearings may have been slightly skewed during his drunken blackouts.

Then we see the first scene of Desmond’s back story. He’s being released from prison and is finally reunited with his Dickens novel, Our Mutual Friend, that he’s vowed to read before he dies. Upon leaving the jail, he sees Charles Widmore (or, as fans of “The O.C.” know him, Caleb Nichol). Widmore is the father of Desmond’s true love, Penelope. He’s been intercepting Desmond’s letters to her in order to ensure that his daughter will move on, and he offers him a bunch of cash to ensure that he won’t try to contact her. In a side note that’s probably only interesting to me: On The O.C., Julie Cooper did the same thing to the Mexican gardener Marissa was dating!

So Sayid finally comes up with a plan the “gain the advantage” on crazy Michael. He’s going to take Desmond’s boat and sail to the other side of the island and scope out the Others. Then he’s going to signal Jack and company to come to the beach and formulate a plan to get Walt. You know, if I were on the island, I’d say, “F@*k that s*@t. I’m taking the boat and sailing as far away from this God-forsaken hell hole as humanly possible. And I bet I could do it better than Drunky McBoozebag over there!” But since I’m stuck in the hell hole that is Hollywood, let’s see where Sayid’s plan take us.

In the hatch, Locke tries to get prevent Eko from pressing the button, but he’s overcome by Eko’s extreme badass-ness and kicked out of the Hatch yelling “We’re puppets on strings!” Get ‘em next time, Locke.

On the beach the troops are gearing up to head over to kick some Others ass. Kate finally chimes in with “Hey, remember all those beards and make-up I found in that hatch. Maybe they’re all pretending.” To which Michael responds with another diatribe of mangled insanity - “They eat fish! They’re more scared of us than we are of them!” Whatever, Crazy.

After Desmond lets Sayid take his boat, we flashback to America, where Desmond runs into… LIBBY! Why is she showing up in everyone’s flashbacks during some gut-wrenching scene? Can we expect her to be the one who tells Rose she has cancer? Or she’s the one who paralyzes Locke? Anyway, Desmond asks for money for a boat so he can race around the world… she has a boat… Blah Blah… she gives it to him… racing for love… SNORE.

Trudging through the jungle, the Losties see a giant swooping bird that may have said Hurley’s name. Everyone’s calm except for crazy Michael, who tries to fire off ten rounds randomly into the air before discovering that Jack gave him an empty gun. Whoops.

In another section of jungle, Charlie walks in on Locke sobbing after Eko kicked him out of the Hatch. Charlie tells him that Desmond’s arrived, which is news to Locke. Where the hell’s he been for the past day? Sitting in the jungle, feeling sorry for himself and weeping? Oh how I miss Season 1 Locke.

We’re then taken back to the stadium where Desmond and Jack first met, only this time we meet Penelope, Desmond’s lost love. We find out that Desmond is racing on this trip around the world not just for love, but also to get his honor back. And what does Desmond do when he’s finally face to face with the object of his affection? – he turns around and runs though a stadium. “Honor” my ass - this guy was in prison! Take a night off, Des.

So Locke finds Desmond and drops the bomb that Dharma Pearl exists and pushing the button is all a big joke – an experiment for people in the Pearl to observe. Desmond’s given three years of his life to pushing that button, so needless to say he’s a little curious. Elsewhere in the jungle, Michael acts shady and weird.

Speaking of weird, on the sailboat, Sayid’s cruising along with his shipmates Jin and the preggers Sun when they see the four-toed foot of what was a giant statue. WTF? Check it out here: http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x23/foot.jpg

In the Hatch, Desmond and Locke successfully lock Eko out of the computer room by triggering the blast doors. The plan is to let the counter go down to zero. The Man of Faith no longer has any.

This leads to Desmond’s flashback of how he got onto the island. Nothing too flashy – just got caught in a storm and banged his head. He ended up on a beach near the hatch where Kelvin Inman found him. Kelvin’s played by Clancy Brown, who also played Joe Inman in the episode where Sayid becomes a torturer (same person… or twin brother???). Kelvin, who wears a make-shift biohazard suit every time he’s outside, also had a partner, Radzinsky, helping him push the button in the hatch. And his partner was the one who made the edits in the orientation film. And we find out later that he blew his brains out in the hatch.

In the jungle, our team happens upon some Others, and Sawyer manages to take one of them out. At this point Jack confronts Michael in one of his awkward head-bobbing tirades, and everyone’s let in on what Jack already knew. Oh, and Michael confesses to killing Libby and Ana Lucia. I bet now he’s wishing he didn’t shoot himself in the arm.

Back in the hatch, Eko has recruited Charlie to find some dynamite to try to open the blast doors. Desmond’s sure that the dynamite won’t work, which leads us to another flashback showing Kelvin working on the black light map that Radzinsky started. After Eko successfully torches the entire hatch with a giant fireball, we go to another flashback introducing the fail safe.

**NEW INFORMATION ALERT**

Yes, it’s true, in this one quick scene we actually learn more information than we have in months. Kelvin tells us that behind the wall is a geologically unique electro-magnet. Also, the “incident” was a leak that causes the charge to build up, and pushing the button is the only thing that can release the charge and prevent it from getting out of control. However, using the fail safe will destroy the whole thing. So basically, the button DOES do something significant, but in the true Lost spirit, Desmond chooses not to share this information with anyone.

Locked in the computer room, Desmond and Locke chat about what Locke really believes. In what I thought was a really good Locke scene, he tells Desmond about how he thought it was his destiny to get into the Hatch, and how his beliefs ended up killing Boone. Then he saw the light emitting from the hatch door and thought it was a sign. “But it was probably just [Desmond] going to the bathroom.” As much as I rip on Locke for going soft, his character really did have a tremendous arc this season which is culminating in this countdown in the hatch. Why Desmond doesn’t just tell John about the magnet and the incident is beyond me. I suppose Locke needs to find this out for himself.

Cut to Sayid and his plan to scope out the Others. He finds out what we’ve all known for a while – that the Others were faking it and that village Michael saw was all a façade, complete with a fake hatch door. We check in with our heroes who’ve discovered a pile of tubes that we know came from Dharma Pearl. They read one of the notebooks that are filled with details of years worth of Hatch activity (“0415 takes a shower”). Could it be that the Pearl was the “rat maze” or “Skinner Box” that Locke thought the Hatch was? After seeing Sayid’s black smoke on the horizon, Jack realizes that Michael’s led them into a trap. All of a sudden, we hear the voices surrounding them, following by the barrage of knock-out darts that not even Jack Shepard can withstand.

We’re now 20 minutes from the end of the world, and Desmond finally questions Locke about the Pearl. Locke gives him the printout from the computer, we leads us to another flashback. In this scene, Desmond notices Kelvin’s suit is ripped, so he follows him out to the jungle. After seeing that Kelvin’s been taking off the suit every time he’s outside, Des follows him further, eventually leading him to his boat. Kelvin says he’s been fixing the boat, and that he’s not even sure if the button’s real. Desmond starts getting real pissed and Kelvin comes clean that he needed a sucker to “save the world” after he left. Desmond spears him into some rocks, accidentally killing him. After realizing what he’s done, Des grabs the fail safe key and runs back to the hatch.

However, in the Hatch, the countdown has reached zero, and the magnet’s starting to go berserk. The computer reads “System Failure”, and all metal objects are being sucked into the wall. Fortunately for Desmond, he manages to push the button before anything noticeably goes wrong.

Unfortunately for the passengers on Oceanic Air flight 815, that little slip up might have caused the plane to crash onto the island, thus ruining everyone’s lives. Whoops. The printout from the Pearl computer confirms that the date the plane crashed was that same as the System Failure.

Cutting back to our captured heroes, Kate, Hurley, Jack, and Sawyer are bound and gagged kneeling at the Pala Ferry (which was mentioned in the Orientation Video for the Pearl). The Ferry approaches, and the apparent leader of the Others approaches which happens to be none other than (not) Henry Gale! How Usual Suspects-y.

Back in the Hatch, we see Charlie and Eko have miraculously survived the fireball, though Charlie’s hearing’s a little off (those loud Driveshaft concerts didn’t help either). In the computer room, Desmond finally tries to convince Locke that pushing the button is real, and that they have to do it. But Locke isn’t swayed, and when Desmond tries to push it himself, Locke finally smashes the computer. Desmond’s sure that he’s killed them all, but Locke’s convinced he’s saved them. Now’s the time for Des to be the hero. He opens the blast doors and searches for his copy of “Our Mutual Friend”, which led me to say, “How the hell’s he going to read a damn novel in three minutes!”

But in the final flashback, we see that day Locke was talking about. 41 days from the plane crash (and from the day Desmond killed Kelvin), we see Desmond at the end of his rope contemplating suicide since he’s the only one who can push the button. He reaches for the Dickens novel and finds a note from Penny, who knew that he would open the book in a moment of great desperation. Here we learn that all you need to survive is one person who loves you, and Penny will be there for him always. At that moment, after throwing a tantrum, he hears Locke banging on the Hatch door outside, and he knows that he’s been saved.

Back in the hatch, Desmond is on his way to “blowing the dam”. The clock hits zero, and, as expected, all hell breaks loose. Whatever was in the hatch that wasn’t destroyed by the fireball is surely being crushed by the magnet. Eko pushes Charlie away and goes to find Locke, who’s standing in the computer room uttering “I was wrong.” Desmond says a prayer, and turns the key.

Cutting back to the tied-up Losties and Others, we hear a weird sound and the sky turns a bright white. Gathering from everyone’s reactions, it doesn’t look pleasant. After a moment, things are back to normal. Although we don’t know the fate of the Hatch, we know that the Hatch door that Locke and the gang blew up said “Quarantine” on it (and were reminded it was there when Eko saw it), and that sucker flew from the Hatch to the beach. Then again, dumb-ass Charlie came stumbling out of the jungle, so it couldn’t have been that bad.

At the ferry dock, (not) Henry Gale holds up his end of the bargain and gives Michael his son back (apparently the Others got more than they bargained for with Walt) along with the ferry and directions to follow a certain course to be rescued. Things seem to be working out for Michael. Henry tells Michael that once he leaves he won’t be able to get back to the island. And even if he tries to tell people on the outside what’s going on, he’ll have to confess to two murders. Ms. Klugh lets Hurley go so he can tell everyone else not to ever come there. Michael leaves with Walt, and Kate, Jack, and Sawyer are “coming home” with the Others, a.k.a. they’re screwed.

Then a pointless scene where Claire kisses Charlie and nobody cares… BUT THEN, one of the most important scenes in the history of the show. Two Portuguese guys are sitting in a station in either the Arctic or Antarctica. They’re playing chess when the computer reads “Electromagnetic Anomaly Detected”. The say something about how they missed it last time (apparently when Desmond triggered the magnet), but this time they’ve got it. And who do they call… Penny Widmore!

And scene!

Phew, that was a long one, so thanks for bearing with me. Now I’ll offer the Pops Interpretations and Predictions Q & A section:

- Why exactly was that scene at the end so cool?

Because for the first time we saw the outside world exist at the same time as the story. That means that there IS an outside world, and the island is not purgatory or the last place people are living on Earth. It’s simply an island existing in the world that people are looking for. And remember, Hurley’s rich too, so he may have people looking as well. But he’s only been gone 66 days, whereas Desmond’s been missing 3 years.

- Did the Hatch blow up when Desmond turned the key? Are Locke and Eko and/or Desmond dead?

In a word, No. I think when Des hit the fail safe, the magnet either exploded or the polarity was immediately reversed with such force as to launch the hatch door all the way to the beach. So is the Hatch useless? Possibly. With the damage from the dynamite, the ensuing fire ball, and the crazy magnet, and the now destroyed computer, I doubt we’ll be seeing much of it in Season 3. Plus, now we have a whole bunch of new sets for Season 3 – The Other’s Camp.

As far as the characters being dead: First, Locke can’t die because he’s a main guy and we still haven’t found out how he was paralyzed. And Eko was right next to Locke, so I’m sure he’s okay. As far as Desmond goes, he just had a two-hour back story. His death would be too unsatisfying for the story. We don’t know why he was in prison, and his relationship with Penny Widmore may be the key to everyone getting rescued. Plus he’s a great character.

- What’s with that weird, four-toed statue?

You got me, but I found this:

The statue also seems familiar to the statue described in this summary of "Headlong Hall" by Thomas Love Peacock:

"The place is quite a wilderness," said Squire Headlong: "…Here you see is the pedestal of a statue, with only half a leg and four toes remaining: there were many here once."

But who the hell knows.

- Kelvin said he was working for the Dharma Initiative. Was he the same guy as the soldier in Iraq with Sayid?

Not sure if he is that same guy or the guy’s twin brother. Lost likes twins (ie. “Bad Twin”), but the lostpedia.com site says that Kelvin’s full name is Kelvin Joe Inman, so they might be the same person.

http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x23/inman.jpg

- Was Kelvin trying to lure Desmond outside with his ripped body suit?

This one’s confusing to me since that was the day the plane crashed. If Kelvin was trying to lure Desmond away, was it because he knew that on that day the magnet had to pull the plane out of the sky? Did Kelvin work for Widmore, or was he a Dharma employee that went rogue? After all he was making the black light map, which showed that he was scouting the island for other hatches and mapping the terrain. But it didn’t make too much sense that Kelvin would just give up on pushing the button that easily. Then again, after two seasons of watching everyone’s story of how fate put them on that plane, perhaps it was a coincidence.

- Where’s that actress who played Penny Widmore from?

“Mind of the Married Man.” But she was also in “The Librarian: Quest for the Spear”.

- What do the numbers on that print log from the Pearl mean?

Well, to Desmond it made perfect sense: 0922044:16 = 9/22/04 at 4:16. But a close up of the numbers in the Pearl (shown here: http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x21/printout.jpg) shows something like 41602063:05 and 41602064:58. If the last three numbers are the time, then it works out – each number is roughly 108 minutes after the previous one. But the dates don’t match. What date is 4160206?

- What did the computer screen in the Arctic station say?

Delivery Subsystem 550 Requested action taken:
> Received: by 10.48.24.11 with SMTP id m12mr1134484nfg:
> Received: by 10,29.30.1 with HTTP
> Message-ID: Subject: AUTOMATED TEST
> MIME-Version: 1.0
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
> Content-Disposition: inline
>
AUTOMATED TEST -

1bbybby 77111790v****systems normal**** 76555-222-0

zzzzzzz330 7711346 ****systems normal**** QX10022005-CHI

TEST COMPLETE

**********************

Delivery Subsystem 550 Requested action taken:
> Sent: by 10.28.224.18 with SMTP id m11mr1134484nfg
> Sent: to 10,49.31.1 with HTTP

Electromagnet

http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x23/anomalyDetected.jpg

- What else might I have missed?

The Hurley Bird: http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x23/hurleyBird.jpg

Penelope’s Address: http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x23/letters.jpg

Penny was living in Knightsbridge, which is the same city that Lucy Heatherton was living in (Lucy is the girl that Charlie cons in Season 1 - ends up taking a job for her father's copier company).

Countdown Glyphs: http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x23/completeGlyphs.jpg
- Means “Death”

Charles Widmore: http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x23/charlesWidmore.jpg

First, there was in the WIDMORE CONSTRUCTION banner in the London skyline in Charlie's flashback "Fire + Water". Then, there was the WIDMORE LABS logo on the pregnancy kit Sun uses. And, finally, Henry Gale's balloon had a WIDMORE LABS logo printed on the side.

- So what can we expect from Season 3?

A whole lot of Others. Where they live, how they came to the island, maybe some back stories (like Henry Gale’s and Alex Rosseau’s). Also, don’t forget that Sayid, Jin, and Sun are very close to them, so I’d expect a search and rescue operation in the works for the premiere.

Also, expect some more lovin’, from Charlie and Claire and hopefully Rose and Bernard.

There could also be some fallout from not having a giant magnet on the island, like Locke not being able to walk.

- So did you like the finale?

Every scene but the one with Libby and the Charlie/Claire scene at the end.

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 8
Island Story: 9
Total: 17

See you in another life, brothers.

"Lost" - Three Minutes

2006-05-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

“Three Minutes” – Michael Story

Welcome to the penultimate “Lost” post. The episode “Three Minutes” starts off with a little flashback to thirteen days ago in the Hatch where Michael has another IM convo with Walt. I don’t remember exactly what it said, but I think it was something like:

RaftBuilder46: Walt, r u ok?
PsychicBoy: IMO, these Others are Wack-Donalds.
RaftBuilder46: LOL! Where’d u hear that?
PsychicBoy: Nevermind, come get me!
RaftBuilder46: Where r u?
PsychicBoy: Uh, there’s a rock, and some sky… I think some trees.
RaftBuilder46: Got it. TTYL!

Cut to the present day, where Michael is burning a list of names outside the Hatch. Jack invites him back inside for the first of many manic conversations Michael has about going to get the Others. Now, the audience is aware of Michael’s ulterior motive, even though at this point it’s not exactly sure what it is. But how does anyone NOT realize how ridiculous he’s being? He’s been gone for two weeks, and now that he’s back, the man who was bound, gagged, and locked in the Hatch has escaped, two people are shot dead, and Michael’s suggesting they leave with just five people, none of which are the Iraqi-trained military torturer. All this before the dead bodies are even cold!

Luckily this episode has an island back story, which are usually interesting ones. We follow Michael on his mission to find Walt when he runs into an Other taking a piss. This Other’s known as Pickett, and you may recognize him as “Buck” from Kill Bill (http://lostpedia.com/wiki/Pickett). Suddenly MC Gainey (aka Mr. Friendly or Zeke) comes from behind and disarms Michael and ends up throwing a bola at his feet to trip him up (is there no end to his mysterious coolness?).

Back to present day, Mr. Eko gives an awesomely creepy speech to Michael about a boy who thought that a dog he killed because it mauled his sister will be waiting for him in hell. (Dog in hell = Cerberus = black smoke???). Then Michael’s insanity continues in this speech to Jack:

Michael: “It’s gotta be the way I said, just the five of us. Otherwise it won’t work. It WON’T WORK.”
Jack: “We’re going to figure that out.”
Michael: “I have already figured it out. It’s gotta be just the people who already know. You, me, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley. That’s it. Anybody else…will put him in more danger. You don’t get to decide this. It’s my son. It’s my call. And that’s the way it has to be.
Jack (long pause): Then that’s the way it’ll be.

WHAT! What the f@%k was Jack thinking? First of all, it’s not Michael’s call (as Sayid later points out). They’re going to battle where they could all die. That’s a group decision if I ever heard one. Second, Michael says, “It’s gotta be just the people who already know. You, me, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley.” You would think Jack would say:

Jack: “Uh, Locke and Eko know, too. Speaking of them, how bout we bring Mr. Eko with us – after all he IS that most badass person I’ve ever seen. Plus he cracks skulls with a friggin’ stick. Oh, and can we bring Locke, too? He’s a tracker who knows his way around guns and knives. Plus he’s got healing powers like Wolverine. Worse comes to worse, we could use him as a human shield. One more thing, can Sayid come? After all, he’s actually been in combat.”
Michael: “NO! It’s gotta be Kate… and Hurley.”
Jack: “The chick and the fat pussy dude? Jesus, Mike, should we bring Rose and Bernard, too? (Thinks for a beat) Well, I’m sold.”

Just when moments like these were actually making me yell at my TV, we cut to Claire and her baby. Charlie approaches and tries to make amends for kidnapping and almost drowning baby Aaron by… giving her some liquid “vaccine” he found. But don’t worry, he injected himself five minutes ago to make sure it was safe, and so far so good. Claire’s psyched, apparently she can’t wait to inject her child with a mysterious Dharma liquid. But it’s cool, the directions say, “Take every nine days. May cause dizziness, drowsiness, hallucinations, insanity, plot holes, death, and diarrhea.”

Flashback to thirteen days ago. Jack, Sawyer, Locke and Kate have gone to find Michael, who tore off from the Hatch to find Walt. Kate’s captured by the Others and used as leverage to get the Losties to relinquish their weapons. However, now we see that Michael WAS THERE, gagged up but a mere ten feet away from Kate – who apparently didn’t hear anything the Others said to Michael (even if she did, she probably wouldn’t have told anyone). Oh, and we also see Alex, Rousseau’s daughter, who sweetly fires off questions to Michael (who’s gagged) about Claire’s baby before she smashes him in the face with the butt of her gun. Interesting side note: The girl who plays Alex is the geeky girl from Malcolm in the Middle – all growns up.

Present Day – Sayid is made aware that (not) Henry’s escaped and Ana Lucia and Libby are dead. Sayid wants to join them, but Jack says, “No.” Finally Sawyer articulates everything I’ve been yelling at the TV: “Eventhough Pippy Longstocking and the Grape Ape are ideal candidates for the Dirty Dozen, I’m just gonna say we might want to bring the Red Beret.” Thank you, Sawyer. Naturally when Sawyer tells Michael that Sayid is on board, Michael freaks out (for those keeping score, this is the third time he’s acted completely irrationally, and we’re half-way through the episode).

Flashback to eleven days ago: The Others take Michael to their camp, a ratty village located by the rock formation Walt told Michael about (http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x22/ruins.jpg). In this village we also see another Hatch (http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x22/newDharmaLogo.jpg), which we can assume is where Walt is being held. After Pickett takes some blood by plunging a syringe into Michael’s shoulder (and these are the “doctors” we saw in Claire’s episode?!), we’re introduced to Ms. Klugh (http://lostpedia.com/wiki/Ms._Klugh), an ominous “leader” of sorts who questions Michael about Walt. Naturally Michael can’t answer any of these questions because he missed Walt’s upbringing.

Cut to Present Day:

Michael: “You’re not coming.”
Sayid: “Welcome back, Michael.”

After Insane Michael’s irrationality #4, Sayid’s fully caught on that Michael’s “been compromised,” and agrees not to come. Then Vincent the Wonder Dog brings Charlie one of his heroin dolls from Sawyer’s stash. Charlie throws them in the ocean – I guess that vaccine is a way better high then heroin.

Back in the Hatch, there’s a nice bonding moment between Sawyer and Jack having guy talk while loading up their weapons. Sawyer tells Jack he banged Ana Lucia (“We got caught in a net”) because Jack’s the closest thing he’s got to a friend.

At the beach, while Hurley’s digging Libby’s grave, Michael tries to recruit him for the mission (#5, folks). Hurley states the obvious and asks why he should go. Michael prods, but Kate make him back off after Hurley denies him.

Flashback to three days ago. We’re 50 minutes in, and it looks like we might actually learn some new information about the Others considering Michael’s been in their camp for eight days. Ms. Klugh enters the tent to tell Michael that one of their people has been captured by the Losties and Michael has to get them back. Michael demands to see Walt, and she lets Walt in… for three minutes (re: the title of the show). Walt comes in (having spouting a few inches since we last saw him. Damn you, puberty!) and says that the Others make him take tests. Then Walt says, “They’re not who they say they are. They’re pretending.” Duh! Ms. Klugh gives Michael the task of bringing four people with him back to their camp, after freeing (not) Henry Gale, of course. If Michael succeeds, he gets Walt back… and the Others’ boat.

Present Day – The Funeral. Jack chit-chats with Sayid, who finally points out the most obvious thing to the thick-headed Jack – that Michael’s been compromised, freed Henry, and is leading them into a trap. During Hurley’s eulogy, he gets mad and decides to come with Michael to fight the Others (cue Michael’s subtle sigh of relief). Then Sun sees a sailboat approaching the beach… and we’re out.

Overall a frustrating episode. I’m annoyed by everyone’s naïveté at Michael’s obvious insanity. Especially Jack, our former man of Science and Logic. The back story showed a new locale, the Other’s camp, that we already know is a shame (from Kate’s finding of the costumes to Walt actually saying “they’re pretending”), so we have to expect that reveal tonight. Even the title annoyed me because I couldn’t figure out what it meant. How about “The List” or “It’s My Call”? I guess the only thing I really did like was the last few minutes when we find out that Sayid is on to Michael, thus giving him “the advantage,” and seeing Desmond’s sailboat at the end – and that’s only because seeing Desmond’s sailboat means ANSWERS!

Will anyone ask Desmond questions when they see him? What will happen when Sayid double-crosses Michael’s double-cross? After tonight will there be anything on TV to watch for the next three months????

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 5
Island Story: 6
Overall: 11

Links:

- All week Doc Jensen at EW.com has been posting interviews with the cast. Some interesting stuff, but most fluff. He interviews Jack, Sawyer, Michael, Eko, Jin, and Locke:

- M. Rod got some more jail time.

Not much else to report in the “Stuff you May Have Missed” category. All the Lost geeks are wrapped up in The Lost Experience. Personally, I’m done with that crap. The last time I played an online game was for the release of the movie “A.I.” – and what a whopping turd that movie turned out to be. These games are only marketing ploys ABC does to maintain interest in the show throughout the summer. And the Lost Experience is blatantly sponsored by Sprite. And now there’s a Lost video game, and some guy from the fictional Hanso Foundation is a guest on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. Too much, I need a break.

Speaking of turds – anyone see “The Da Vinci Code”? Ug, what a snoozefest. Worse than MI:3. All I have to look forward to this summer is X3 (which hopefully wasn’t completely destroyed by Brett Ratner), Superman, and The Fountain. If there’s anything else worth seeing out there, let me know!

Enjoy the last episode, and if Katharine McPhee doesn’t win I’ll go crazy…

Oh, and enjoy “Lost”, too.

"Lost" - ?

2006-05-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

“?” – Eko Story

All right, “?” – the Eko story. We start with a nice “Lost” dream sequence. This time it’s Eko’s, and we see a zombie-like Ana Lucia and Eko’s deceased brother, Yemi, both tell him that he has to join forces with Locke and go to the question mark. The dream was actually incredibly specific and accurate – as supposed to Charlie’s dream where he had to interpret what a flying dove and a floating baby carriage meant.

So Eko and company go to the hatch to find the dead Ana Lucia and the almost-dead Libby. The first reaction is to find (not) Henry Gale and make him pay for what they think he did. But Jack has to stay behind and tend to Libby’s last moments, so Eko volunteers, and enlists Locke’s tracking skills to help him out. And as Libby clings to dear life from her gut shots, Michael stands in the corner crapping his pants that she’ll rat him out.

That brings us to Eko’s back story. We find out that he’s still impersonating a priest, but he’s also trying to get to Los Angeles. However, divine intervention intervenes when a woman claims a miracle happened to her daughter, and Eko has to investigate. He starts by going to see the doctor who was about to perform the autopsy on the apparent drowning victim when she suddenly wakes up before the procedure. Pretty disturbing, but not entirely conclusive to Eko. So he probed further, this time going right to the source. But before he can question the girl who supposedly was brought back to life, her father steps in. He happens to be the psychic that told Claire to take the Oceanic flight that led to her keeping her baby (on a deserted island with no hope of rescue, but she kept it nonetheless). The father tells Eko that the coroner was covering up his own negligence, and his daughter was never dead, simply unconscious and hypothermic. She and his wife did this because they disagree with his occupation as a psychic who deceives people for a living.

Back on the island, Eko asks Locke about the question mark. When Locke doesn’t indulge him, Eko’s thundering head butt jogs his memory. They decide to go off to find the question mark – and we see that Locke no longer has the blind faith he once possessed. Their trail leads to the site of the Nigerian drug plane that Boone caused to crash, ultimately killing him (“a sacrifice the island demanded,” Locke says tongue-in-cheekly). That night, Yemi appears again in a dream, this time telling Eko to climb up to the site where the plan crashed. Eko climbs, then falls, but we find out that this was, in fact, Locke’s dream, and an undeniable link between the two of them.
Eko climbs the cliff and looks out to see (duh duh DAH), the question mark created by salting the ground underneath the crashed plane. Eko and Locke soon discover something hidden underneath the plane where the “period” of the question mark would be. After seeing that it’s a door to another hatch, Locke asks Eko if he can be the one to open it (after all, Locke does love his hatches).

What we discover in this new hatch was one of the cooler parts of this season. This hatch is Dharma Pearl, a monitoring station for all the other hatches on the island. Locke flicks on a monitor and see Jack bumming around in Dharma Swan. A computer print out shows a record of all the times the button was pushed (so I guess we can see what really happened when Henry allegedly didn’t push the button) . And an orientation video shows our friend Dr. Marvin Candle (now Dr. Mark Wickman) giving them instructions to the “experiment” in which the two-man team is to stay with the Pearl for three weeks to observe and record everything that occurs in the other Dharma stations. Dr. Candle tells them that what the people are doing in their hatches is not vital for them to know, but to the subjects, it is of the utmost importance. Towards the end, he mentions something about them taking a ferry to something, but it’s conveniently unintelligible.

At this point, Locke completely “loses his way”, just as Yemi told Eko in his dream. Locke sees the whole idea of pressing the button as an elaborate ruse – a ploy to get the subjects to do the bidding of the experiment so that they can be observed. At this point, I thought the same thing. But that takes us to Eko’s last back story scene…

At the airport, on his way to Los Angeles after proving the “miracle” was a fraud, he is met by the girl in question. She tells him that his dead brother Yemi had given her a message while she was dead. Yemi wanted her to tell Eko that he was a good priest, and he has faith in him, even though he doesn’t have faith in himself. This pushes Eko’s button (ha ha), and he raises his voice to prompt the obligatory character walk-on (this time it’s Libby).

In Dharma Pearl, Eko tells Locke the story of Yemi and the odd coincidence of how Eko and Yemi’s body were reunited, having come full circle from the day Eko first killed a man and gave Yemi the cross from his neck. Eko says how he thinks they are being tested, and that if Locke won’t push the button, he will.

Back in the other hatch story, Jack has sent Kate and Sawyer to get some heroin from Sawyer’s stash to make Libby more comfortable before she dies (and also so Kate can see where the guns are hidden). On their way back, they run into Hurley, and bring him back to the hatch to see Libby. I guess Hurley’s bad luck followed him to the island after all. Jack gives Libby the heroin, and Hurley and Libby have a touching Emmy-clip moment together – “I’m sorry I forgot the blankets (tear).” Libby comes to just for a second, but long enough to say “Michael”. Jack tells her Michael is okay, and then she dies. Hurley’s devastated, Kate’s sobbing, but Michael breathes a huge sigh of relief while staring at the hatch’s computer that sent him on this murderous path.

Overall, I really enjoyed this one. The island stories had both strong emotional elements (the “Libby dying” story) and furthered the overall plot of the series with the introduction of the Dharma Pearl station. And the back story was intriguing, raised questions, and related directly to the themes of the island story without being boring.

So, what’s it all mean? Did Claire’s psychic, who was instrumental in putting Claire on Oceanic flight 815, also play a role in Eko ending up there? After all, if he conceded it was a miracle that happened to his daughter, Eko would miss that flight. Is he a part of the Dharma Initiative? How did the girl know about Yemi and Eko’s faux-piety? Did they meet in (gulp)… purgatory?

Another thing I liked was how Eko (hopefully) got Locke back being the Man of Faith that we all liked in Season One. This season Locke has been all over the place, like letting himself be played by (not) Henry. Eko provided the much-needed slap in the face (or in this case a head butt) that showed Locke that something supernatural is going on, and it’s much bigger than being rats in a maze monitored by an abandoned station… at least I hope so.

Plus Ana Lucia’s dead, and that rules!

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 8
Island Story: 9
Overall: 17

Links:

Here’s a funny one: http://www.islostnewthisweek.com/

Here M. Rod talks about how “Jail was cool”:
http://www.hollywood.com/news/detail/id/3500036

Some pics to check out (like the tray of weed in the Pearl – which I guess would help make three weeks of observation a little more tolerable)
http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x21/markWhitman.jpg
http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x21/tray.jpg
http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x21/thePearl.jpg
http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x21/questionMark.jpg

Don’t forget http://www.thelostexperience.com/ for all the update “Lost Experience” goodies.

Bad Twin Info:

I found this on some message board. It basically gives all the “important” connections to the series, as well as a bunch of useless crap.

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

Troup visited Sydney often.
He seemed to be in a romantic relationship with Cindy Chandler, flight attendant on Oceanic. The book is dedicated to her: "Cindy, my highest-flying angel"

TWO LETTERS

First letter from Christine DeVries, Senior Editor at Walkabout Publishing, to Gary Troup. Dated Aug. 16, 2004. Troup lived at 481 W. 64th St., NY, NY.
Second letter from Troup to DeVries. Dated Aug. 23, 2004. Walkabout Publishing is at 4200 Queen St., Sydney.

CHAPTER 1

Main character is named Paul Artisan.

CHAPTER 3-4

Clifford "Cliff" Widmore, son to the Widmore fortune/business.
Cliff has a left handed twin.
Widmore Building is on 57th St., NY.
Widmore empire started with real estate in New York. Expanded to Florida, California , the Caribbean, and beyond.
Besides real estate, rumors and whispers of other businesses. "arcane construction and engineering projects, investments in a wide range of scientific enterprises, both mainstream and fringe [...]involvement in offshore ventures that would be illegal on U.S. soil;[...]hinted at classified defense contracting or private security work or questionable ethics."
Father (Arthur) Widmore is ill (heart condition and possibly senile).
Stepmother (Vivian) Widmore is "a loose cannon and a bit of a hysteric" (according to Cliff.

CHAPTER 5

Manny Weissman, professor of classics at Columbia University.
Weissman and Artisan share a dog named Argos. Yes, it seems like a silly thing to bring up, but the Argos Satellite system has come up before in connection to Lost. http://www.thefuselage.com/Threaded/...ad.php?t=22281 In the book the dog is named after Odysseus's dog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Odysseus (My guess is this is the Lost writers mocking us again... but you never know).
The idea of doppelgangers is brought up.

CHAPTER 6

Hanso Foundation is on the 42nd floor of the Widmore Building.

CHAPTER 7

Cliff's twin brother is named Zander, as in Alexander.
Zander went to Yale.

CHARACTERS IN THE BOOK

Paul Artisan, detective. Hired by Cliff Widmore to find his twin brother.
Cliff Widmore born 8-16
Alexander (Zander) Widmore born 8-15
Zander is older than Cliff by 23 minutes.
Walter Sammler – dead guy in hospital. Died of natural causes – 42 years old
Eddie Ippolito – runs the Helios Foundation
Prudence is another detective. Pru’s sister works for an Australian biotech working with eucalyptus

BOOKS MENTIONED IN THE BOOK

The Odyssey
Beowulf
Gilgamesh
Trent’s Last Case – said to be “Far better than Turn of the Screw”
Lord of the Flies
Ivanhoe
King Lear
Confessions of Saint Augustine (In which Augustine is a bad kid… “fights and fornicates at every opportunity. But it’s exactly those experiences that set the stage for his redemption….His journey is the most significant because it’s also the most difficult.”

IMPORTANT FACTS

The twins are mirror images – Zander is a lefty. Sinister is the Latin word for left.
WidmoreBuilding rents 42nd floor to The Hanso Foundation
Hanso Foundation people are wearing white and mint green lab coats. All of them have short, clean haircuts. The desk the receptionist is sitting at is so sterile and cold it “could be a dissecting table”
Widmores are in a partnership with Paik Heavy Industry
Zander disappeared on 4/15
Cliff was married to a woman named Shannon Rogers. She killed herself. Her father was a surgeon from Larchmont. She went to Buckley and Vassar.
Paul Artisan asks a friend about her, says, “You said she was a piece of work?” and his response was “Yeah she is. Was.” Slip-up or not?
Shannon was described as Miss Totally Perfect.
The detective, Paul Artisan, explains that his family’s name was Berasategui, but was changed at Ellis Island when his great-grandfather said his occupation, artzain, which is the Basque word for shepherd
Eros and Thanatos – love and death – another pair of mirror images.
Mittlewerk is on the board of the Widmore Corporation. Arthur Widmore doesn’t like him. He says he much preferred when Alvar Hanso was on the board. Arthur says “Alvar is a gentleman”
Widmore money is described “as a curse” that they need to give away in order to be happy
Cliff only had one ally – Mittlewerk. Everyone else thought “Mittlewerk was dangerous – ambitious and brilliantly two-faced, a man acting out an agenda all his own”
Helios Foundation mentioned
Intercontinental (detective agency) mentioned

TOPICS DISCUSSED

Purgatory discussed. “Purgatory. That’s where everything is up for grabs. The stakes could not be higher. There’s suffering, but unlike on earth, the suffering isn’t senseless and random. It has meaning and a purpose. Destinies balance on a knife edge…Purgatory is the second chance…The hard road and the only road that can lead to redemption.”
Murder discussed. “…murder was an absolute offense. It could not be added on to. You couldn’t double infinity, and you couldn’t make murder more heinous by doing it twice, or twenty times. Which meant that there was no reason for someone who had killed not to kill again.”
Yin-Yang: “people capable of big evil are also capable of big goodness”
Island hopping: Manhattan, Peconiquot, Key West, Cuba “earth-size game of connect-the-dots”
“Life is complicated. That’s the point. It isn’t like a string of numbers, you add them up, there’s only one solution.”
“Not all who wander are lost. There’s a reason, a value, in the wandering, in the journey.”

REOCCURING IMAGES

Paisley occurs often in the book. It’s on ties, in tattoos…
Green is used constantly to describe a number of things, and in surprising places. I don’t really know the connection, but it is used to describe (among other things):

Water
Sky
A hat
Central Park
Black pearls
drinks

OTHER LOST CONNECTIONS

Paul goes to Mr. Cluck’s
They fly Oceanic Airlines
The author of the book, Gary Troup, was dating a flight attendant for Oceanic Airlines, Cindy, who disappeared with him on Oceanic Flight 815

VIDEO: Kiefer vs. Christmas Tree

2006-05-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

Finally, the video of Kiefer Sutherland tackling a Christmas tree.

...And to all a good night.

The Society for Pretentious Lost Fans

2006-05-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

I know I usually reserve my Lost blatherings to one email a week, but I’ve found some stuff too precious not to share.

First, USA Today had a huge article on Lost found here: http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2006-05-09-lost_x.htm

In the article, they mention a few other sites devoted to discussing the show, but the most interesting one I found was this: www.loststudies.com

You gotta check this out. This site is for supposed Lost “scholars” who have gotten together to form the Society for The Study of Lost. In the site you’ll find essays (http://www.loststudies.com/1.1/index.html), sonnets (http://www.loststudies.com/1.1/sonnets.html), a master list of all possible topics and theories (http://www.loststudies.com/losttv/index.html), and, my personal favorite, haikus (http://www.loststudies.com/1.1/haiku.html). I like the one the goes:

four eight fifteen six-
teen twenty-three forty-two
they must mean something

And if you like, you can visit The Caves (http://www.loststudies.com/caves/index.html). Notice the sub-heading, “Seek here the springs of wisdom.”

I searched around and found one such spring:

In the "If They Do Get Off The Island" thread, a few of us were tossing around humorous epilogues to the show. As this line of silliness developed, I remembered a line from Hotel California (something in response to Jacksgirlfriend, who actually started this whole thought process by suggesting a name for the post-show Island resort I thought the Rich Kids might open). Anyway: In Hotel California there's a line that we are all familiar with (if you know the song): We are all just prisoners here of our own device.

And here I was dismissing any correlations between Don Henley and Lost! For shame!

And if you’re thirsting for more, apparently a collection of essays spewed from the collective minds of these Lost scholars can be found in a book coming out in August called Getting Lost: Survival, Baggage and Starting Over in J.J. Abrams' Lost. Hey, if anyone wants to get me an early Hanukah present, I won’t say no!

The best part is that you can apply for membership into the Society’s selective Google Group message board. I’ve tried to apply, but it seems they’re not taking applicants at this time. Instead I get this:

You cannot view or post messages because you are not currently a member. Members must be approved before joining.

Description: The Society for the Study of Lost is an international organization devoted to the critical appreciation of the televisions series Lost. We invite article submissions, reviews of Lost resources, and applications for board membership of our associated peer-reviewed e-journal, Lost Online Studies.

Wow.

I just wanted to share my utter disdain for these people. Hey, I can appreciate a good geek-out over a TV show as much as, or probably more than the next guy. But to veil it under this mask of complete pretension is insane. It’s a TV show, not the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Ok then, one small second thing – a new Lost Experience finding.

On the Hanso Foundation website (http://thehansofoundation.org/), I found another couple links to some wackiness. Under “Executive Bios”, under the famous Hanso picture you can click on the date “October 23, 2003”. The click at the bottom of the arrow, the in the now circled date. You’ll see a map that shows the sightings of Hanso. And if you go to the bio of Thomas Middelwerk, there a box to type text in. Type “heir apparent” and see where it goes.

Also, there’s loads of stuff on the site http://www.thelostexperience.com/. Just check in there to get the skinny on any updates.

That’s all for now. Enjoy tonight’s episode, and Namaste.

"Lost" - Two For The Road

2006-05-10T15:59:00.000-07:00

“Two For The Road” – Ana Lucia Story

After Jack and Kate find Michael, we cut to our man (not) Henry Gale. Ana Lucia gets a little too close and HG gets her with choke hold. Fortunately Locke is there to beat Henry over the head with his light weight aluminum crutch, knocking him out cold. This leads us to our first Ana Lucia back story installment of the episode. Here we find Ana Lucia dealing with the aftermath of her cold-blooded gunning down of some dude. I especially liked her exchange with her mom, the weathered Rachel Ticotin, about her alibi:

Mom: Where were you last night?

AL: I made dinner, then watched some TV.

Mom: What’d you watch?

AL: DUUUUUHHHH…. You got me. I’m a murderer.

Doesn’t think on her feet too well, which I guess is the reason she opted for the airport “wander” job once she quit the force. After downing her tough-girl drink (tequila and tonic - gag), she meets Jack’s Dad – one of the most interesting back story characters of the show. As usual, he’s shitfaced, and he offers her a trip to Sydney as his protection. Naturally, she’s accepts the invite from the drunk stranger.

Back on the island, Ana is about to give herself some tough-girl stitches in her forehead when Libby approaches. Foreshadowing of Ana’s Death #1 – Libby says to her, “Don’t do anything stupid.” This takes us back to Ana’s stupid decision to go to Australia. Her we find Jack’s father super-drunk and ready to take Ana (who herself was ready to hit the bottle in the middle of the night) to wherever he was going that required protection. Turns out he was going to visit his daughter in Sydney. Does Jack know he has a sister? Is the sister someone on the island? Is it Claire? At that point Ana Lucia sees that Jack’s Dad isn’t the charming belligerent drunk she thought he was.

Then we set up Hurley and Libby’s picnic, and Sayid mentions the last female causality, Shannon, and everyone takes a moment to reflect on how much we don’t miss her. But back in the hatch, someone we DID miss, Michael, has returned all jacked up. Locke is skeptical about why Michael was all alone, and Jack said it’s because of the yelling. This almost seemed like a role reversal for those two – Locke being the skeptic and Jack having faith that Michael just followed the sound of his voice. Can’t wait to see how this turns out.

So now ladies and gentleman, after almost two seasons (or two months) on the island, the unthinkable happens – two people (who aren’t married) HAVE SEX! I know, Sayid and Shannon did it, too, but that was lame pre-meditated, candlelit, “I love you” sex. Ana Lucia and Sawyer did it Brokeback-style (fighting that turns to passion).

Then we go back to Sydney, where Jack’s Dad tells Ana that they’re both running away from their problems, and that he can’t ever go back. Cue the moment where we see someone else on the island in the back story (Sawyer gets hit with the car door), and we’re…

Back on Sawyer, this time in his post-coital, “look at me with my shirt off,” Men’s Health cover pose. Of course, that fact that Ana just had sex was the “Foreshadowing of Ana’s Death #2” – a classic horror movie convention. I was half expecting her to walk into an abandoned house built on an Indian burial ground.

Back at the hatch, Michael wakes up and tells everybody that the Others are barefoot savages living in tents and tee-pees (WTF?) and they only have two guns, and they eat fish like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Meanwhile, Kate made the decision to NOT speak up about the fact that they wear costumes and worked in a somewhat sophisticated medial facility up until about one month ago. Jack knew this too, but I guess they were just hearing what they wanted to hear. So it’s decided, they’ll get the guns from Sawyer and take on the Others. Jack and Locke have a nice heart to heart where Jack apologizes for believing (not) Henry Gale’s story. Locke vows to not keep things from one another, for at least the next five minutes or so. After all, Locke did just lie to Jack about Gale laying the smack down on Ana Lucia.

Back at the beach, Sawyer’s enjoying the “Bad Twin” manuscript (more on that later) when he’s confronted by Jack, Locke and Kate (who is there specifically so the writers could get Ana alone with Michael and Henry). They ask Sawyer for the guns, and after some Southern Sawyer Sassin’, Jack pulls a gun on him. As this moment, Sawyer realizes that he doesn’t have a loaded Beretta tucked into the crack of his ass. In his defense, he did just get laid for the first time in a long time – he was probably in extended refractory period. Nevertheless, once they realize Ana Loo Loo has a gun, Locke spills the dirt on Ana. If I were Jack, I would have given Locke a Three Stooges smack to the face. What a maroon!

So Ana Lucia confronts her attacker with a gun (déjà vu), but before she can pull the trigger, Gale talks about how Goodwin thought he could change Ana, and how he probably wasn’t going to kill her. Man, those Others. Just when they got you thinking they’re pure evil, they feed you these nuggets that they might just be good after all. I mean Gale did tell Locke that he was coming for him because he was “one of the good ones.”

After the commercials, we go back to the back story and revisit the tearful Jack airport scene from season 1. Ana Lucia’s listening to this, so she calls her Mom and says she wants to come home. But first she has to get a tequila and tonic and try to pick up another drunk (remember she sees Jack at the bar before the flight).

But poor weathered-looking Rachel Ticotin will never see “mi hija” again because in the hatch, Ana caved and couldn’t pull the trigger (literally) on killing Henry. So she gives the gun to Michael…

Four bullets later, Ana Lucia’s dead, Libby’s mortally wounded (I assume), Michael’s got a gun shot to the shoulder, and I can only assume Henry has escaped.

So, what do I think about the death if Ana Lucia? Well, surprisingly I’m happy and sad. I’m glad because she always bothered me, both her character and her acting. But I’m kind of concerned about the ever-decreasing number of hot chicks on the show. Especially after A.L. got down with Sawyer, she suddenly looked a lot more attractive to me. And Libby was also giving off a stink, even though it was combined with Hurley’s “fat-guy-smell”. Now they’re both gone, so we have to contend with broad-shoulders Kate, who I think America is officially “over” (especially after it’s confirmed she’s bonin’ the hobbit), Claire, who’s always holding that damn possessed baby, and Sun – who’s married AND preggers (which equals “not hot”). I never thought I’d been longing for the days of Shannon sunbathing. Also, what chance do we have that the island will produce more hot chicks? We’ve already met the Tailies, the Others are all jacked up… so what are we left with? Rose and Rousseau? Ugh, I’d rather watch the Sex and the City girls.

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 6 (short, not very compelling)
Island Story: 8 (bonus points for the ending)
Overall: 14

Links:

The Lost Experience:

You may have heard of the online game that they’re doing to tie in with the show. Well I guess it kicked off last Wednesday. There’s an updated site for the Hanso Foundation: http://thehansofoundation.org/

Lots of bizarre stuff, but mostly the usual electro-magnetism and age enhancing stuff, plus the bios on some bios on the Hanso executives. Cool-looking site, but Joop, the 105-year-old orangutan, bugs me out. Speaking of Joop…

Near the end of the episode, there’s was that Hanso Foundation commercial with a phone number, 1-877-HANSORG. This is the first clue of the Lost Experience. Instead of calling, here’s what it says:

http://stadium.weblogsinc.com/tvsquad/podcasts/877-hansorg-1b.mp3

It sounds like the Princess Leia distress call, but instead it’s from someone named Persephone (hmmm, perhaps it’s Alex, Rousseau’s daughter???) – basically at the end there’s instructions for a password to use on the Hanso site. Here’s the method:

1. Go the “newsletter” page of the site.
2. Enter any sign up name.
3. Enter “yes” when asked if your there.
4. Enter “breakingstrain” as the password. It’ll show some flashing images of Joop.
5. Log in again using your log in name.
6. Go to the “Ask Joop” page.
7. Ask him anything.
8. You got to some weird looking screen with moving bubble-looking things. For me random double clicking on the bubbles yielded a document that you have to move a circular light around to read. It talks about a new strain of the meningococcal disease in Tanzania. Something about Zanzibar, etc.
9. Click on the signature for another document.
10. Click on the circled name.
11. Then click anywhere to get back to the Hanso site.

Don’t know where it goes from there, but I assume putting in you user name over the next few weeks will do something. Oh, and there are theories that Joop has Hanso’s brain.

Remember that manuscript Hurley found, Bad Twin? Well, now there’s a site about it.

http://www.garytroup.net/home.php

Apparently the character in the book deals with the Widmore company (the one that made Sun’s pregnancy test) and the Hanso Foundation, and under Troup’s other works is “The Valenzetti Equation.” “Valenzetti” is written on the blacklight map. Oh, and don’t forget that “Gary Troup” rearranged spells “purgatory”. Don’t worry, I’ll read it and give a full book report. Wow, watching “Lost” has somehow turned into a middle school English class. In that case, I’ll search the internet for someone else who’s read it and copy what they say.

In case any of you “readers” out there are interested: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1401302769/104-9251893-4691159

Here’s an interview with Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof.

Here’s some info about the upcoming episodes:

“?” – Mr. Eko story - Mr. Eko enlists Locke to help find a secret location he believes houses answers to the island's mysteries. Meanwhile, Jack and the other survivors struggle to cope with the horrific situation in the hatch.

“Three Minutes.” - Michael story. A determined Michael convinces Jack and several castaways to help him rescue Walt from 'The Others.' Meanwhile, Charlie struggles with Eko's decision to discontinue building the church.

“Live Together, Die Alone.” - Desmond story (hell yeah!) The two-hour season finale. J.J. Abrams was on the Howard Stern Show on Monday and described the episode as “mind-blowing.” “After discovering something odd just offshore, Jack and Sayid come up with a plan to confront ‘The Others’ and hopefully get Walt back. Meanwhile, Eko and Locke come to blows as Locke makes a potentially cataclysmic decision regarding the ‘button and the hatch.’”

Spill your forties for our fallen homies...

Crazy Kiefer's Back

2006-05-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

Thanks to K.Z. for suppling me with my fix for drunken Kiefer pics!

Stephen Colbert at White House Correspondents' Dinner

2006-05-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

It's pretty amazing that after 6 years of ripping on Bush, Colbert actually got to do it to his face.

EDIT: YouTube took down the video. LAME!

Adblock

"Lost" - S.O.S.

2006-04-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

“S.O.S” – Rose and Bernard Story

How do I convey into words the feeling I get watching a Rose and Bernard story? How bout… Ugggggggggggh!

This episode sucked anyway you slice it. Maybe I’m heartless, but this episode was the equivalent of a Lost “chick flick”. First of all, I thought the Hurley episode was an annoying departure from furthering the main plot, but this one was outrageous.

So we find out that Rose and Bernard are actually newlyweds. Apparently they met in beautiful downtown Buffalo in the dead of winter and it was love at first sight. Then Bernard proposed against the backdrop of Niagara Falls, which happened to be the same time he found out that Rose had terminal cancer. But the heart wants it wants, and Bernard was determined to spend his life with Rose for as long as that may be.

So Bernard decides to take Rose to the arid deserts of Australia for their honeymoon. Wouldn’t be my first choice for a romantic getaway, but we find out that he has an ulterior motive – he’s taking Rose to a renowned faith healer, Isaac of Uluru, where 10 grand can buy a miracle. But after 10 seconds, Isaac knows that he can’t help Rose, but he tells her she needs to go to another place where different magnetic energies can possibly help her.

Back on the island story, Bernard wants to build an SOS on the beach where planes or satellites, not unlike ones that may be dropping Dharma supplies to the survivors, can see the distress signal and send help. Rose is vehemently against this idea, and says that Bernard’s giving them false hope. Of course later we find out Rose’s motive for doing this – the island has cured her cancer and she has no intention of leaving this little slice of island paradise. Bernard agrees to stop trying to get rescued and he’ll stay on the island as long as Rose does. Cue the montage of the survivors complete content and complacent on the beach.

I remember a time when the island was full of danger. People wanted to get the hell off that island for fear of being eaten by a monster, attacked by a rogue polar bear, or kidnapped and/or murdered by the Others. Now let’s list what the island and its freaky magnetism has done for our survivors:

- Cured paralysis

- Cured cancer.

- Cured sterility

- Got Charlie off heroin

- Got Hurley a girl friend and a nice workout regimen.

- Provided plenty of food from some mysterious supply drop, which is now kept in a beautiful pantry.

- Provided a hatch where people can shower, do laundry, listen to music, and read books and play ping pong.

- Provided Sawyer with an outlet for his arsenal of nicknames and general douche-bag antics.

Things the island can’t help:

- Sawyer’s bad eye sight.

- Ana Lucia’s bad acting.

- Any sort of open communication or dialogue between people.

Now it seems as if no one wants to leave. Kate is safe from the long arm of the law, Locke’s able to walk and act like Crocodile Dundee, Jack doesn’t seem to have any family to go back to, Hurley’s bad luck is seemingly absent from the island. There’s no more danger or jeopardy, which, I guess, is directly proportional to my interest in the stories.

Plus, living on a deserted island can’t be that fun. Claire’s baby, last time I checked, still didn’t have diapers. And speaking of which, unless everyone goes to the Hatch whenever nature calls, I bet there’s a least a few “holes” around camp that certainly aren’t pleasant, especially after Hurley’s done using them. Not to mention everyone’s sleeping on a damn beach in some shanty tent. I watch Survivor, and those people are constantly miserable. They miss their families, they’re malnourished and cold and wet because it downpours. But everything’s peaches and cream in Lost-ville.

The silver-lining to all this lies in the assumption that this is the calm before the storm. That the writers want us to feel like everyone is comfortable and safe because in a little bit, all hell’s going to break loose. Even if this is the case, it doesn’t make getting there any less painful to watch. But one reason I am confident that this is where the show’s headed is this:

Image #1

Image #2

Those are shots taken from the set of graves by Mr. Eko’s church. Considering the degree of lameness I had to endure watching the Rose and Bernard love story, I’m expecting a future body count the rivals Kill Bill to make up for it. I guess we’ll find out in May when we see our next new episode.

Some other things worth mentioning about this episode:

The Jack/Kate adventure. So Jack’s gonna call out the Others and try to trade Henry Gale for Walt. Now, Mr. (not) Gale said that our (not) bearded friend M.C. Gainey was nothing compared to “Him”, and they’ll never give up Walt. Interesting. Hopefully next episode when we see Michael, he’ll be able to shine some light on what he’s talking about. But I wouldn’t hold my breath. Here’s a preview of the next episode which, I hope, will deliver a welcome change from this stagnant pace. Either that, or it’ll be a back story on the guy who sells frogurt

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 3

Island Story: 4

Overall: 7

Phew. I’m spent. Until May 3^rd…

"Lost" - Dave

2006-04-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

“Dave” – Hurley Story

You gotta hand it to the Lost writers, they DO make Hurley stories interesting. Regardless of the fact that it was a complete departure from anything that might move the overall plot forward, it was entertaining. But how lame and after-school-specialy was it when Hurley destroyed his stash of food? I mean, they still ARE on a deserted island – share the wealth, I’m sure other people like ranch dressing.

So let’s get into it. We find out the Hurley’s past included an incident where he stepped on a deck and broke it, causing two people to die (Oh, and there were 23 people on the deck – we get it, the numbers are everywhere). After this event, Hurley goes into some sort of catatonic vegetative state, then binge eats, then gets institutionalized where he hallucinates Dave, the manifestation of a former divorce lawyer on Sex and the City. Dave is always getting Hurley to eat, and finally disappears once Hurley is shown the photo the doctor took of Hurley putting his arm around nobody (anybody else immediately get that Dave was imaginary at the moment that picture was taken?)

Once Hurley starts seeing Dave on the island, he starts to flip out. Even though hallucinations are probably as common as sunburns on the island, Hurley has some real interaction with “Dave”. The big twist: Dave convinces Hurley that the entire crash and everything after (as well as years before) is all in Hurley’s mind being played out as the real Hurley lies at the Santa Rose Mental Hospital in yet another catatonic state.

Let’s pause here for a second. It’s moments like these where I really do like “Lost” – after this moment, I questioned everything I had seen over the past two seasons. Not only that, but I was also full of intense rage if this actually WAS what was happening and would put Lost in the annuls of television infamy right next to the Dallas “it was all a dream” reveal. All these thoughts whizzed around my head for a few minutes until Libby came in to burst that bubble. She’s able to convince Hurley that Dave is full of shit, and that it couldn’t all be in his mind because he wasn’t aware of details pertaining to her experiences on the other side of the island. Then we find out that Libby was also a guest of Santa Rosa at the same time that Hurley was there.

So what does this mean? I don’t know, but if this doesn’t beg for a Libby back story, I don’t know what does. Why was she in the hospital, or more importantly, why was she in Australia and aboard Oceanic 815? There’s a lot of speculation that Libby is an Other, a Dharma (which some people have put into a separate category from the Others – Dharma’s are the people on the island as part of the Dharma Initiative experiment, whereas Others are people who ended up on the island and began a savage society while inhabiting the abandoned hatches – just a theory). A lot of people think Libby a spy, and she was in Australia following Hurley who was on his way to possibly figuring out what the numbers mean. Or maybe Libby was on a similar journey like Hurley, after all, she knew crazy Leonard, too. Or maybe the whole thing is in Libby’s head since it was her point of view in the last scene – which is something that hasn’t been done in episode. Either way, something tells me that something interesting is going to befall Libby before the season ends.

Oh, and Hurley kicking Sawyer’s ass was pretty fun to watch.

In other island news, our buddy (not) Henry Gale tells Locke that he didn’t actually enter the numbers in the hatch, but rather described seeing the hieroglyphics, then hearing the roaring electromagnet do something, then the numbers reset themselves. I remember when Locke was the man with the answers, but this season he’s like a marionette, with Gale pulling the strings. We all know Gale’s a liar, possibly an Other, definitely a rabble-rouser, so why can’t Locke just kick his ass? We saw him lay the smack down on Charlie, and Gale’s tied up! But seriously, I do miss the Locke of season one, and I’m not too thrilled about the new hot-head impulsive Locke of season 2.

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 8
Island Story: 6 (cool, but no advancement of the overall story)
Overall: 14

Other tidbits:
- Hurley was involved in a collapsing deck accident that resulted in 2 deaths. The platform was only supposed to hold 8 people, but had 23 people on it (15 people over the maximum). At the time that Hurley went onto the platform, there were 16 people over the maximum and the deck collapsed (from “Lostpedia”)
- Columnist Jeff Jensen does a fairly frequent Lost article where he offers his own theories and invites comments from readers. It has some cool stuff worth checking out. But I’m wary, he could very well be in contact with the writers of Lost and could steer us in directions they want us viewers to go. If you’d like to discuss more outrageous conspiracy theories, I’ll be staying at Santa Rosa drooling on myself while connected to a steady Throazine drip.

"Lost" - Lockdown

2006-03-30T19:51:00.000-08:00

“Lockdown” – Locke Story

Good episode, not the best ever, but good. The back story with Locke finally gaining closure with his father only to get dumped by Peggy Bundy was intriguing, but part of me thinks that I’m only interested in Locke stories because every scene I’m anxiously awaiting the moment where he gets hit by a car or a bus and paralyzed. This ep. didn’t even have any misleads to that effect. So I guess in retrospect, that back story was bull crap. One cool scene was when Locke was inspecting that woman’s house and we find out that it’s Sayid’s broad from Iraq. Oh, I love it when they do that!

My question is, why was Locke so easily swayed when his father asked him to retrieve stolen money? Wouldn’t any number of shady characters be watching the money at all times and waiting for the first person to withdraw seven hundred large from a bank? Maybe I’m just geeking out, but it seemed like it was out of his character to cave so easily to something so blatantly illogical. But I can see how it related to the main story, so I’ll buy it.

Speaking of the main story…

Locke finds himself alone in the hatch with Henry Gale. Jack should be there, but he gets caught up in a game of Texas hold-em with Sawyer to win back the medicine Sawyer took from the hatch. He ends up completely demoralizing Saywer while using his vast knowledge of the game he learned in Phuket.

Meanwhile, back at the hatch…

Some sort of unintelligible voice comes through the loudspeaker. It’s a countdown, and before you know it, 2 ton metal blast doors (the very ones Sayid had pointed out earlier) come crashing down. Luckily, Locke wedged a tool kit and attempts to climb under the doors so he can get to his precious button. Who would have thought a hollow aluminum tool kit could support the weight of the blast doors? Well, Locke did, so he goes (legs first) under the doors, when BOOM, the door impales his formerly-paralyzed leg. And to think that two months ago, Locke wouldn’t have felt the massive sprockets impaling the main arteries in his leg. How ironic.

In desperation, Locke tells Henry about the button, and the path way through the ducts to get there. No, why wouldn’t Locke use that very same path, which seems quite accessible and much safer than pulling an Indiana Jones under the blast door? Well, Locke seems to have lost all rational thought in this episode.

Locke convinces Henry to press the button, and Henry obliges, promptly knocks himself out, comes to, then navigates the ducts, enters the numbers and presses the button. Then Locke sees the black-lit map on the blast door (more on that later). After some clanking and sirens go off, the black lights turn off, the doors rise up, and Henry also comes back to save Locke. Maybe he’s not so bad after all…

Oh wait, he is bad. On their expedition to find the balloon, Sayid also finds a grave. And upon digging up that grave, he finds the real Henry Gale and his balloon. Damn, you’re screwed, (not) Henry Gale.

So let’s talk about the map. The lockdown in the hatch occured presumably to keep whoever’s inside it there so they won’t see who’s providing the supply drop. However, the map on the blast door would suggest that they either come down quite often, or that whoever drew it (Desmond, Kelvin perhaps?) was pretty quick with a black light pen.

Talk about a writer’s license. I feel like that map provides the show with hundreds of options to cover their ass for any storyline they choose for the next 20 years. Either that or it’s just nonsense to keep internet geeks busy deciphering in order to distract them from the declining quality of the show. You can see some good notations on the map here: http://www.4815162342.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=13696

So, does this map actually reveal anything? A translation of the Latin yields: “Polar Bear.” “Here be Dragons.” “Save Yourself from Hell.” “The disease worsens with treatment. The remedy is worse than the disease.” “I think therefore I am depressed.” Not too insightful. The map obviously has the layout of all the various Dharma stations, but the geography seems to be off. For example, if the hatch is Dharma Swan – and the Tailies were in Dharma Arrow – then that makes sense, they’re completely across from one another. However, Claire, Kate and Rousseau took a day trip and ended up at Dharma Staff. That means that Dharma Flame is somewhere right near the “losties” (as they’ve been dubbed on the net).

But I get it, the map isn’t to scale. What it could be, however, is what people are saying is a diagram of a large scale Skinner Box (read all about it here: http://lostpedia.com/wiki/B.F._Skinner). This certainly adds to the theory that they are all part of a grand experiment, and the Dharma supply drop supports that as well. It makes you wonder why everyone isn’t all concerned about the fact that they’re all lab rats. Oh wait... that’s cause nobody talks to each other about anything (sorry, had to get that in there).

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 6
Island Story: 8
Overall: 14

Links:
- By now I’m sure everyone has seen the blown-up color version of the map in Entertainment Weekly, but in case you haven’t, check it out here.
- I found this re: the math:
“…there is a continued radical on there.. the numbers squared represent each "n" inside the square root in sequence... Continued radicals always approach a limit...
x4,y8,z15 subterranean conduit... maybe 16,23,42 is the direction magnitude? of the vector coming from this location..
there is a vector eq'n for strength of a dipole mag field
[(5)^(1/2) - 1]/2 * r is an integral number representation that leads towards assuming the number phi 1.618 the golden ratio is a part of it
There is an equation for a rate of enthalpy reaction...”
Oooh, fascinating.
- http://lostpedia.com/wiki/Main_Page : Basically a wikipedia for all things Lost. See, there ARE more obsessed people then me out there.
- Two Oceanic branded aircraft are seen landing while Locke drops off the cash.
- Anthony Cooper's safety deposit box was #1516

"Lost" - The Whole Truth

2006-03-23T15:47:00.000-08:00

“The Whole Truth” – Sun story.

Overall, worst ep. of the season. B-story was better than the A (although I was relieved that Jin replanted Sun’s garden. Talk about a nail-biter!), but this one score’s some pretty low marks.

The island never ceases to amaze me. Not only does it offer all sorts of monsters, omniscient black smoke, and sickness that terrorize the inhabitants, but it CAN do some good. After all, it gave Jin super sperm to knock up his wife. Remember when he came back to camp after everyone thought he was on the raft? That next morning, he walked out of his tent with Sun and had that grin on his face that went from ear to ear. The kind of grin that says, “Oh yeah, I put a hurtin’ on her last night.” I’m surprised he didn’t go around high fiveing everyone – I guess that not part of Korean culture.

Speaking of Korean culture, what else can’t doctors tell Korean men for fear of having their practice burned down? I assume STDs are out of the questions, but how about other ailments? Chicken pox, flat feet, erectile dysfunction? What a country!

And was it Jin that got Sun pregnant? After all, she did seem pretty cozy with Weird Bald Guy. But she told Jin that she didn’t sleep with anyone else, and I believe her, even though it seems like this chick’s got more secrets than the Pentagon.

So, did I like the A-story? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Talk about a snoozefest. However, at this rate, Sun will give birth to her baby around season 10. Then it will be tortured as only the Lost writers can do.

Let’s move on to the Henry Gale story. At first, when Locke wanted Ana Lucia to talk to him, I thought if Sayid, the “torturer”, couldn’t get him to talk, then how could she? Who’s the next interrogator, Rose and Bernard?

Also, everyone, including Sayid, knew that there’s about an 80% chance that they were walking into a trap. And after that speech by Henry at the end of the episode, I was about 60% convinced that he was an Other. Then in the preview for next week, we see the friggin smiley face balloon! And we see Sayid in the hatch (where it looks like some crazy stuff goes down), so he probably wasn’t captured. However, if the Others needed to kidnap some survivors for a trade for Gale, they could have snatched 10 people from the beach if they wanted to. But there’s also the fact that if Gale was an Other, then perhaps the balloon belonged to someone else (remember Desmond? He was just helping out Jack Bauer on 24), and the Others knew about it and concocted the story around it. Or it could have belonged to Adam and Eve (the bodies found near the caves in Season 1). Either way, why didn’t Locke just bitch slap him for being a patronizing douche?

Ahh, so many questions. Too bad the preview for next week was better than the show.

Some interesting links:

- Transcripts of all the whispering conversations from the past episodes:
http://www.lostlinks.net
- Videos of some “Lost” cast members before they were on the show: http://www.thesuperficial.com
- Some fan site with schematics of the hatch: http://www.cs.iastate.edu/~andorfc/paint.html
- I knew as soon as I saw it that someone was going to play the audio that Jin heard when Sawyer and Bernard were talking backwards. Sure enough, here it is: http://lost.cubit.net/audio/sawyerBernard.mp3
Canadian Promo: http://tinyurl.com/kyswj
America Promo: http://tinyurl.com/khrzz

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 3 (you know it’s bad when you don’t even bother to read the subtitles)
Island Story: 7
Overall: 10

Oscar Picks

2006-03-05T15:32:00.000-08:00

Having finally gotten over the snub of King Kong in all major categories, I’ve collected myself, seen almost every movie, and here’s who I think is bringing home hardware:

Supporting Actress: This one’s between Rachel Wiesz and Michelle Williams, but this category tends to skew away from the big winners of the night (this year it’s Brokeback) and awards the random ones. I saw Junebug the other night, and Amy Adams is awesome in that movie. I wouldn’t be upset if she won at all, but look for Rachel Weisz to bring it home.

Supporting Actor: This one’s all Clooney, who’s going to win for Syriana. But this’ll be the only trophy Clooney sees tonight.

Actress: Reese seems to have this one locked up, but don’t be surprised if Felicity Huffman pulls an upset. After all, she did wear a prosthetic penis that actually peed on camera – the Academy loves that!

Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman is a lock. And Capote’s a damn good movie, too.

Original Screenplay: No one understands Syriana, and Good Night and Good Luck is basically a college thesis on Murrow where 75% is actual transcripts. I hate to say it, but this one’s going to Paul Haggis’ Crash.

Adapted Screenplay: Brokeback.

Director: Ang Lee for Brokeback

Picture: King Kong. But in case that doesn’t work out, I’ll say…um… Brokeback.

Oscar Surprises: Jon Stewart will be funny, celebrities will look glamorous, and there will be 40-50 gay-themed jokes, each of which will be side-splittingly hilarious (that’s Bruce Villanch’s bread and butter). Oh, and a couple cracks about Cheney shooting people.

"Lost" - Maternity Leave

2006-03-03T20:24:00.000-08:00

Hey Lost fans! Wednesday’s ep. certainly had lots of stuff to talk about, so let’s get into it.

“Maternity Leave” – Claire Story

This episode saw the return of Ethan Rom, the sociopathic Other that kidnapped Claire, hung Charlie, killed Scott (or was it Steve), and then got riddled with bullets before he could offer any insight into what he was up to – more on him later. But first off, I liked how the backstory involved something that happened on the island. I hope the writer’s continue this structure when talking about other storylines, ie. Walt’s or Michael’s, should the writers choose to ever talk about those two again. But what exactly did it reveal?

Thanks to Libby’s expert psychoanalysis (I think she was a dog psychologist back in the real world), Claire was able to remember what happened to her during her abduction. Because of this, we know that there’s another Dharma facility that was functional at the time of Claire’s abduction (we know that Dharma Arrow is abandoned from the Tailies story). I found this video that may or may not be genuine (and I mean “genuine” in the sense that it came from the show and not a fan): http://www.prestonandsteve.com/video/144.wmv
This video shows the functions of the various Dharma facilities on the island. However, after freeze framing the door of the facility that Claire was held in, it doesn’t match any of the designs in the video. The one Claire was in had a symbol of what looks like a caduceus on it – so perhaps this was a dedicated medical facility, or maybe it was a main Dharma bunker at the core of all the others. Or maybe it’s bullshit. Either way, it shows all the interesting things Dharma’s been up to on the island.

We also now know that the Others may not be as bad as we had originally thought. Sure, the kidnap women and children and kill people by the dozen, but this episode also brought back a theme that has been dormant since the beginning of the Rosseau story – the sickness. We know Rosseau killed her team after they become sick, and Ethan and company seemed very concerned that the baby be saved from getting sick. Could the outbreak of “the sickness” be the incident that was mentioned in the Dharma video? And is the sickness severe enough the warrant the rampant killing of anyone not within the quarantined structures of Dharma? Claire’s baby seems to be significant to the Others, as does Walt, so perhaps children are vital to the overall plan of the Dharma Initiative.

And how about my man M.C. Gainey? I’m sure we all collectively did a double take when we saw him without a beard, then we did that math and figured out that he would have had to grow a giant beard in about 2 weeks to the time he blew up the raft. Luckily they explained this when Kate found the fake beard, the ratty clothes, and the theatrical glue. But why? Why do the Others put on that façade when they interact with the survivors of the crash? Is it to create the illusion that they’re savages that aren’t to be fucked with? I guess their bad-assness would be compromised if they were roaming the jungle in suits and medical lab coats.

And sweet Rosseau. I thought that main characters were good at not talking to one another about anything that may be vital to a given situation, but Rosseau is the best. Whenever anyone asks her a question, she responds with a blank stare and walks away. Brilliant! After a day of Claire yelling at her and Kate pointing a gun in her face, she waits until the very end to say that she saved Claire and carried her back to camp. And where does she live? Didn’t she blow up her own place last season?

Then there’s Ethan. That guy creeps me out. Apparently he was a higher-up in the ranks of the Others, a doctor of sorts that could also infiltrate the camp and kidnap Claire. Here’s my question, if the Others are worried about getting sick, then what about Ethan hanging out in camp for those days or weeks before taking Claire? Did they just jack him up with enough of the serum to make sure he was safe? And I guess after Ethan was killed, the Others decided to pack up shop in that Dharma bunker and continue their work elsewhere. But they did leave behind Claire’s knitted bootie, which after being on a dirty floor for a month, Claire found and brought back to baby Aaron in a very sweet scene. Nothing helps a sick baby like chewing on a disgustingly germ-infested bootie.

Quick word on the other stories: The prisoner Henry Gale and Mr. Eko. That guy is definitely an Other, but I didn’t like the Locke outburst at the end. I mean, Gale pulled the most obvious attempt to usurp his captors but trying to pit Locke and Jack against each other, so why did Locke fall for it? Or was he pissed at himself for letting Gale get to him?

I have no idea what’s going on with Mr. Eko. I think he may be building a church, but I don’t know what anything he said to Gale meant, or why he cut off his beard thing. But I loved the reaction Gale had to Eko walking in to the room - sheer shit-your-pants terror.

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 8
Island Story: 8.5 (points for answering a story line that happened in season 1)
Overall: 16.5

Here’s a link you will enjoy. It’s all the frames labeled with their significance. Some great stuff to check out: http://www.4815162342.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=9533

Drinking with Jack Bauer

2006-02-18T15:48:00.000-08:00

So my friends and I decide to go out on Saturday night to this place called “The Bar”. We like it for its ambiance and original name. But after being there for a while, we suddenly noticed that Kiefer Sutherland was sitting at a table. Now this place is small, so Kiefer was at an arm’s distance from me. So I figure, what the hell? I’ll go talk to him.

After walking over to him, I introduce myself and offer to buy him a drink. At this point I noticed that Kiefer was out-of-his-mind drunk. I’m talking the kind of drunk where you revert back to infancy, and you can’t hold you head up on your neck or speak coherent words. Needless to say, I immediately told all my friends to start conversations with Kiefer because it seemed like he was one of us.

My friend and I decide that shot of Patron would be nice to give Kiefer a little boost. So I bring the shot outside where he’s smoking a cigarette. As I take mine, he promptly throws his on the ground. I look at him like, “What’s the fuck, Kiefer?” and he says (in garble drunk-speak), “I spilled it out. I can’t do it. I’m sorry... I think I got some on your shoes.” Since he seemed genuinely sorry, I said, “It’s okay, Kiefer,” and led him back inside the bar.

Much to my delight, my entire posse was waiting at the bar for a chance to not only meet Kiefer, but to take advantage of his drunken state for our own amusement. So we kicked things off with a “Dance Off” between Kiefer and my buddy, Smards. Kiefer went first – his dancing was basically flailing his arms around. Smards went and promptly blew him away with such patented dance moves as the flamingo, the Wrangler, and the rubber torso. Kiefer didn’t stand a chance.

After Smards did his thing, we all applauded, and Kiefer actually got down on his knees and bowed to him. He then looks up into Smards’ eyes and says, “You wanna move in with me?” Then Kiefer looks to my other buddy, Cubes, and says, “Grab my hand.” So Cubes grabs his hand and helps him up, which leads to this exchange:

Kiefer: Grab my hand!
Cubes: I’m holding your hand!
Kiefer: You wanna fight me?
Cubes: No way, you’re Jack Bauer. You’ll break my neck in 3 seconds.
(Kiefer hugs Cubes)
Kiefer (re: Smards): Does he wanna move in with me?
Cubes: You should move into our apartment with us.
Kiefer: Fuck that. I got a mansion in Malibu!

Kiefer took a shining to Cubes and introduced him to his 19-year-old daughter, who was taking pictures of the dance off. I’m not sure how we ended things with Kiefer because that shot of Patron caught up with me. But hopefully I’ll be able to find the pictures of the dance off she took.

Gotta love Hollywood.

"Lost" - One of Them

2006-02-16T14:43:00.000-08:00

“One of Them” – Sayid Story.

“My name is Sayid Jarrah, and I am a torturer.” Pretty bad-ass. I thought that Sayid story was cool, but I wasn’t quite sure what was going on in the back story. They wanted Sayid to torture his own superior, but the US could have easily done it because it’s revealed in the end that the Army official (ably played by Clancy Brown) spoke the language. Perhaps in this day and age, showing US soldiers torturing Iraqis may be considered a tad taboo, so showing another Iraqi doing it is ok. But then what happened to Sayid? He was just a torturer from then on? Was he working for the US for a while, because in a previous back story he was working with the CIA to give up those Sydney suicide bombers?

Overall, I liked the A-story (although the back story looked nothing like Iraqi – more like a Van Nuys back lot’s version of it). And Sayid beating the crap out of our new friend Henry Gale was great – you know that guy’s an Other by that look he gave Sayid when Jack stopped him.

And what’s with Jack? One minute he wants to build an army to attack the Others, and the next he’s coddling this strange man who no one knows? Stop flip-flopping, Jack! Let Sayid kick his ass and find out exactly who he is.

B-story: Sawyer and Hurley look for a frog. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sawyer: “Why don’t you shut up bamo? Or your ranch disorder is gonna be the new lead item on the coconut internet.” One of those stories that makes you bang your head against a wall in frustration.

All right, now let’s get into the cool stuff. So, the clock goes down to zero, and then some weird pics come up. What were they? You can see them here: http://lost.cubit.net/pics/2x14/glyphs.jpg

What do they mean: http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e183/Alyson3783/hieroglyphs.jpg

Some say it’s the Egyptian word for “die”. Why Egyptian hieroglyphics? Cause the writers enjoy driving us crazy. And how did Locke prevent whatever impending doom was about to happen? Three words, “Control, Alt, Delete.”

Here’s what some Internet chatter says about some points you may have missed:

- “When Sayid is traveling in the vehicle with American soldiers, one of them is the man Kate thought was her father for a long time, Sgt. Sam Austen. He is also holding a picture of Kate.”

- “Henry Gale” is Dorothy’s Uncle from the Wizard of Oz. And he’s flying a hot air balloon to Australia (or “Oz”).

- http://emri.perception.net/ - This site has a simulated Hatch computer that you could type things in to. The computer is gone for now, but if it comes back, I’ll let you know.

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 6.5
Island Story: 5 (lost major points for the frog story)
Overall: 11.5

"Lost" - The Long Con

2006-02-09T17:24:00.000-08:00

“The Long Con” – Sawyer story: I liked it. It wasn’t any more ridiculous than Sawyer’s character is, except for maybe the end.

As far as the back story goes, I liked how they revisited an older one when Sawyer pulled the whole “accidentally opening briefcase” bit. And I liked how she called him on it. The whole part at the end with him revealing the con to her and then still going through with it I thought was kinda ridiculous, but I guess even a bad man like Sawyer can still learn to love (gag). But isn’t the fact that he told her he loved her and still took the money kind of a double punk?

In the island story, it baffles me why Jack and Locke ever “agree” to do anything together because there’s a 100% chance that one of them will violate that agreement. And as far as Sawyer plotting to steal all the guns, where does he expect to hide them where Locke, or the Others, can’t find them? And is he going to be clutching that machine gun at all times like some jihadist? And what’s it going to take to get a gun from Sawyer? Pain pills, a new pair of glasses, or perhaps a kiss from Freckles?

Oh, and how bout Charlie no longer being the most hated man in camp? Even though he had to give Sun some lumps on the noggin, you know what they say about making omelets.

Overall, I liked how Sawyer manipulated everyone to do what he thought. Even by making sure Kate was around for his alibi, and pitting her against Ana Lucia – brilliant. The Seahawks could’ve used Sawyer to plot some strategy for their two minute drills. Also this ep. had a nice weaving of back story and island story, culminating in the “long con”. And there’s a new power dynamic in the camp, and Jack and Locke were finally, if not temporarily, put in their place.

Other points:
- Hurley was reading a manuscript called “Bad Twin” by Gary Troup: http://tinyurl.com/coogr. Rearrange the letters in Gary Troup and you get “purgatory”.
- What the hell was Locke doing with the books? Trying to find something in the pages? The book he lifted up was called “Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge”, which is the story of a civil war soldier “conned” by a Union scout into trying to sabotage Owl Creek Bridge. But he is actually caught and about to be hanged when the rope breaks and he is able to escape, and the rest of the story is about his escape and arriving home to his wife and flashbacks of how he got conned. However, there is a twist at the end when the rope goes taut and he does indeed die by hanging. The whole story was just a split-second vision that flashed through his mind as he was about to die. Pretty clever, “Lost” folks.
- The song playing on the radio at the end was by Glenn Miller, who boarded a plane in December of 1944 going to Paris and vanished.

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 8.5
Island Story: 8.5
Overall: 17

General “Lost” Theories:
- http://www.4815162342.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=7712 – This one is hardcore.
- There’s been talk that The Others are really good guys trying to prevent the children from the sickness. That one doesn’t hold too much water with me.
- My roommate has a theory that everyone has a ying to their yang on the island: Like Saywer’s a con man, and Locke was conned by his Dad. Ana Lucia lost a baby she wanted, Claire had a baby she didn’t want. Eko found God and lost drugs. Charlie lost God (he was an alter boy) and found drugs.

"Lost" - Fire + Water

2006-01-26T18:06:00.000-08:00

“Fire + Water” – Charlie Story: Oh yeah! You all (everybody) may know that I’m a sucker for a good Charlie story, mainly because I like seeing the inner-workings of Driveshaft so much. And this one surely didn’t disappoint. Not only did it blend outrageously absurd back story moments with Charlie’s unexpected descent into madness, but it also had some of my favorite “Lost” lines ever.

First, the back story. The “You All Everybody” diaper commercial – AWESOME. They were in diapers in front of a green screen! You All Every-Butties! I didn’t see the Golden Globes, but if they didn’t use that scene as the footage for the Best Drama reel, then I’m shocked. But Charlie’s brother’s heroin addiction was a little out of control. Oh, and the song that Charlie wrote and performed actually made my ears bleed and broke several glasses in my apartment. But it was kinda sweet to see that impact that Charlie’s mother had on him and how it related to his feelings for Claire’s baby. But the end fell kinda flat for me, mainly because we already knew that his brother leaves the band to clean himself up. But he sells the piano their mom gave him for Christmas?? What an asshole!

But man, that island story was pretty sweet. Charlie has vivid sleepwalking dreams chock full of weirdness, religious references, and a typical “Lost” “young-child-in-a-precarious-or-awful-and-dangerous-situation” moment with Claire’s baby stuck inside either a floating piano or a floating crib. That leads to the first of my favorite lines – when Charlie says, “Kate sees a horse, nothing. Everyone’s seen Walt wandering around the bloody jungle, but when it’s Charlie it must be the drugs.” He forgot about the monster that ate the pilot or the giant plume of black smoke that can read your mind.

Poor Charlie, no one believes him. Is the island in some way changing him? Is he possibly the first victim of “the sickness” Rousseau talked about? Who knows, but when Eko said the baby should be baptized, he just took that advice and ran with it full steam. He almost reminded me of Jack with his illogical go-getter attitude. I mean, burning down a section jungle (and Eko’s poor trees) just so he could take Claire’s baby and baptize/drown it - ballsy, Charlie. His rapid decline was nicely capitalized by a demoralizing, thunderous beat down in front of the whole camp by Locke. I would have liked to see Eko get in some licks for messing with his favorite trees, but then again, how much lower could poor Charlie get.

In other story news, Hurley’s kicking some game to Libby, which would be cute if I could ever get the nauseating thought of Hurley-Libby sex out of my head. Oh, and Libby asks about the new washing machines in the hatch (but no explanation).
Also, Jack and Ana Lucia seem to be heating up. And for about 10 seconds I actually liked Ana Lucia/Michelle Rodriguez when she asked Jack (re: Kate), “You hitting that?”

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 7.5
Island Story: 8
Overall: 15.5

"Lost" - The Hunting Party

2006-01-19T15:15:00.000-08:00

“The Hunting Party” – Jack Story: Overall, not a big fan. I mean, that woman, Gabriella, was smoking hot, but not enough to sustain my interest in the back story. We get it, Jack’s a good surgeon, he gets frustrated when he can’t save everyone, and he’s a lousy husband. I did like that fact that Jack was revered as somewhat of a miracle-worker – possible Jesus allusion?

What happened on the island was much more interesting. First, you get the return of M.C. Gainey as the leader of the Others sporting a ridiculously bad-ass beard. Then you get some actual banter with the Others about the island. Apparently there’s a “line in the sand” which Jack and company shouldn’t cross, after all, it’s not their island. But what made me crawl out of my skin was the fact that no one said, “Hey, keep your damn island. Let’s us get the f**k off! Can we borrow your boat and go back to our lives? It sucks here, and we would like nothing more then to leave and not be killed by you.” But alas, it’s “Lost”, so no such luck.

(Oh, and having someone shoot Sawyer but graze his ear as a warning?! Pretty ridiculous, but what IS funny is how many times Sawyer has been shot, stabbed, punched, and had bamboo shoots stuck up his finger nails. I’m surprised the guy is still breathing, let alone coming up with snappy nicknames.)

So, Jack’s pissed that Kate didn’t listen to him, blah blah, and Kate’s sorry but then sees Jack with Ana Lucia, blah blah. And how bout Jack asking Ana Lucia how long it would take to train an army? For some reason I don’t think Rose and Bernard are any match for some Others sharpshooter that could graze an ear in pitch blackness.

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 4
Island Story: 6
Overall: 10

Hot Links!

2005-08-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

Check out these European car commericials that shit on anything we have in the US -each one should be watched a few times:

Volkswagen Golf Commercial

Audi Commercial

R.I.P. Nate Fisher

2005-08-02T13:57:00.000-07:00

Today is a sad day. It’s sad because last Sunday night Nate Fisher (remarkable played by Peter Krause), of Six Feet Under, died from a brain hemorrhage. I have to admit that it’s quite rare for me to have such a strong emotional attachment to a television character, but I guess that a testament to a phenomenal series. I’ve spent the past five years watching every episode of Six Feet Under every time a new one was on. Sure, like any show, it’s had it’s moments of absurdity (in fact this season’s odd puppet farm dream sequence was up there), but never has a show captured the reality of dialogue and ranges of human emotion like Six Feet Under.

One of the most real and emotional characters was Nate Fisher – a character that ran the gamut of pain and anguish. In the first episode, he was flying to LA from Seattle for Christmas to be with his semi-estranged family. And after banging the woman he met on the plane in an airport janitor’s closet (which totally solidified his awesomeness to me from the opening moments of the series), he gets a call on his cell phone that his father was just killed in a car accident. At that moment, his life is turned upside down. He’s forced to leave everything he had in Seattle behind him and do the one thing he had vowed never to do in his life – become an undertaker at his father’s funeral home.

Thus began the tumultuous life of Nate Fisher. He started off having a dysfunctional relationship with Brenda, the woman from the airport. I remember Brenda said to Nate that since she was with him when he found out about his father’s death, that they have a bond – she was with him at his most vulnerable. (It just so happens that in last night’s episode, Claire is on a first date with Ted when she finds out Nate’s in the hospital, and he’s there to support her in her most vulnerable moment, thus strengthening their relationship). Little did we know that Brenda had her own major issues to deal with, like her sex addiction and her psychotic and possessive brother, Billy.

But Nate tried hard to “settle down” with Brenda. He tried to live the life he had always aspired NOT to lead – working for Fisher & Sons while having a steady monogamous relationship. Then, out of the blue, Nate finds out he has AVM (blood hemorrhage in the brain). This devastatingly tragic news ends up bringing the divided Fisher family closer together. At the same time, Nate finds solace in an old occasional “fuck buddy”, Lisa. At a time when he’s most vulnerable, Lisa consoles him and they sleep together. A few months later, Nate sees Lisa living in Los Angeles, and she drops the news that she’s pregnant with his baby. Nate, however, is now engaged to Brenda, and admits his infidelity to Brenda. The two end up splitting up.

Nate’s AVM surgery and subsequent recovery gave him a new lease on life. In the opening of Season 3, we weren’t quite sure how the surgery was going to turn out – and we got our first glimpse of a “Nate Fisher” death title card. However, that was just a hoax, and Nate pulled through the surgery, and ended up marrying Lisa so the two could raise their infant daughter, Maya. But as much as Nate tried to reciprocate Lisa’s feelings for him, he couldn’t – because he’s Nate, and to him the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

But in the vain of the series, another horrible tragedy befalls Nate Fisher – his wife Lisa is missing and presumed dead. This sends Nate into an unbelievable spiral of self-destruction. I have no idea how Peter Krause didn’t win an Emmy for this season, because the image of him beat up (after instigating, and losing, a bar fight) and driving with the ghost of his dead father in the car will stay with me forever. He ends up on Brenda’s doorstep beaten, bloody, and crazy – but she takes him in and they start their new life together.

After a season of trying to distance himself from death and grief by leaving the funeral business, Nate is forced back to the business after David’s carjacking (The “David’s Carjacking” episode is one of the best hours of television ever made – I have never been more scared and at the edge of my seat for the whole hour than I was watching that episode. But I digress, after all, this is about Nate.). After witnessing the suicide of Lisa’s brother-in-law/ex-lover/possible father of Nate’s child, Nate decides to marry Brenda and have a baby.

Which brings us to this current season. Nate and Brenda bring their dysfunctional relationship to the next level and get married. In typical morbid Six Feet fashion, Brenda is forced to go through her wedding day while miscarrying her first child. But Nate’s powerful seed impregnates her again, but eventually Nate realizes that he’s at a point in his life where he’s sick of all the fighting and drama the years spent with Brenda have created. Nate finally seems at peace when he sleeps with Maggie, the Quaker daughter of Ruth’s insane 2nd husband George.

And then his arm goes numb. “Numb arm, numb arm,” is another moment I won’t soon forget. Nate says it himself when he’s recovering from surgery that “when you’re making love to somebody and your head explodes, it’s usually a good sign.” Then Nate decides to tell Brenda that it’s over between them. That night, he dies.

So with only three episodes left in the series, and next week’s being Nate’s funeral, where will the creator, Alan Ball, leave his beloved characters? What kind of closure can we expect the have with the various storylines that have been a part of my life for the past five years? Will David and Rico become even partners of Fisher and Diaz? Will Vanessa ever forgive Rico? Will I ever care that David and Keith adopted Anthony and Durrell? Will Brenda raise Maya and her new baby girl, or will she let someone like Ruth or David and Keith raise Maya?

Much like how the Pilot episode of Six Feet was one of the best pilots I have seen, I can only expect the finale to be another installment of perfect one-hour television drama. I’m not sure what will fill the void left by a lack of Six Feet Under, but I thank the creators of the Fisher family for entertaining me for the past five years.

Emmy Nominations Are Out.

2005-07-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of year again. Time to honor the great makers of television in one exorbitant gala designed to show the magic of Hollywood while generating huge ratings for CBS for three hours.

This year’s Emmy Awards comes off the heels of the first television season that was without The Sopranos, Sex and the City, Frasier, or Friends. With those shows gone, perhaps some of the other shows that have been living in their shadow in the past will finally get their chance to shine.

Or Desperate Housewives will win everything (which is more likely the case).

Either way, here are some interesting aspects of this year’s nominees:

Glenn Close was nominated for Outstanding Lead Actress for her unbelievably ass-kicking performance on “The Shield.”
Quentin Tarantino was nominated for directing CSI a episode. In the episode he actually ripped off one of his own movies for a change “Kill Bill 2” by having a character be buried alive.
HBO still dominated all categories with 93 nominations.
“Lost”, the best new show on TV, is nominated for Best Drama.
“The 4400” gets nominated for Outstanding Miniseries – not the best characters, but the idea is awesome.
“Star Wars Clone Wars Pt 2” got the nod for Outstanding Animated Program – if you haven’t seen this yet, check them out here.
“Scrubs” finally got the nod for Outstanding Comedy Series – well deserved.
Zach Braff and Jason Bateman got Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy nods.
The “Scrubs” episode where they did a joke about being in a multi-camera sitcom was nominated for multi-camera editing.
“Desperate Housewives” was nominated for Best Main Titles, which is the one part of that show I actually enjoy.
Three episodes of “Arrested Development” were nominated for writing. The other two nominated were the “Everybody Loves Raymond” finale and the “Desperate Housewives” pilot. It’d bet the farm on Marc Cherry taking home that statue.
Neither Michael Chiklis nor anyone from “Lost” got a Lead Actor nod (but Sayid and Locke are nominated for supporting actor – SAWEET!)
Three desperate housewives nominated for comedy actress – but none are actually funny.
Ian McShane get the nod for “Deadwood” – the scene where his passes the kidney stone should lock that up for him.
Jeremy Piven get the supporting actor nod for “Entourage” – the Emmy print out with all the nominations lists him being nominated for the role of Ari Jacobs, but he plays Ari Gold. Interesting note: Ari Jacobs happens to be the Art Dept. Coordinator on “The Bernie Mac Show,” which is why this is only interesting to me.
Ray Liotta is nominated for his ER guest appearance – must be cool to work for a few days, hit a small role out of the park, and get an Emmy for it.

So tune in Sunday , September 18 to see just how many times Hollywood can award “Desperate Housewives” for it’s mediocre, pseudo-satire, soap-operatic bullshit.

The One Good Thing About "Fantastic Four"

2005-07-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

Last week I had the displeasure of having to endure the agonizing 106 minutes of Hollywood’s latest pile of comic book vomit. I knew going into “Fantastic Four” that it was going to suck, but I managed to go to a free screening in Westwood, so at least I didn’t spend any money on it, nor will my personal viewing of the film benefit the studio in any monetary way.

Well, I could go on and on about how much the dialogue in the movie was annoyingly horrendous (eg. “Ah Reed (aka Mr. Fantastic), always stretching yourself too thin – reaching for the stars), or I could talk about how I have never experienced the kind of marketing blanket bombing as I have for this movie. It got to the point where I was literally brainwashed into seeing it because I couldn’t walk/drive/sit/see/or listen to anything anywhere without the Fantastic Four being involved (like the commercials that aired constantly during the NBA Finals?!). But instead I want to talk about the one piece of “fantastic” news that came out this weekend. The $56 million dollar opening weekend FINALLY put an end to one of the worst droughts in recorded history.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How could some shitty movie making a lot of money actually end the drought in Africa? Didn’t that big Live 8 concert already end drought, poverty and AIDS? I mean, Good Charlotte DID play a concert in Berlin, and the veejays said after they played “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” that poverty and AIDS were over. Well, you people obviously don’t know what the most serious drought of all is – the Hollywood Box Office Drought!

For the past 16 weeks, every Monday when I read the news, I have been constantly reminded of how the movie box office receipts of 2005 are not more than they were last year. Every Monday I am forced to read about how movies like “Coach Carter” and “White Noise” aren’t making as much money as that little movie that was out in Jan. of 2004 – what was it called?... Oh yeah, LORD OF THE FUCKING RINGS! And in March of 2005, “Guess Who” and “Beauty Shop” simply couldn’t match the money generated by 2004 Easter weekend anti-Semitic bombshell, “The Passion of the Christ.” And in May 2005, although “Madagascar” offered kids a welcome mediocre departure from flawless Pixar films, is it too much to ask that it makes more money then 2004’s May hit…SHREK 2 (which happens to be the #3 biggest domestic hit of all time)!

Ok, so last year was a pretty good year for movies. I went to see a lot of them, and I enjoyed a large number of the ones I saw. This year, I’ve seen THREE movies that I thought were great – “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”, “Murderball” and “Sin City,” and TWO movies that I thought were decent: “Batman Begins” and “Layer Cake.” Honorable mentions go to “Kingdom of Heaven” and “Cinderella Man,” good movies, but they didn’t quite stay with me after I left the theater.

However, I have wanted to burn out my eyeballs a number of times this year after sitting through various cinematic abortions. Among them are: “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith,” “Kicking and Screaming,” “Crash” (yes, I hated Crash), and “Fever Pitch.” I know that this year we were treated to not one but TWO Ice Cube movies (“Are We There Yet?” and “XXX: State of the Union”) but although I didn’t see either, I can only assume that they both suck monkey taint.

So, is it really a mystery as to why there’s been a box office drought? And why is it such public news? How does rich studio executives making more or less money for their respective studios have any bearing on the existence of anybody in the country outside of Los Angeles? And isn’t the reason they’re making less money because they’re making SHITTY-ASS MOVIES?!

They act as if it’s some enigma, some Da Vinci-esque code that they have to crack as to what the public wants and will pay through the nose to see. And when they don’t manage to top the year before, it’s some national emergency. Like it’s a bad thing that the viewing public has wised up and will stop seeing as many bad movies as the studio can crank out in a calendar year.

Enter the “Fantastic Four”. This wretched movie finally allowed the studio execs. in Hollywood to climax. Not because they produced a GREAT comic book movie franchise like Spiderman or X-Men, but because they made a sub-par by all critical standards (check out their tomatometer rating here) flashy Hollywood turd that puts people in the seats. Why couldn’t an actual decent movie have done that?

Since there will apparently be no decent movies coming this year until “King Kong” arrives in December, I’d like to thank “Fantastic Four” for finally putting an end (for the time being) to pointless articles about the Box Office Slump. It warms my heart to know that soulless studio executives, who would probably sacrifice their first born if it meant adding $10 mil to opening weekend, can finally rest easily at night knowing that their stockholders won’t sell their shares. Their bottom line is safe for now, and with Michael Bay’s “The Island” coming out soon, rest assure we’ll all share in the studio’s enjoyment of making money no real human will ever see.

KONG TRAILER DROPS!

2005-06-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

I may be a little late on this, but it STILL made me pop, like, 15 boners!

Click here for the best movie of 2005!

“Lost” Finale – What Is The Black Smoke?

2005-05-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of year, again. America’s chosen their “Idol”, Tom the fireman won “Survivor”, and we finally got to see what really happened to Mary-Alice (BTW – just read that the actor who plays George is being bumped to a series regular next season – I’m super-psyched about that one!) It really pains me to know that last night’s finale of "Lost" marked the end of any good TV until September. That’s four months of nothing to watch but Big Brother six nights a week and some achingly horrendous version of “The Simple Life”. Well I suppose we can spend the summer being productive, reading more books, spending time outside, take a vacation – but we all know that every night we’re going to be watching repeats of a mediocre season of “The O.C.” and flying through Netflix.

Well, at least "Lost" gave us a lot to think about over the summer months. Here are some random thoughts on the finale and questions I have for next season:

The images below are frames from the pilot episode of "Lost". You can distinctly see the black smoke flying past the engine of the plane right before it explodes.

You can see the whole sequence here.

These images are from last night's finale.

Black smoke, the Black Rock, the Dark Territory – is this show racist or what?

I really like the conversation that Hurley had with expendable Science teacher, especially when they started taking about Steve/Scott. You know that the writers are just dying to put in a Steve/Scott reference whenever they can. I also like how science teacher was bitching about the “popular” members of the crash, and how there’s 40 other people on the island, too. One good thing that came out of science teacher blowing up was he took Kate’s shirt with him, leaving her in a tank top for the rest of the time there – nice move, science guy.

The Monster/Island Security System: So, what the hell is this thing? First we can see the black smoke apparently causing the plane engine to explode in the pilot. Then there's the poor pilot who was “eaten” by something. Let’s not forget the polar bears. And now we can see that the “security system” is partly invisible, can shatter trees, may come out of holes in the ground, and sounds mechanical. Maybe I’m siding with the non-believer-Jack side of things, but I really hope there’s an explanation for the monster that’s not “the island made it” or “it’s the essence of the island”. And I hope they show us a part of it next season – maybe a tentacle or some glowing red eyes or something. The CGI already looks pretty crappy, so let get cracking on that stuff now.

Walt – Well, it seems like the island people finally got it right when they took Walt. Which makes me think, did they think that Claire’s baby was supposed to be they boy they were looking for? I mean, the kid was an unborn fetus, and there’s a ten-year-old boy running around causing polar bears to pop up. Do “the Others” (as Rousseau calls them) just need any kid, or is Walt the key to everything. Remember in Walt’s episode when his adopted father told Michael that there’s something “special” about him. And didn’t a bird die or something? Anyway, I know it’s easy for viewers to say, “Walt’s psychic, it’s so obvious” – especially after he told Locke not to open the hatch, but I have faith that the writers wouldn’t have something so obvious be the answer.

Also, if Rousseau wanted the baby, and she was scratched by Claire, then what was Ethan’s relationship to her? Was Ethan with Rousseau, or the Others – or both? Did Rousseau take Claire from Ethan, and she escaped from her? Did Rousseau or The Others recognize Charlie from Driveshaft, and that's why Ethan hung him?

The Others – It’s good to see some fresh faces on “Lost”. Especially M.C. Gainey as the apparent leader of the Others. You may remember M.C. Gainey from such roles as the pilot in “Con Air”, or more recently as the naked guy running down the street in “Sideways”. Anyway, he kicks ass, so I’m hoping we see more of him next season.

There’s been talk of another group of “others”, but not bad guys. It’s the people that were in the tail of the plane, Michelle Rodriguez and company. Rumor has it that Michael, Jin, and Sawyer may wash up on another side of the island where the tail people have been surviving. This isn’t such a bad idea, but I spent a season really getting into these characters, it’d be better if they spent more time dealing with adversaries rather than more survivors. Plus, Michelle Rodriguez isn’t as hot as Shannon (when she’s not brooding and miserable) or a non-pregnant Claire. Also, Kate’s hotter than all of them put together.

You All Everybody! - It’s good to see Charlie almost back on the black tar. I honestly doubt Jack has the kind of medication that eases the pain of having gunpowder blown up in an open gash on your face.

“The numbers are bad!” – Damn right they are. I really liked when Hurley discovered them on the Hatch. So the hatch is just a long tunnel, but where does it lead? I kinda thought that aspect of the Finale was a little anti-climactic. Is that tunnel what Locke saw when the light went on after Boone died? Did Locke see anything when the light went on? Can Hurley fit down the tunnel?

Well, any show that has this many open-ended questions at the end of season 1 is a winner in my book. Let me know if I’m missing anything. Until September…..

E! "Wild" Over Town Whore

2005-05-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

What I don't understand is that half the job of the host is to narrate. That means using your voice. Tara Reid consistently sounds like she smoked 8 packs of Kools and washed them down by gargling bleach.

Those Underpants Hate Our Freedom

2005-05-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

Here at "Gotta Have My Pops...Blog" we never pass up the chance to show a humiliating photo of a former dictator. And that's our promise to YOU!

Links O’ The Day: 5-19-05

2005-05-19T17:38:00.000-07:00

New Article on the MTV Show "Trippin" from The Best Page In The Universe

...It's been a slow day... and I'm just killing time before "The O.C." finale.

A "Star Wars" Experience

2005-05-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

So I went to see Star Wars last night with my roommate. I had originally gotten tickets for Saturday, but I’ll be at Weenie Roast on Saturday, so I had to see it beforehand. Anyway, the screening was at The Grove, which I wasn’t too psyched about considering that the Arclight has assigned seats, and The Grove has this fake-retro-cheesiness about it. Also, I knew the crowd at the Grove was going to be lame rich professionals, and the Arclight was going to be full of dressed-up Star Wars freaks (And I was right about the Arclight, check these photos out). But I figured, what the hell. It’s opening night of the last Star Wars movie ever (I hope), so I don’t mind waiting in a line.

Turns out that going to The Grove and waiting in this fairly large line was a blessing in disguise. That’s because about ten minutes before being let into the theater, a man came up to the people in front of us and offered to buy their tickets for $500. Only in Hollywood, right? But the best part was that I almost immediately recognized him as Rick Salomon. Yes, the same Rick Salomon that showed the entire world his home videos of him fucking Paris Hilton. For those of you who haven’t seen the whole movie of “One Night In Paris,” I highly recommend it (especially for the color scenes).

So Rick Salomon is trying to throw around his wad of cash to anyone who will bite. Personally I think the fact that it was Rick Salomon was a good enough story, so I didn’t feel the need to forgo my Star Wars experience. But here’s what was weird. He was with none other than Spiderman himself Tobey Maguire. Now, Rick Salomon is a dreg of society, a bottom-feeder whose apparent wealth came from exploiting the fame of his hot ex-girl friend (not that there’s anything wrong with that). But Tobey? He’s a Hollywood A-Lister. He makes double digit millions per movie – what the hell is he doing looking for scalped Star Wars tickets with Rick Salomon?

Well, my roommate told me this morning that apparently Tobey and Rick are neighbors and have been friends for a while. But wouldn’t you think that someone like Toby McGuire would be able to go to any one of the advance screenings that only super-cool celebs get invited to – I bet Paris went to one.

So after making everyone around us aware that “that guy” was the one from the Paris Hilton porno, we walked into the theater. Good ole Rick was right behind me walking towards Tobey at the ticket stand (I guess he was hoping Tobey could work some magic). And whatever happened worked because I saw Rick again at the concession stand. He offered me $200 for my popcorn and soda.

Cletus and Brandine in "Chaotic"

2005-05-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

I tried to watch "Chaotic" last night, but three minutes into I started to get really nauseous. I don't know if was the jarring handi-cam movements, the sound of Britney saying "Ya'll" 500 times, or having to look at Britney's un-make-up'd face from about 3 inches away. Most likely it was a combination of all three. I thought this was going to be another "Newlyweds"-type thing - you know, where boring, attractive celebrities entertain us by watering the lawn and watch TV. I wasn't prepared for the first-person point of view, which made me feel really bad for the poor editor of this train-wreck.

But I'm sure the ratings were through the roof, so it's good to see Britney actually succeed at something for a change.

Check out this funny Flash video about Britney and K-Fed called "Preggers: The Life of Britney Spears"

Bill Simmons is BACK!

2005-05-17T00:29:00.000-07:00

After taking a couple weeks off so his wife could birth a child, ESPN writer Bill Simmons is finally back entertaining the masses. His new article on "Survivor" is hilarious. Check it out, and then read everything else the man has written.

The Sport's Guy's World main page.

Links O’ The Day: 5-16-05

2005-05-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

Nicotine Vaccine in the Works

Dominant Tom Wins One of the Best "Survivor" Seasons

"Apprentice" Winners Work Full-Time Massaging Trump’s Ego

“Bernie Mac”, “Arrested Development” Renewed for Next Season

NBC Announces Fall Schedule (and “Scrubs” isn’t on it, yet)

New Cancer Drug Yields Amazing Results

UPDATE - Chappelle Talks to Time Magazine

2005-05-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

The Drudge Report has just posted that Dave Chappelle granted an exclusive interview with Time Magazine:

**Exclusive**
Dave Chappelle Found! Talks Exclusively with TIME Magazine in South Africa.
"I figured, Let me just cut myself off from everybody, take a minute and pull a Flintstone-stop a speeding car by using my feet as the brakes. I am surprised at what I would do for $50 million. I am surprised at what people around me would do for me to have $50 million," Dave Chappelle tells TIME's Christopher John Farley in an exclusive interview. The full story, as well as exclusive photos of Chappelle in South Africa, will appear on TIME.com Sunday morning and in the issue that hits newsstands Monday...

Come back tomorrow for more updates.

“Kicking and Screaming” – A Real Kick in the Crotch

2005-05-13T18:01:00.000-07:00

Last night I was fortunate enough to be invited to a free screening of the new Will Ferrell comedy “Kicking and Screaming”. Unfortunately, the best part about the movie was the fact that it was free.

**SPOLIERS**

The plot boils down to a simple story about Phil Weston (Ferrell) in a lifelong battle to live up to the lofty expectations of his father Buck, played by Robert Duvall. Buck is some sort of oddly-obsessive soccer fan, and Phil simply wasn’t the star athlete his father hoped he would be. Flash forward to the present where both Phil and Buck have pre-adolescent kids who play soccer (Duvall married a trophy at the same time Ferrell did, and both boys were born on the same day - Funny idea, but they don’t pay this off in any comedic way). Of course it’s no shocking revelation that Phil’s kid sucks at soccer, and Buck’s son is the star of the team.

Eventually Buck trades his own grandson to another soccer team because he stinks, and Phil decides to coach that team of losers. Phil employs the help of Buck feuding neighbor, Mike Ditka, to help coach the team. Then the writers apply the old classic formula: the loser kids start to win, blah blah, Ferrell becomes an pussy-turned-obsessive coach, blah blah, they make it to the championship game against his father, blah blah, at halftime Phil does a complete 180 and realizes the game is supposed to be fun… and in a startling revelation, the losers kids win the game.

What I didn’t like about this movie was practically everything. I guess Robert Duvall was trying to take a cue from Deniro and be a comedy guy, but he failed miserably. In fact, the saddest thing was that Mike Ditka was funnier than he was – and a better actor! Also I was expecting from the previews that the story would revolved around Will Ferrell being this crazy-obsessed soccer coach Dad, but in actuality he doesn’t become that persona until the end of the movie – and the only reason he does is because he’s drinking too much coffee. Yeah, that’s right…coffee. Of course he had his moments, just because he’s Will Ferrell, but his character was such a pushover wuss that I spent the whole movie waiting for him to become this crazy guy, which he only became for five minutes.

Another unfortunate part of the movie was that the kids were terrible. I know, how can I criticize kid actors? Well, they sucked really bad. No kid was funny, and the main boy (Phil’s son) couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bag. And two of the kids didn’t speak English, which is always a recipe for comedy. Oh, and one kid ate a worm a couple times.

I think it’s time for Will Ferrell to start choosing his projects more carefully. You’re the “It” funny guy, Will. We get it. That shouldn’t mean you have to take every crappy script that gives you a leading part. However, I AM counting the days until that juicy turd “Bewitched” drops this summer.

Just so you remember that Will Ferrell IS funny, check out the classic “Cowbell” SNL sketch.

Links O’ The Day: 5-13-05

2005-05-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

12-year-old Maryland Girl Hasn't Aged

"Arrested Development" Saved From Extinction?!

SomethingAwful.com's Photoshop Phriday - Ill-Conceived Toys

Secret of the Wendy's Chili Finger Solved

Caleb Nichol – Last Will and Testament

2005-05-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

By reading this, the Last Will and Testament of Caleb Nichol, it means that I have died, and it is time to divvy up my vast fortune to all of my loved ones. Even though a year ago I confided to Sanford that I was broke and desperately needed the Coastline land deal to go through (which was inevitably ruined by Sandy), I have since recovered my wealth and am now richer than ever.

At least, I WAS richer, for now I am dead. Hopefully I died in some dignified and manly way, but nevertheless, it’s time to show how much love I have for the members of my family by ranking them in dollar amounts.

First, to my beloved Kiki. You were always my favorite and only planned daughter. You were the apple of my eye, so I leave to you full ownership of the Newport Group. I know you’ll run it better than I did, since I just played computer Solitaire all day and got blow jobs from my secretary. I’m sorry we’ve had our differences over the years. And I’m really sorry about those games of “Don’t Tell Mommy” we had when you were little. Thanks for repressing those memories, Kiki.

To my son-in-law Sanford, the Jew. I appreciate all you’ve done for me, getting me out of my legal “boo boos”, fathering my only grandson and subsequently turning him into a pussy, but mostly for making my daughter so happy for all these years. You’re one of the good ones, Sandy, so I leave to you access to my off-shore Cayman Island bank accounts, the contents of which can only be obtained through sketchy and illegal channels. You see, even from beyond the grave I can get the righteous Sandy Cohen to come down to my level.

To my gay grandson, Seth. I know you’re not gay, and I was very pleased to see you actually dating girls in the past few years. Hot ones, too. However, I had always hoped you’d be an athlete rather than a sheltered comic book geek, but I blame your father for that. I still have hope that you will some day turn into a strong Nichol, rather than the neurotic Cohen you seem to be. This is why I’ve left instruction for my testicles to be removed, bronzed, and placed in your room. Let my strong balls be there for you in situations where you don’t have a pair of your own.

To my sweet Ju Ju. I hope to God that our divorce was finalized before my demise. But if not, then I leave to you the house and ten million dollars. I hope you use the money to buy your lesbian daughter some acting lessons, and to help that other daughter of yours (whose name escapes me) do whatever the hell it is she does all year. Lord knows your deadbeat ex-husband can’t provide for your kids. Even though you had two affairs while we were dating/married, I really appreciated you letting me give you anal after I confronted you about them. You’re given me the best sex I’ve had all year, so congrats on hitting the jackpot.

To my illegitimate daughter, Lindsay. You were there for me when I had my heart attack, and for that I will always be grateful. But during that time, I realized that you weren’t very interesting, and I really could care less about your relationship with Ryan. And your Mom was pretty ugly to boot, and I have to admit I was quite drunk at the time you were conceived. However, I supported you for all those years, so why stop now. Lindsay, I’m leaving you five million dollars. Use that money for clarinet lessons, or math, or whatever the hell floats your boat.

To my other daughter, Haley. You were always super hot, but kind of boring, so I understand why you haven’t been around much. To you I leave $50,000 and some coupons I clipped for $5 off some meals at Red Lobster. I’m confident your hotness will lead to rich men other than myself taking care of you.

To Ryan Atwood. Yes, Ryan, I have something for you, too. What I’m leaving for you is knowledge. Yes, the knowledge that my detectives have found out that your friend Theresa never miscarried your child. Your son is alive and well, and he’s living with his mom in that hellhole of Chino. Ha ha. I ruined your life. Now get the hell out of my daughter’s house.

It’s been a fun ride. I’ll see you all in hell.

-Caleb Nichol

My Take on the Dave Chappelle Situation

2005-05-13T11:12:00.000-07:00

It wouldn’t be Hollywood if there wasn’t speculation as the why one of its beloved celebrities has gone off the grid. In the case of Dave Chappelle, who recently entered a rehab facility in South Africa, gossip columnists are saying all sorts of things regarding why he chose to leave his show and admit himself. Drugs, otherwise known by the Hollywood euphemisms “exhaustion” and “dehydration”, seems like the most obvious go-to reason for his rehab stint. But following Chappelle over the years I’ve learned that according to him, he doesn’t do drugs (regardless of his “Half-Baked” persona). In fact, Chappelle’s own publicist, Matt Labov, has come out and said, “He's not in rehab. He does not have a cocaine addiction.”

So, what factors led to this incident? Well, 2004 was a good year for Dave. Chappelle’s Show had a strong debut on Comedy Central, and production on Season 2 began in the fall. However, everything changed when Season 1 was released on DVD. In October 2004, Chappelle’s Show Season One shattered DVD sales records. It passed Season 1 of the Simpsons by selling over 2 million units. All of a sudden Comedy Central realized that they had access to the biggest money-maker for their network since Trey and Matt.

So what does a good network do? They throw $50 million at Chappelle for two more seasons of the show. Broken down, that’s $25 million per season, and since there are only ten episodes per season, that’s $2.5 million per episode. Ray Romano, the highest paid actor on television, makes $1.9 million per episode (but he make 22 episodes per season). So basically overnight, Dave Chappelle rocketed to super-stardom.

All of a sudden, the 30-year-old Chappelle became the $50 million dollar man. When people hear that number, their perception of you changes. I’m sure that everyone six-degrees away from Chappelle was calling him looking to get a piece of that $50 million pie. While, in my opinion, I think Chappelle is worth it, a number like that ends up putting a tremendous amount of pressure on a person. And in Chappelle’s case, I think that pressure drove him to a nervous breakdown.

Not everyone’s cut out for fame. Imagine yourself in Chappelle’s shoes, walking down the street with all your fans and admirers screaming, “I’m Rick James, Bitch!” Sure, it’s good to be loved, but that kind of notoriety messes with your head. Suddenly the drive to just fool around and make a comedy show turns into obsessive quest for each show to top the previous one. Season 3 will have to compete with the phenomenon of the Rick James and Prince sketches. Every sketch has to be gold, otherwise the fans might turn on him.

My personal feeling is that Dave Chappelle is the kind of person that would have been perfectly content with simply doing stand-up his whole life. He loved to entertain people and make them laugh, but fame and stardom were never in his ultimate agenda. When he started doing Chappelle’s Show, he found a new outlet for his comedy that was able to reach an audience far beyond his regular fan base. As is the case with television, his fan base grew exponentially. All of a sudden, Chappelle moved from making an audience in a theater laugh to making millions of people around the world laugh.

So my point (yes, there’s a point) is that Dave had a mental breakdown. He was smart to go to South Africa to avoid the blood-thirsty American media and paparazzi. It shows his dedication to getting better, unlike the common week-long stints at Promises in Malibu that celebrities take to “get better” while playing golf and getting massages. Chappelle has a family that he cares about very much, and I think he desperately wants to get back into a healthy state-of-mind for the sake of his family. If that means putting his show on hiatus, so be it. To Chappelle, it was never about the money.

Get well soon, Dave.

Links O’ The Day: 5-12-05

2005-05-12T16:03:00.000-07:00

Patriots sign LB Chad Brown

Dave Chappelle Checks Into South African Rehab Clinic

Kick Ass International "Batman Begins" Trailer

Adrianna Lima Nip Slip

Links O’ The Day: 5-11-05

2005-05-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

Ice Cream Man Beats Up Fat Kid

Funny Beer Commercial

Anna Nicole Smith Really IS A Crazy Coke-Whore

This Week’s Onion Headlines

“Carnivale” Finally Put Out Of It’s Misery

Lohan’s Boobs Deflate

The Origin of “Pops”

2005-05-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

I had only been at Syracuse University a few weeks into my freshman year, so some friends and I were looking for something to do. I was in touch with a friend of mine from camp because he lived in Syracuse. He told me that he worked at the New York State Fair that was held in Syracuse every year. He said that if I wanted, me and some friends could come down to the fair and he would sneak us free beers and food because he worked at one of the concession stands.

Well, this sounded like a good idea to me and my fellow broke college compadres. So I threw out the idea and gathered a crew together. It consisted of me, my roommate and a few other friends form the floor. So on one of the nights of the Fair (it’s a week and a half long event), we caught a cab and headed off. Now I only knew the name of the place where my camp friend worked (it was Gianelli’s), but I had no idea where it was at the fair. When we got there, we realized that the NYS Fair was just about the biggest event of the year for New York State (especially upstate), so the shear size of the grounds was overwhelming.

Needless to say, none of us had any idea where we were walking to, but we got a good dose of pure upstate NY culture just by watching some of the people the frequented this fair – most of whom were drinking those long yard glass of beer. I was determined to get everyone to the free food and beer, so I took control and began leading everyone around. On our quest to find Gianelli’s, we ended up seeing a weak carnival freakshow and a spectacular display of sculptures made out of butter. At some point, everyone was kinda pissy about finding this place, so they started asking me, “Where to next, Dad? Where we going now, Pops?” At the time I didn’t think anything of it. But the longer I took to find my friend, the more my other friends kept calling me “Pops”.

Eventually we came upon the great site that is Gianelli’s, and my camp friend delivered on his promise to give us free food and beer. Overall, it was an interesting night, not the best we had that year, or even that semester. But when I got back to school, and we told people of the story, the name “Pops” kept ringing over and over. Eventually, everyone on the trip called me Pops, which meant that everyone on the floor (Flint 2A) kept calling me that. At some point soon after that, I remember walking on the quad and having someone who I’ve never met yell across, “Hey Pops!” I guess that’s when I knew that “Pops” wasn’t some flash-in-the-pan nickname, but it was here to stay. I guess it was the timing that made it stick – the fact that it was early freshman year, and everyone was overly-friendly and trying to remember everyone’s name. I guess it was just easier for everyone to remember “Pops.”

Over the years, I’ve been asked to recount this story so many times that it doesn’t seem like it happened so many years ago. So now that this lackluster tale is in print for all to see, you can all stop f@!&ing asking me how I got the name Pops.

A General Warning

2005-05-10T19:33:00.000-07:00

WARNING: The following blog contains the inner-most thoughts, feelings, and often harsh opinions of Pops, the least-hard working man in show business. Though he may seem like a mild-mannered twenty-something living the proverbial “dream” in Hollywood, CA, in actuality he is a tightly-wound bundle of neuroses - a veritable “ball of crazy” ready to unleash at a moments notice the true views of the world as he sees fit. This blog is not for the squeamish. Nor it is for the easily-offended, the Christian Right, Neo-conservatives, Soccer Moms and/or NASCAR Dads, the Liberal Media, Scientologists, or the elderly. Truth be told, the contents of this blog will probably be of little interest to anyone opposed to the general opinions expressed by Pops (or as he calls them, “facts”). So enjoy the time you spend here since it’s probably more important than any other job or task that you’re supposed to be doing right now… but don’t say you weren’t warned.