Caleb Nichol – Last Will and Testament
By reading this, the Last Will and Testament of Caleb Nichol, it means that I have died, and it is time to divvy up my vast fortune to all of my loved ones. Even though a year ago I confided to Sanford that I was broke and desperately needed the Coastline land deal to go through (which was inevitably ruined by Sandy), I have since recovered my wealth and am now richer than ever.
At least, I WAS richer, for now I am dead. Hopefully I died in some dignified and manly way, but nevertheless, it’s time to show how much love I have for the members of my family by ranking them in dollar amounts.
First, to my beloved Kiki. You were always my favorite and only planned daughter. You were the apple of my eye, so I leave to you full ownership of the Newport Group. I know you’ll run it better than I did, since I just played computer Solitaire all day and got blow jobs from my secretary. I’m sorry we’ve had our differences over the years. And I’m really sorry about those games of “Don’t Tell Mommy” we had when you were little. Thanks for repressing those memories, Kiki.
To my son-in-law Sanford, the Jew. I appreciate all you’ve done for me, getting me out of my legal “boo boos”, fathering my only grandson and subsequently turning him into a pussy, but mostly for making my daughter so happy for all these years. You’re one of the good ones, Sandy, so I leave to you access to my off-shore Cayman Island bank accounts, the contents of which can only be obtained through sketchy and illegal channels. You see, even from beyond the grave I can get the righteous Sandy Cohen to come down to my level.
To my gay grandson, Seth. I know you’re not gay, and I was very pleased to see you actually dating girls in the past few years. Hot ones, too. However, I had always hoped you’d be an athlete rather than a sheltered comic book geek, but I blame your father for that. I still have hope that you will some day turn into a strong Nichol, rather than the neurotic Cohen you seem to be. This is why I’ve left instruction for my testicles to be removed, bronzed, and placed in your room. Let my strong balls be there for you in situations where you don’t have a pair of your own.
To my sweet Ju Ju. I hope to God that our divorce was finalized before my demise. But if not, then I leave to you the house and ten million dollars. I hope you use the money to buy your lesbian daughter some acting lessons, and to help that other daughter of yours (whose name escapes me) do whatever the hell it is she does all year. Lord knows your deadbeat ex-husband can’t provide for your kids. Even though you had two affairs while we were dating/married, I really appreciated you letting me give you anal after I confronted you about them. You’re given me the best sex I’ve had all year, so congrats on hitting the jackpot.
To my illegitimate daughter, Lindsay. You were there for me when I had my heart attack, and for that I will always be grateful. But during that time, I realized that you weren’t very interesting, and I really could care less about your relationship with Ryan. And your Mom was pretty ugly to boot, and I have to admit I was quite drunk at the time you were conceived. However, I supported you for all those years, so why stop now. Lindsay, I’m leaving you five million dollars. Use that money for clarinet lessons, or math, or whatever the hell floats your boat.
To my other daughter, Haley. You were always super hot, but kind of boring, so I understand why you haven’t been around much. To you I leave $50,000 and some coupons I clipped for $5 off some meals at Red Lobster. I’m confident your hotness will lead to rich men other than myself taking care of you.
To Ryan Atwood. Yes, Ryan, I have something for you, too. What I’m leaving for you is knowledge. Yes, the knowledge that my detectives have found out that your friend Theresa never miscarried your child. Your son is alive and well, and he’s living with his mom in that hellhole of Chino. Ha ha. I ruined your life. Now get the hell out of my daughter’s house.
It’s been a fun ride. I’ll see you all in hell.