Thursday, January 03, 2008

Look at this beautiful handbag!

For a little extra, you can get the strap studded with conflict diamonds!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

“Lost” – Stranger in a Strange Land

Dear Lost,

Have you been reading my diary? Because how else would you know how to pack an episode chock full of every single aspect of the show that I hate. Not only was it a Jack back story – and the TENTH one at that – but it could not have been about a more pointless topic. Did anyone ever ask how Jack got his tattoos? Of course not, because everyone knows that the actor, Matthew Fox, has them, therefore the character he plays will have them, too. After all, it IS a fictional television program we’re all watching. And there’s a laundry list of about 1000 things that warrant an explanation above Jack’s tattoos. What’s next, and story about why Hurley’s fat, or Charlie’s British?

In addition to being pointless, the back story had no payoff and featured Bai Ling, who’s one of the worst “actresses” working in Hollywood. Also, why did those Thai dudes beat the shit out of Jack? It might have helped to explain that. Here’s how I would have handled that whole back story:


Jack sits on the beach, bobbing his head and acting emotional about something. The NUMBERS are prominently displayed in random places for no reason. Libby crosses, looks to camera, then crosses off. Hurley waddles over eating a jar of mayonnaise with his bare hands.

Hey dude. What’s up with the tats, dude?

Oh these? Well, I was bumming around Thailand
for a while, and I met this crazy Thai broad that I ended up banging.


Totally. She gave me this tattoo, then her
brother beat the shit out of me for no reason.

Damn. Bitches be crazy.
(they fist bump)
So what do they mean?

Something like, “He walks among us, but he is not one of us.”

What the fuck?

I don’t know. I was wicked drunk when I got it.

Do I have their voices down or what!

All right, you get it. I hated the back story. Let’s chat about the main stories. Jack is moved from the aquarium to the polar bear cage in order for Juliet to move into his old abode. In a moment I couldn’t even believe I was seeing, Jack actually mentions to Mr. Friendly, aka “Tom”, about how the Others kidnapped Claire, hung Charlie, and did a bunch of other horrible things, to which Tom replies by tapping his “glass house” and saying, “I’ll get you some stones.” What does that mean! Jack survived a fucking plane crash, and when other survivors were systematically kidnapped and killed with no explanation, he got pissed. How dare he!

So then, while Jack is asleep in the bear cage, he awakened by a group of people. Among them are Cindy, the flight attendant of 815, and the kids that were kidnapped from the Tailies. Boy, if I were Jack I would have a bunch of questions for her, one of them being “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!” After getting a bunch of cryptic nonsense responses, Jack just dismisses them entirely. At this point I, myself, have adopted Jack’s head-bobbing, neck vein-bulging fury.

Then Jack and Juilet have a moment – Alex tells Jack that she’s going to be executed for killing douche bag – and Jack saves her life by getting Ben to stay her execution and brand her instead. Luckily she can cover up that nasty scar with a sexy lower back tribal tattoo. And Jack knows a crazy bitch in Thailand that could give her a deal.

Oh, and Kate and Sawyer make it to the big Island, argue, Sawyer gives Karl a talk about women, and we CUT TO: Karl and Alex gazing at the same constellation while cheesy music plays.

Back Story: 0
Island Story: 2
Total: 2 (a new record!)

Here’s some crap that might be more interesting than anything that went on in the episode:

  • Matthew Fox’s actual tattoo means something completely different from what they said it means. It actually means, “Eagles high, cleaving sky” and is from a poem penned by fun-loving Chinese dictator Mao Zedong. So basically the writers, who go out of their way to make sure that the fans have to freeze frame every scene so they can analyze that shit in the background, were just hoping that none of them understood Chinese. Good thing it’s only spoken by a quarter of the world’s population.
  • Oh yeah, it’s Chinese, not Thai, like we were supposed to this it was.
  • Here’s some screenshots that are totally uninteresting, like how Juliet’s brand might be an upside-down Scientology symbol. And I thought I couldn’t hate it anymore than I already did.

Now that we got that business out of the way, let’s talk about the Oscars. Last year I got 7 of 8 major categories, but this year I have no idea. It’s an absolute toss up for a bunch of categories, but here goes:

Locks: Cars for Animated Film, Pan’s Labyrinth for Foreign Film, Children of Men for Cinematography, An Inconvenient Truth for Documentary.

Most random nomination: Click for make-up?!

Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls. Wasn’t a huge fan of the movie, but that scene where she belting out “You’re gonna love me” gave me chills.

Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy for Dreamgirls. His pompadour gave me chills. Although the scene where the Jackie Earle Haley jerks off in the car in Little Children was my favorite scene of the year (narrowly beating Borat’s naked wrestling).

Actor: Forest Whitaker. He was pretty badass in Last King of Scotland. And I haven’t seen any of the other four performances.

Actress: Helen Mirren. Unbelievable in The Queen. And she’s amazing hot for an old lady.

Original Screenplay: This one I really have no idea. I thought Little Miss Sunshine at first, but then I thought the academy may lean towards Babel. I’m gonna say it’s going to Little Miss Sunshine because Babel’s gonna win some other stuff.

Adapted Screenplay: Again, no idea. Children of Men was one of my favorite movies of the year – so I would love to see it get something major besides Cinematography. Notes and Little Children were both awesome scripts. Borat’s not Oscar-worthy. The Departed may win a lot – and it was a decent-enough script. I need help, people, what do you think? But for now I’m going to say… Little Children.

Director: Scorcese. It’s Marty’s year, too bad it’s not for a better movie.

Picture: I have no clue. Either The Departed will win everything, or Babel will. Or those two will split the vote and Little Miss Sunshine will win everything. I would be annoyed if Iwo Jima won because I wasn’t a fan of that one at all. But then there’s The Queen, which despite being a glorified Movie of the Week, I thought it was amazing and engaging. But for now I’m saying… The Departed.

I would love to hear you thoughts. I need some wisdom for my various office pools.

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Thursday, February 15, 2007

"Lost" - Flashes Before Your Eyes

"Lost" - Flashes Before Your Eyes

"No matter what I do, you're gonna die, Charlie."

Let me kick off this week's recap but saying that I really enjoyed this episode. That may be because it was completely different from all the other previous episodes that I have somewhat despised this season, but either way this Desmond-centric ep was enough for Lost to redeem itself to me. But don't worry, I have faith that I'll be bitching about the show soon after tonight's Jack-centric episode. I wonder if Jack's stubborn qualities put a strain on some personal relationship he has?

All right, let's do a quick recap. And you can click on the links to see screen caps of stuff you may have missed. The teaser starts on the island with Charlie and Hurley ransacking Sawyer's tent, which is filled with mac and cheese, Nabokov literature, and Fijian porn. Desmond walks in on them and tells them to follow him to the jungle. There they see Locke and Sayid who tell them that Eko was "killed by the island" and Locke needs them to do some damage control so everyone doesn't freak out when they hear the news and murder Locke for being absurdly vague. Suddenly Desmond gets a weird look on his face and goes darting off back to the beach. At the beach, he dives in the water and rescues a drowning Clarie (who now has bangs for some reason). After reviving her on the beach, Hurley comes to the realization that Desmond "sees the future, dude."

So, the dynamic duo hatch a plan to get Desmond so stinking drunk and singing Scottish folk songs that he'll drop his guard and come clean about seeing the future. At first Desmond refuses, but after seeing the kind of whiskey, MacCutcheon 60, he agrees. So after a round of singing "Shagging the farmer daughter, guv'nor", Charlie asks Des how he knew Claire was drowning. At first Desmond dodges the question, then he walks away after Charlie asks about the lightning. Once Charlie calls him a coward, Desmond snaps and attacks him.

Flashback to: The Hatch, and the events leading up to Des turning the fail safe key. After he turns the key, we see his life flash before his eyes. Then we come upon that familiar shot of the single eyeball, but this time it belongs to Desmond, and he's covered in red paint. Moments later we find out that he's in his and Penny's flat in England, but now he's in 1996.

As Desmond readies for a job interview with Penny's father, a known rich douche bag who hates Desmond, he's reminded of he life on the island - it's 1:08pm, the microwave sounds like the computer for the button, Penny says if Des doesn't get the job "it's not the end of the world." This continues later when Desmond hears a delivery man say he's has a parcel "for (4) 815," and when Des is in Mr. Widmore's office, the painting he has hanging up has a polar bear, and Buddha, and "NAMASTE" spelled in reverse. As expected, Mr. Widmore ain't much of a fan of Desmond, especially after he refuses the job and asks for Penny's hand in marriage. In fact, he goes as far as to say that Desmond isn't worth a swig of his MacCutcheon whiskey.

Outside the building, Desmond sees Charlie play his guitar (and horribly, I might add). He's singing Oasis' "Wonderwall", and sings the lyrics, "Maybe, you're gonna be the one who saves me." Desmond flashes back (or forward) to the hatch and recognizes him as Charlie from the island. Desmond starts remembering and freaking out. He ends up predicting the rain, and realizes he has to seek the help of his bearded and bespeckled Indian friend, Donovan. I'm still partial to Mohinder Suresh for my Indian British-accented professors. Desmond asks him the question that, for some reason, makes people in movies and TV shows display looks of immediate concern... "What do you know about time travel?" So Desmond tells his whole story to Donovan over a pint, and Donovan understandable thinks he's full of shite. However, once the song "Make Your Own Kind of Music" - which we all remember from the premiere of season 2 as the song Des played in the hatch right before Locke blew the door off - it triggers his memory, and he comes up with predictions about who wins the "football" match and how the bartender will be cracked in the face with a cricket bat (presumably for stealing old Gulliver's kidney pie). But once that doesn't happen, Desmond goes home to his loving Penelope who tells him he's a good man.

The next day he's off shopping for wedding rings sold by Ms. Hawking. After he says he'll take the ring she showed him, she says "You don't take the ring, Desmond." She then goes on to map out the next years of his life - from breaking Penny's heart, to sailing around the world, to landing on the island and pushing the button until he's forced to turn the fail safe key. And she says that if he doesn't do those things, everyone will die. "Lost" has had a few "holy shit" moments in the past, but this was one of my favorites.

Thankfully, Desmond and Ms. Hawking take a stroll so she can have some chestnuts and explain to him (and to us) exactly what the hell is going on. She points out a man wearing red Converse shoes as a bold fashion choice. After Desmond accuses her of being his subconscious, the man with two red shoes gets hit by a ton of bricks. Desmond asks why she didn't warn the man of his eventual fate, and she responds by saying that the man would have died the next day - that the universe has a way of course-correcting. I mean, didn't he see Final Destination in his future/past life? Desmond is supposed to go to the island because pushing the button is the only great thing Desmond will ever do.

Desmond calls bullocks on her and takes the ring to give to Penny. They meet by Big Ben, and a photographer takes their picture in front of a marina scene. It happens to be the picture that Desmond took to the island. At that point, he realizes what he has to do, and break up with Penny. She's heartbroken and calls him a coward. And he tells her that they're not supposed to be together. Poor Desmond.

He strolls back into the pub and gets a pint of the cheapest beer. Then the Mama Cass song comes on again, and Desmond realizes that he had the wrong night in his predictions. After he realizes that he can changes things, the man with the cricket bat walks in, but after Desmond warns the bartender to duck, he's the one who gets cracked in the face. That brings up right back to a naked Desmond in the jungle post-exploding hatch. He visits the hole where the hatch was and sees the picture of him and Penny and prays to go back to be with Penny so he can change it. At this point we see the images that lead us back to the scrap with Charlie. Hurley breaks up the fight, and Desmond keeps repeating that "you can't change it." He calls Charlie a "good man", then Charlie makes Des tell him what happened.

Desmond says that his life flashed before his eyes after he turned the key. But back on the island, the flashes didn't stop. BUT, Desmond wasn't saving Claire - he was saving Charlie. Charlie was about to be hit by lightning, and Charlie was the one who tries to save Claire and drowns. But the universe has a way of course correcting, and Desmond can't stop Charlie's fate forever.

Score (Out of 20)
Back Story: 9.5
Island Story: 8
Total: 17.5

Why can't they all be Desmond stories? Enjoy tonight's.


Wednesday, February 14, 2007

“Lost” – America Gives It the Benefit of the Doubt

Oh, how I’ve missed all of you. And I can only imagine how much you’ve missed my weekly musings on America’s favorite fourth or fifth favorite show. I know I left you all pretty abruptly at the start of this 3rd season, and gave you all Lost “blue balls”. But that was only because I working hard to help cancel another sitcom. And by the time I was finished, and said show was officially “shelved”, Lost was already elbow deep in a ridiculous seventeen month hiatus. But another reason was because I was so furious at the sheer absurdity of the stories (Locke’s vision quest, Eko killed by the smoke monster, etc.), that I couldn’t in good conscience devote the time it took to write these recaps without having an overwhelming desire to kick my own ass. It would be like writing a recap exposing the plot holes to an episode of Dora the Explorer.

So the hiatus is over both for Lost and myself, so let’s dive right into the episode that finally answers the many questions posed by the cliffhanger of episode 6…which was… is Jack going to do something with Ben, I think… and they’re on another island… fuck it, let’s just do this!

“Lost” – Not in Portland

This episode starts off with a Juliet back story. After passing our old friend, Ethan Rom, in a dank, flickery hallway, Juliet visits her sister, Calamity Jane from Deadwood. She shoots her up with some form of mystery liquid (haven’t seen that since Desmond was juicing back in the day), then we reveal that we’re not on the island at all – it’s Miami!

Cut to the operating room on Dharma Island #2 where we last left Jack 91 days ago. He’s just made an incision in Ben’s kidney and is letting him bleed out so Kate and Sawyer can run away. Jack tells Kate to get safe and radio him with the story he told her on the beach when they first crashed. Kate reluctantly agrees, and then her and Sawyer lay some smack down on that super-douche, Pickett. Juliet calls Jacks bluff and orders the other Others to get back Saywer and Kate – even kill them if they have to.

Back story scene 2 involves Juliet back on the mainland and snooping around some medical facility for a refill of her mystery liquid. She’s forced to hide when some bogus dude wanders in with a completely disproportionate hot chick in tow. Turns out this guy is Juliet’s ex-husband, Edmund, and agrees to turn a blind eye for the moment so he and his new “research assistant” can get freaky next to the beakers.

Cut back to Jack and Juliet squaring off in the OR. Juliet spills the beans that Sawyer and Kate won’t make it to the other side of the island because they’re on a smaller island, 2 miles off shore and completely invisible to the inhabitants of the other island for at least two seasons. Jack retorts by spilling that Juliet wanted Jack to kill Ben during the surgery. Juliet leaves the operating room confident that Jack won’t let someone die on the table. Then again, none of his other patients had been holding him captive in an underwater prison.

As Kate and Sawyer traverse through the jungle, they reach the beach where Kate finally sees that they’re on a separate island. (Did anyone else find this reveal in the beginning of the season to be completely anti-climatic? They keep harping on it, too, as if the more they talk about it, the most powerful it’ll become even though it looks like I could swim between the two islands.) Nevertheless, Kate radios Jack for a boat. But before she can get a response from him, BOOM – a bullet shatters the radio right out of her hand.

Now, I remember the Others at some point being totally sweet fighters. I mean, Ethan was bad-ass and used to kill and kidnap people, and Mr. Friendly could snare a castway with a boomerang at 50 paces, and there was a time where I would believe that the sort of marksmanship I just witnessed was somewhat believable. But after the radio is smashed, Sawyer and three armed Others empty their clips at each other from about 20 feet away on an open beach, and no one hits a thing. Maybe this was Lost’s homage to John Woo movies. Luckily for Kate and Sawyer, not everyone on the show is a horrible shot, and the rebellious teen Other, who may be Rousseau’s daughter, Alex, pelts an Other right between the eyes with her trusty sling shot and helps Kate and Sawyer elude their captors by hiding in her fort.

Back in the OR, Ben wakes up from his surgery because he must have sensed that the plot was dragging, and they must have used Dharma’s do-it-yourself home anesthesia kit. He asks for Juliet, which leads up to her back story scene. Back in Miami, Juliet is summoned to Edmond’s office, and he tells her that he wants “in”. “In” to what still remains a mystery to us, but Edmond’s read her notes, so he knows what’s up. And he knows she’s using Calamity Jane as her guinea pig, so Juliet must be developing some kind of anti-“mother fucking cocksucker” serum. But Edmund tells her that with his help, the two of them could win prizes, drink champagne, and help people – in that order. Talk about an offer she can’t refuse!

Back on Island #2, Friendly tells Juliet that Ben’s looking for her. Then we check in with Kate, Sawyer, and Alex (who throws a little sass back at Sawyer). Alex tells them that she has a boat, but before she let’s them use it, they have to save her boyfriend, Karl. In the OR, Jack’s a little shocked that he’s talking to Ben while he’s looking at his exposed spine and organs. But thankfully Juliet breaks up the awkward moment, and Jack let’s them have a moment alone (3 minutes, to be exact, and to call back to Michael and Walt’s episode, “Three Minutes”). We don’t hear what they say to each other, but after the conversation, Juliet says that she wants Jack to put Ben under and finish the surgery. Why? Because Juliet is going to help Kate and Jack escape.

Back from the commercial break, we join Juliet watching a slide show of some overtly pleasant-looking private facility in Portland. Mr. Alpert (played by the ever-suave Nestor Carbonell) is doing is best to lure her into coming to work in Portland – after all, she DID successfully impregnate a male field mouse. Oh, so that’s what she does – pointless fertility research! Well, her research must be super-pointless because Alpert is jocking her pretty hard. When she mentions she couldn’t go because her ex is basically extorting her into staying, she lets it slip that the only thing that would help is if Edmund were hit by a bus. After leaving in a flurry of distraught tears, we cut to…

Bad-ass Juliet scanning the monitors for the whereabouts of Sawyer and Kate. She looks at the 6 screens that cover the 2-3 square mile island, and luckily they pass right in front of one of the cameras. She sees Alex with them, and realize that they must be going to see… Mac from ‘Always Sunny in Philadelphia’? He plays the young Other, Aldo, who happens to be guarding yet another section of dilapidated Dharma real estate while casually reading Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time” – maybe this was punishment for banging Dennis’ Mom? While contemplating the event horizons of black holes, Aldo is surprised to see Alex with Kate and Sawyer as prisoners. Aldo lets it slip that Ben is Alex’s father (?), and while radioing in for backup, he falls victim to the “Wookie prisoner” technique, and Sawyer spears him. After securing Aldo with a rifle butt to the dome, Sawyer and Kate follow Aldo’s direction to the cell where Karl is being held (cell #23, of course). Although it would seem from the outside that Karl is rolling his face off in a sweet rave, he’s actually being subjected to the PG version of Clockwork Orange “re-education”. There’s all sorts of weird audio and visual shit going on, but it all looks like pretty groundbreaking stuff.

Pickett and the Others find Aldo passed out, but Juliet catches up with them and tell them that Ben gave the order to let Kate and Sawyer go. Pickett refuses to believe her, and we flashback to Juliet and Calamity Jane. Jane tells her that her research does work, she’s pregnant! I guess she must be a male and/or field mouse. So they weep and sob together, and Jane says that all she needs to do is cure her combination of AIDS, Cancer, and Leprosy and she can raise her child! More tears. Now that the research works, Juliet has to tell Edmund. She does, and he promptly gets hit by a bus. That’ll teach him to be a smarmy douche in Lost world!

Back in the OR, Jack finishes the surgery with a queasy Mr. Friendly assisting. In one of the all time biggest Lost cock-teases, Jack asks Friendly why they didn’t just take Ben to a facility off the island, and Friendly starts to say, “Well, since the sky turned purple…” But then Jack screws up and nicks an artery! Aaahh! Let the man finish explaining!

So Kate and Sawyer reach Alex’s boat with Karl, but Pickett’s got them in his sights. Lucky for them Juliet blows him away before he can get off a shot. Juliet tells them to go, but Alex has to stay – Ben’s orders. So Alex says goodbye to Karl (more tears), and Juliet lets Kate radio to Jack that she’s okay. He makes her tell him the story he told her on that first day, which is juxtaposed to Jack fixing his similar fuckup on Ben. Again, more sobbing. Jack makes Kate promise that she’ll never come back for him – more tears. Kate and Sawyer push out the boat and sail off to the gigantic island right in front of them.

Cut to Edmund’s gross-ass corpse. As Juliet signs for the body, she sobs.

Back in the OR, Juliet and Jack share a moment while gazing at Ben’s body. Jack asks what Juliet and Ben talked about, and we go back to Juliet sobbing over Edmund’s body. In pops Mr. Alpert and his underling, Ethan, and they “express their condolences” while pitching the job to her one last time. AND they know about her man-sister being pregnant. When Juliet asks if her sister can come, they respond by saying that they’re not quite “in” Portland, but actually thousands of miles from Portland in the middle of the ocean. Sold!

Juliet tells Jack that she’s been on the island for three years, and (welling up with tears) if she helped him, Ben would let her… go home.

So, there you have it – the culmination of my 3 month bitter and angst-fueled expectations. Did I like the episode? Ehhh, not really. What was with the sob-fest? I haven’t seen that much crying in an hour since the 4th quarter of the AFC Championship. Even in the “Lost” script template in Final Draft, F11 is the shortcut for “HE/SHE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY”. It was way too much heavy drama for my tastes.

AND, they focused the entire hour on the one story that sucked the most during those first 6 episodes. And when you boil it down, we’re really no further into knowing what they are doing on the island. It has something to do with fertility – ok, we knew that when pregnant Claire was kidnapped by Ethan. And now we know that it may have something to do with the pointless brainwashing of random idiots.

But whatever. I assume that this story was broken before the outcry of “Foul” from the collective fan base. And there are still people who worship the show even after the writers admitted that they want to figure out an end point for the series so they’re not spewing garbage onto the page every day. Plus now that we know Lost is mortal after all when Criminal Minds beat it, and CSI: New York (Street…on the Radford lot) beat it last week after it was moved to 10pm so as not to get endlessly dick-punched by American Idol, this series could be done sooner than you think. The writers should figure out an end point and know when to quit. Otherwise they’ll suffer from 24-itis, which, in it’s 6th season, is the dumbest f@*king show on television.

Speaking of 24, I’ve been doing some serious monitoring of chatter – Internet chatter, that is. And here’s what I’ve found out about this episode of Lost and the series in general:

  • According to the massive article in Entertainment Weekly by Jeff Jensen (who must have taken a short break from endless fellating the show to actually writing about it), we’ll find out about…wait for it… Jack’s tattoos! And in case you thought that wasn’t awesome enough, the talentless Bai Ling is somehow involved. I can’t wait. Also we supposedly find out about why Locke was in the wheelchair, even though I thought they had planned to wait for season 12 for that one. In next week’s, we’ll see the stewardess Cindy and the kidnapped kids from the tail section, and in three weeks we get to see the connection of the Others to the Dharma Initiative. We also see a new hatch – Dharma Flame, which probably involves some gay storyline. (Yeah, I went there.)
  • Tonight, we’re supposed to have a Desmond flashback device that the producers say will either “blow people’s minds or chase them away for good.”
  • The Michael/Walt story won’t be touched until Season 4.
  • “None of the big questions are going to answered until the end of the series,” says Carlton Cuse, the show’s executive producer. He added, “We will continue to pull stories out of our collective asses until we are staring down the barrel of cancellation, at which point we will give our duped audience some half-assed all-encompassing explanation of everything.”
  • You all knew that rave room had a tons of stuff for geeks to freeze-frame, slow down, play backwards, etc. Here’s what happens when you play the audio backwards:
  • - And here’s what Mac was reading in “A Brief History of Time”:
  • - Cheech Marin plays Hurley’s Dad??:
    Check out the smoke-show that plays Tricia Tanaka (and I’m sure she will be crushed under Hurley’s massive weight)

Score (out of a possible 20)

Back Story: 4

Island Story: 5

Total: LAME


Monday, October 09, 2006

"Lost" - A Tale of Two Cities

What’s up, party people?! Can you believe it’s been just over four months since I last wasted an afternoon pondering and writing about the intricacies of a frustrating and unsatisfying television show? Where does the time go?

I hope everyone had enjoyable summers working on your respective projects. But, “Lost” is back, and so am I. So let’s get right into it.

“Lost” – A Tale of Two Cities

I’m hoping Us Weekly will have a feature called, “The Others… They’re just like us!” After all, they bake muffins (and burn them, LOL), they have book clubs attended by pompous assholes – which is the pinnacle of any civilized society – and they live in a nicely manicured neighborhood called “Others Lane” (aka. Otherville, Mysteria Lane). I could’ve sworn I heard Mary Alice narrating: “Things aren’t what they seem on Others Lane…” Although the location seems to be less than ideal (in the middle of a valley on a remote island in the South Pacific), I’m sure it’s a quick hike down the road to J Crew and Crate and Barrel.

But all jokery aside, Season 3 starts off with the same ECU of an eyeball that has become a trademark of the premieres. This eyeball belongs to a new character, Juliet, who we find out is an Other. Other than the big reveal and the cool shot of the Oceanic Air flight 815 breaking apart in midair, the cold open didn’t reveal much. The book they were talking about was Stephen King’s Carrie, and through conversation we find out that “Ben” wouldn’t have liked that choice. Ben, of course, is the real name of (not) Henry Gale.

After what seems like an earthquake, we see some familiar faces in the neighborhood, mainly Ethan and Goodwin. After finding out that the earthquake was really the slight “slip-up” by Desmond that eventually led to the plane crash, our two favorite dead Others promptly receive their directives from the apparent leader, Ben.

After a slight glimpse into Jack’s back story (which included him spying on his ex-wife), we cut to Jack’s containment cell, which looks like a set from “Saw” but has a clear plexiglass wall. Kate’s situation is much more pleasant. She wakes up on the floor of the communal shower at the Other’s local YMCA (which, on second thought, sounds pretty disgusting). Our old pal Mr. Friendly (MC Gainey), tells Kate to take a shower and “wash the day off”, but when Kate tells him she’s not showering in front of him, he tells her that she’s not his type, which immediately told me that Mr. Friendly is queerer than a three dollar bill. Peeping Tom’s notwithstanding, Kate’s situation is undoubtedly better than….

Sawyer’s, who is in some kind of experimental animal cage. But at least Sawyer has a companion – there’s a boy in the cell across from him named Carl. Sawyer tries to talk to him, but it seems like the boy is focused on something else (maybe he has a closed-circuit feed to Kate’s shower). After getting severely shocked by pressing a button, it’s apparent that Sawyer’s in a large Skinner Box, or an apparatus used to study animal behavior (so sayeth Wikipedia). Those keeping score should note that we’re ten minutes in to season three and Sawyer’s already getting hurt.

Back in Jack’s chamber, he starts throwing a hissy fit that prompts Juliet to come in. Cut to “Boring Jack Back Story – Scene Two”: Jack wants the name of the dude his ex left him for, and she refuses to tell him. Hmmm, I wonder if he’ll obsess over this?? Perhaps jump to some wrong conclusions?

Cut to: Kate shower scene. Man, those Other are quite the pranksters. They pulled the old clothes in the locker switcheroo while she was showering. Hilarious. But instead of having Kate fire around in a towel for the rest of the season, they provided her with a dress and an invitation to join “Ben” for breakfast on the beach. The set-up looked really pleasant, and Ben was wearing Dockers and nice button-down. Unfortunately the whole point was so that Kate could have a nice memory before two hellish weeks of some Others-brand mindfucking.

Boring Jack Back Story – Scene Three: Shocker! Jack obsessively tries to find out the name of his ex’s boyfriend. He and his father argue and he calls his dad a drunk. Is it me, or have I seen this scene about 10 times before.

But back in Jack’s cell, Juliet comes in and brings Jack some food. But stubborn ole Jack won’t budge – he refuses to lean against the wall so she can open the door. After some banter, Jack finally asks, “What the hell is going on here,” to which Juliet responds… by walking out. Hey, for a new cast member, Juliet really nailed the “I can’t answer any logical questions” face.

Meanwhile, Sawyer’s buddy busts out of the cage and breaks Sawyer out, too. Unfortunately he uses Sawyer as a diversion so he could get away – a plan that doesn’t work out for either of them and gets Sawyer tasered but the omnipresent Juliet. Friendly then bring Carl over to apologize to Sawyer for involving him. This kind of smelled like another Others rouse – then again, you can’t take anything on Lost at face value.

Juliet comes back to Jack to try to feed him. She feeds him lines about how he’s dehydrated from the drugs they gave him, and she eventually breaks down Jack into compliance. Oh, but little does she know that Jack is actually smack in the middle of a nice rage blackout when we flashback to BJBS Scene Four. Here we see Jack basically coming to the conclusion that his drunk father is sleeping with his wife. So when he busts into his Dad’s AA meeting, he really flies off the handle. All it took was Jack’s Dad to say “Let it go,” and Jack form tackles him through the 12 Steps easel.

Not great timing on Juliet’s part. Because when she thinks Jack is somewhat sedated, she comes into the cell and is served a nice plate Jack Sheppard justice. In face, Jack uses that very plate to hold up to her neck and keep her hostage for his escape. What Jack doesn’t realize is that the facility they’re in is underwater, but he finds that out as soon as he opens a hatch door. “Ben” pulls a dick move and locks Juliet in there with him, but she and Jack eventually seal off the water, and Jack pushes a button that either pumps out the water or opens the garage door of Juliet’s house (we’re still not sure). Then Juliet lands a thunderous right hook to Jack’s jaw and knocks him out cold.

Back in Sawyer’s cage, he’s finally figured out a system for activating all the levers and buttons so he can get a glorious supply of Dharma fish biscuits and unpopped popcorn. Yum. Mr. Friendly leads Kate over to Carl’s old accommodations where I assume she’ll be spending her two-week stay. Friendly also notices Sawyer’s fish biscuit (why does that sounds dirty?) and remarks that it only took the bears two hours. Could he be talking about the… polar bears?!?!?!?

Sawyer and Kate share a sweet moment (after all, she DID ask about Sawyer before Jack). Sawyer offers up his fish biscuit, and she gladly devours it…. Wait a minute, didn’t Kate just eat a full breakfast? That’s like someone on Survivor eating a huge meal they won at a challenge, then coming back to camp and eating all the rice. Not cool, Kate.

Jack finally comes to back in his cell, and Juliet tell him that he’s really in an aquarium used to train the dolphin on Seaquest and sharks with frickin’ laser attached to their heads. She also has a copy Jack’s permanent record, which we all know contains every last bit of information about his life. After spouting of some facts, she succeeds in breaking Jack down when she mentions that she can tell Jack what he wants about his ex.

Cut to the final BJBS scene where Sara bails Jack out of jail. Tears… blah blah, “I need to know who he is!”…blah blah… “It’s not who he is, it who you’re not!”… blah blah…. “Your dad’s drunk.”

Then Jack asks the only logical question he could think of – is my ex-wife happy? Close up of spooky (not) Henry Gale/Ben, and fade out.

Wow. This episode was…HORRENDOUS! I absolutely hated it. Considering it was the season premiere after a finale that had all sorts of craziness going on, this story did nothing for me. Let’s review that things we learned.

  • The Others live in a weird, modern neighborhood that’s furnished by Ikea and the Pottery Barn.
  • There’s a Dharma Hydra station that was used to do something with sharks (which were presumably bred for the show to jump over)
  • There are cages where bears were held and studied.

Here are the things we already know and/or couldn’t care less about:

  • Jack’s really obsessive.
  • Jack’s father is a drunk and they don’t have such a great relationship.
  • Jack had/still has feelings for the woman he was married to.
  • Kate’s not a huge fan of handcuffs.
  • Sawyer’s not a huge fan of being electrocuted.
  • Henry Gale is spooky.
  • Everything the Others do may or may not be a trick.

I’m not saying that I didn’t expect the typical Lost “no one talks to each other and no information is ever revealed” MO, it’s just that I expected more from a season premiere. In looking at the previous two premieres, you have some of the best episodes of the series – The pilot and “Man of Science, Man of Faith”, which was also a Jack-centric episode where we meet Desmond and the Hatch. Now season three rolls around, and this is what we’re given?? Some sappy-ass, emotional Jack back story and a brisk walkthrough of the Others’ compound.

So far, including this premiere, Jack has had EIGHT episodes. That’s seven previous stories where we learn about Jack’s obsessive personality, his strained relationship with his drunk dad, how he met his wife, his fixation on “fixing” things, and how his marriage wasn’t working. Why, for the love of God, do we need to see all of those elements again for an eighth time. Isn’t anybody else sick of it, or am I just heartless? I know this episode was penned by the great JJ Abrams, so maybe he accidentally thought he was writing a “What About Brian”.

All right, enough hating. What I did like about this episode was the opening (that shot of the plane breaking apart in mid-air was awesome), and the previews for next week. I could’ve sworn I saw a shot Kate kissing Sawyer – does she choose him (after all, she DID ask about Sawyer before Jack – twice – then it was pointed out by Ben in case people still didn’t catch it), or was she instructed by the Others to get close to Sawyer for some reason – after all, she did look pretty upset when she was brought to the cage. Maybe her “unpleasant two weeks” meant that she was going to be forced to get Ana Lucia’s sloppy seconds.

Last thing I liked about this episode (which brings the total to…3 things): Juliet. I like how the show addressed my call for more hot chicks after Michael single-handedly brought that number down to two. Juliet’s got some stink to her. Hopefully we’ll see her fleshed out (wink wink, high five).

The brightside? Only place to go is up.

Score (Out of 20):

Island Story: 5

Back Story: 3

Total: 8

Good to be back, but if this episode is any indicator of how the rest of the season is going to be, and I still end up writing 2000 words about it, I may have to kick my own ass.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

"Lost" - Live Together, Die Alone

Well, my fellow “Lost” fan brethren, this is the final post before the summer hiatus. Word is the Lost schedule for next year will be a lot less infuriating with six episodes set to air in a row from October to November, then 12 weeks off before airing 17 straight new eps. starting in Feb. (apparently the creators were just as pissed at this past season’s air schedule as the viewers). So until then I’ll have to entertain myself with ABC’s Master of Champions.

“Live Together, Die Alone” – Desmond Episode

“I was wrong” – John Locke, after discovering that pushing the button actually prevented the Apocalypse.

We start with the discovery of the sailboat that Sun pointed out last week. After a few of our shirtless heroes climb aboard, they find out that it’s a drunken, gun-toting Desmond.

Cut to Nighttime. Did anyone else notice the new island mess hall where Jack was hitting the buffet? Anyway, it’s been a few hours, and still no one’s talked to Desmond, who’s content to just sit on the beach and booze. Jack asks why he came back, and Desmond responds that he was headed due west for 2 ½ weeks before he ended up back at the island. Then again, maybe his bearings may have been slightly skewed during his drunken blackouts.

Then we see the first scene of Desmond’s back story. He’s being released from prison and is finally reunited with his Dickens novel, Our Mutual Friend, that he’s vowed to read before he dies. Upon leaving the jail, he sees Charles Widmore (or, as fans of “The O.C.” know him, Caleb Nichol). Widmore is the father of Desmond’s true love, Penelope. He’s been intercepting Desmond’s letters to her in order to ensure that his daughter will move on, and he offers him a bunch of cash to ensure that he won’t try to contact her. In a side note that’s probably only interesting to me: On The O.C., Julie Cooper did the same thing to the Mexican gardener Marissa was dating!

So Sayid finally comes up with a plan the “gain the advantage” on crazy Michael. He’s going to take Desmond’s boat and sail to the other side of the island and scope out the Others. Then he’s going to signal Jack and company to come to the beach and formulate a plan to get Walt. You know, if I were on the island, I’d say, “F@*k that s*@t. I’m taking the boat and sailing as far away from this God-forsaken hell hole as humanly possible. And I bet I could do it better than Drunky McBoozebag over there!” But since I’m stuck in the hell hole that is Hollywood, let’s see where Sayid’s plan take us.

In the hatch, Locke tries to get prevent Eko from pressing the button, but he’s overcome by Eko’s extreme badass-ness and kicked out of the Hatch yelling “We’re puppets on strings!” Get ‘em next time, Locke.

On the beach the troops are gearing up to head over to kick some Others ass. Kate finally chimes in with “Hey, remember all those beards and make-up I found in that hatch. Maybe they’re all pretending.” To which Michael responds with another diatribe of mangled insanity - “They eat fish! They’re more scared of us than we are of them!” Whatever, Crazy.

After Desmond lets Sayid take his boat, we flashback to America, where Desmond runs into… LIBBY! Why is she showing up in everyone’s flashbacks during some gut-wrenching scene? Can we expect her to be the one who tells Rose she has cancer? Or she’s the one who paralyzes Locke? Anyway, Desmond asks for money for a boat so he can race around the world… she has a boat… Blah Blah… she gives it to him… racing for love… SNORE.

Trudging through the jungle, the Losties see a giant swooping bird that may have said Hurley’s name. Everyone’s calm except for crazy Michael, who tries to fire off ten rounds randomly into the air before discovering that Jack gave him an empty gun. Whoops.

In another section of jungle, Charlie walks in on Locke sobbing after Eko kicked him out of the Hatch. Charlie tells him that Desmond’s arrived, which is news to Locke. Where the hell’s he been for the past day? Sitting in the jungle, feeling sorry for himself and weeping? Oh how I miss Season 1 Locke.

We’re then taken back to the stadium where Desmond and Jack first met, only this time we meet Penelope, Desmond’s lost love. We find out that Desmond is racing on this trip around the world not just for love, but also to get his honor back. And what does Desmond do when he’s finally face to face with the object of his affection? – he turns around and runs though a stadium. “Honor” my ass - this guy was in prison! Take a night off, Des.

So Locke finds Desmond and drops the bomb that Dharma Pearl exists and pushing the button is all a big joke – an experiment for people in the Pearl to observe. Desmond’s given three years of his life to pushing that button, so needless to say he’s a little curious. Elsewhere in the jungle, Michael acts shady and weird.

Speaking of weird, on the sailboat, Sayid’s cruising along with his shipmates Jin and the preggers Sun when they see the four-toed foot of what was a giant statue. WTF? Check it out here:

In the Hatch, Desmond and Locke successfully lock Eko out of the computer room by triggering the blast doors. The plan is to let the counter go down to zero. The Man of Faith no longer has any.

This leads to Desmond’s flashback of how he got onto the island. Nothing too flashy – just got caught in a storm and banged his head. He ended up on a beach near the hatch where Kelvin Inman found him. Kelvin’s played by Clancy Brown, who also played Joe Inman in the episode where Sayid becomes a torturer (same person… or twin brother???). Kelvin, who wears a make-shift biohazard suit every time he’s outside, also had a partner, Radzinsky, helping him push the button in the hatch. And his partner was the one who made the edits in the orientation film. And we find out later that he blew his brains out in the hatch.

In the jungle, our team happens upon some Others, and Sawyer manages to take one of them out. At this point Jack confronts Michael in one of his awkward head-bobbing tirades, and everyone’s let in on what Jack already knew. Oh, and Michael confesses to killing Libby and Ana Lucia. I bet now he’s wishing he didn’t shoot himself in the arm.

Back in the hatch, Eko has recruited Charlie to find some dynamite to try to open the blast doors. Desmond’s sure that the dynamite won’t work, which leads us to another flashback showing Kelvin working on the black light map that Radzinsky started. After Eko successfully torches the entire hatch with a giant fireball, we go to another flashback introducing the fail safe.


Yes, it’s true, in this one quick scene we actually learn more information than we have in months. Kelvin tells us that behind the wall is a geologically unique electro-magnet. Also, the “incident” was a leak that causes the charge to build up, and pushing the button is the only thing that can release the charge and prevent it from getting out of control. However, using the fail safe will destroy the whole thing. So basically, the button DOES do something significant, but in the true Lost spirit, Desmond chooses not to share this information with anyone.

Locked in the computer room, Desmond and Locke chat about what Locke really believes. In what I thought was a really good Locke scene, he tells Desmond about how he thought it was his destiny to get into the Hatch, and how his beliefs ended up killing Boone. Then he saw the light emitting from the hatch door and thought it was a sign. “But it was probably just [Desmond] going to the bathroom.” As much as I rip on Locke for going soft, his character really did have a tremendous arc this season which is culminating in this countdown in the hatch. Why Desmond doesn’t just tell John about the magnet and the incident is beyond me. I suppose Locke needs to find this out for himself.

Cut to Sayid and his plan to scope out the Others. He finds out what we’ve all known for a while – that the Others were faking it and that village Michael saw was all a façade, complete with a fake hatch door. We check in with our heroes who’ve discovered a pile of tubes that we know came from Dharma Pearl. They read one of the notebooks that are filled with details of years worth of Hatch activity (“0415 takes a shower”). Could it be that the Pearl was the “rat maze” or “Skinner Box” that Locke thought the Hatch was? After seeing Sayid’s black smoke on the horizon, Jack realizes that Michael’s led them into a trap. All of a sudden, we hear the voices surrounding them, following by the barrage of knock-out darts that not even Jack Shepard can withstand.

We’re now 20 minutes from the end of the world, and Desmond finally questions Locke about the Pearl. Locke gives him the printout from the computer, we leads us to another flashback. In this scene, Desmond notices Kelvin’s suit is ripped, so he follows him out to the jungle. After seeing that Kelvin’s been taking off the suit every time he’s outside, Des follows him further, eventually leading him to his boat. Kelvin says he’s been fixing the boat, and that he’s not even sure if the button’s real. Desmond starts getting real pissed and Kelvin comes clean that he needed a sucker to “save the world” after he left. Desmond spears him into some rocks, accidentally killing him. After realizing what he’s done, Des grabs the fail safe key and runs back to the hatch.

However, in the Hatch, the countdown has reached zero, and the magnet’s starting to go berserk. The computer reads “System Failure”, and all metal objects are being sucked into the wall. Fortunately for Desmond, he manages to push the button before anything noticeably goes wrong.

Unfortunately for the passengers on Oceanic Air flight 815, that little slip up might have caused the plane to crash onto the island, thus ruining everyone’s lives. Whoops. The printout from the Pearl computer confirms that the date the plane crashed was that same as the System Failure.

Cutting back to our captured heroes, Kate, Hurley, Jack, and Sawyer are bound and gagged kneeling at the Pala Ferry (which was mentioned in the Orientation Video for the Pearl). The Ferry approaches, and the apparent leader of the Others approaches which happens to be none other than (not) Henry Gale! How Usual Suspects-y.

Back in the Hatch, we see Charlie and Eko have miraculously survived the fireball, though Charlie’s hearing’s a little off (those loud Driveshaft concerts didn’t help either). In the computer room, Desmond finally tries to convince Locke that pushing the button is real, and that they have to do it. But Locke isn’t swayed, and when Desmond tries to push it himself, Locke finally smashes the computer. Desmond’s sure that he’s killed them all, but Locke’s convinced he’s saved them. Now’s the time for Des to be the hero. He opens the blast doors and searches for his copy of “Our Mutual Friend”, which led me to say, “How the hell’s he going to read a damn novel in three minutes!”

But in the final flashback, we see that day Locke was talking about. 41 days from the plane crash (and from the day Desmond killed Kelvin), we see Desmond at the end of his rope contemplating suicide since he’s the only one who can push the button. He reaches for the Dickens novel and finds a note from Penny, who knew that he would open the book in a moment of great desperation. Here we learn that all you need to survive is one person who loves you, and Penny will be there for him always. At that moment, after throwing a tantrum, he hears Locke banging on the Hatch door outside, and he knows that he’s been saved.

Back in the hatch, Desmond is on his way to “blowing the dam”. The clock hits zero, and, as expected, all hell breaks loose. Whatever was in the hatch that wasn’t destroyed by the fireball is surely being crushed by the magnet. Eko pushes Charlie away and goes to find Locke, who’s standing in the computer room uttering “I was wrong.” Desmond says a prayer, and turns the key.

Cutting back to the tied-up Losties and Others, we hear a weird sound and the sky turns a bright white. Gathering from everyone’s reactions, it doesn’t look pleasant. After a moment, things are back to normal. Although we don’t know the fate of the Hatch, we know that the Hatch door that Locke and the gang blew up said “Quarantine” on it (and were reminded it was there when Eko saw it), and that sucker flew from the Hatch to the beach. Then again, dumb-ass Charlie came stumbling out of the jungle, so it couldn’t have been that bad.

At the ferry dock, (not) Henry Gale holds up his end of the bargain and gives Michael his son back (apparently the Others got more than they bargained for with Walt) along with the ferry and directions to follow a certain course to be rescued. Things seem to be working out for Michael. Henry tells Michael that once he leaves he won’t be able to get back to the island. And even if he tries to tell people on the outside what’s going on, he’ll have to confess to two murders. Ms. Klugh lets Hurley go so he can tell everyone else not to ever come there. Michael leaves with Walt, and Kate, Jack, and Sawyer are “coming home” with the Others, a.k.a. they’re screwed.

Then a pointless scene where Claire kisses Charlie and nobody cares… BUT THEN, one of the most important scenes in the history of the show. Two Portuguese guys are sitting in a station in either the Arctic or Antarctica. They’re playing chess when the computer reads “Electromagnetic Anomaly Detected”. The say something about how they missed it last time (apparently when Desmond triggered the magnet), but this time they’ve got it. And who do they call… Penny Widmore!

And scene!

Phew, that was a long one, so thanks for bearing with me. Now I’ll offer the Pops Interpretations and Predictions Q & A section:

- Why exactly was that scene at the end so cool?

Because for the first time we saw the outside world exist at the same time as the story. That means that there IS an outside world, and the island is not purgatory or the last place people are living on Earth. It’s simply an island existing in the world that people are looking for. And remember, Hurley’s rich too, so he may have people looking as well. But he’s only been gone 66 days, whereas Desmond’s been missing 3 years.

- Did the Hatch blow up when Desmond turned the key? Are Locke and Eko and/or Desmond dead?

In a word, No. I think when Des hit the fail safe, the magnet either exploded or the polarity was immediately reversed with such force as to launch the hatch door all the way to the beach. So is the Hatch useless? Possibly. With the damage from the dynamite, the ensuing fire ball, and the crazy magnet, and the now destroyed computer, I doubt we’ll be seeing much of it in Season 3. Plus, now we have a whole bunch of new sets for Season 3 – The Other’s Camp.

As far as the characters being dead: First, Locke can’t die because he’s a main guy and we still haven’t found out how he was paralyzed. And Eko was right next to Locke, so I’m sure he’s okay. As far as Desmond goes, he just had a two-hour back story. His death would be too unsatisfying for the story. We don’t know why he was in prison, and his relationship with Penny Widmore may be the key to everyone getting rescued. Plus he’s a great character.

- What’s with that weird, four-toed statue?

You got me, but I found this:

The statue also seems familiar to the statue described in this summary of "Headlong Hall" by Thomas Love Peacock:

"The place is quite a wilderness," said Squire Headlong: "…Here you see is the pedestal of a statue, with only half a leg and four toes remaining: there were many here once."

But who the hell knows.

- Kelvin said he was working for the Dharma Initiative. Was he the same guy as the soldier in Iraq with Sayid?

Not sure if he is that same guy or the guy’s twin brother. Lost likes twins (ie. “Bad Twin”), but the site says that Kelvin’s full name is Kelvin Joe Inman, so they might be the same person.

- Was Kelvin trying to lure Desmond outside with his ripped body suit?

This one’s confusing to me since that was the day the plane crashed. If Kelvin was trying to lure Desmond away, was it because he knew that on that day the magnet had to pull the plane out of the sky? Did Kelvin work for Widmore, or was he a Dharma employee that went rogue? After all he was making the black light map, which showed that he was scouting the island for other hatches and mapping the terrain. But it didn’t make too much sense that Kelvin would just give up on pushing the button that easily. Then again, after two seasons of watching everyone’s story of how fate put them on that plane, perhaps it was a coincidence.

- Where’s that actress who played Penny Widmore from?

“Mind of the Married Man.” But she was also in “The Librarian: Quest for the Spear”.

- What do the numbers on that print log from the Pearl mean?

Well, to Desmond it made perfect sense: 0922044:16 = 9/22/04 at 4:16. But a close up of the numbers in the Pearl (shown here: shows something like 41602063:05 and 41602064:58. If the last three numbers are the time, then it works out – each number is roughly 108 minutes after the previous one. But the dates don’t match. What date is 4160206?

- What did the computer screen in the Arctic station say?

Delivery Subsystem 550 Requested action taken:
> Received: by with SMTP id m12mr1134484nfg:
> Received: by 10,29.30.1 with HTTP
> Message-ID: Subject: AUTOMATED TEST
> MIME-Version: 1.0
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
> Content-Disposition: inline

1bbybby 77111790v****systems normal**** 76555-222-0

zzzzzzz330 7711346 ****systems normal**** QX10022005-CHI



Delivery Subsystem 550 Requested action taken:
> Sent: by with SMTP id m11mr1134484nfg
> Sent: to 10,49.31.1 with HTTP


- What else might I have missed?

The Hurley Bird:

Penelope’s Address:

Penny was living in Knightsbridge, which is the same city that Lucy Heatherton was living in (Lucy is the girl that Charlie cons in Season 1 - ends up taking a job for her father's copier company).

Countdown Glyphs:
- Means “Death”

Charles Widmore:

First, there was in the WIDMORE CONSTRUCTION banner in the London skyline in Charlie's flashback "Fire + Water". Then, there was the WIDMORE LABS logo on the pregnancy kit Sun uses. And, finally, Henry Gale's balloon had a WIDMORE LABS logo printed on the side.

- So what can we expect from Season 3?

A whole lot of Others. Where they live, how they came to the island, maybe some back stories (like Henry Gale’s and Alex Rosseau’s). Also, don’t forget that Sayid, Jin, and Sun are very close to them, so I’d expect a search and rescue operation in the works for the premiere.

Also, expect some more lovin’, from Charlie and Claire and hopefully Rose and Bernard.

There could also be some fallout from not having a giant magnet on the island, like Locke not being able to walk.

- So did you like the finale?

Every scene but the one with Libby and the Charlie/Claire scene at the end.

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 8
Island Story: 9
Total: 17

See you in another life, brothers.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

"Lost" - Three Minutes

“Three Minutes” – Michael Story

Welcome to the penultimate “Lost” post. The episode “Three Minutes” starts off with a little flashback to thirteen days ago in the Hatch where Michael has another IM convo with Walt. I don’t remember exactly what it said, but I think it was something like:

RaftBuilder46: Walt, r u ok?
PsychicBoy: IMO, these Others are Wack-Donalds.
RaftBuilder46: LOL! Where’d u hear that?
PsychicBoy: Nevermind, come get me!
RaftBuilder46: Where r u?
PsychicBoy: Uh, there’s a rock, and some sky… I think some trees.
RaftBuilder46: Got it. TTYL!

Cut to the present day, where Michael is burning a list of names outside the Hatch. Jack invites him back inside for the first of many manic conversations Michael has about going to get the Others. Now, the audience is aware of Michael’s ulterior motive, even though at this point it’s not exactly sure what it is. But how does anyone NOT realize how ridiculous he’s being? He’s been gone for two weeks, and now that he’s back, the man who was bound, gagged, and locked in the Hatch has escaped, two people are shot dead, and Michael’s suggesting they leave with just five people, none of which are the Iraqi-trained military torturer. All this before the dead bodies are even cold!

Luckily this episode has an island back story, which are usually interesting ones. We follow Michael on his mission to find Walt when he runs into an Other taking a piss. This Other’s known as Pickett, and you may recognize him as “Buck” from Kill Bill ( Suddenly MC Gainey (aka Mr. Friendly or Zeke) comes from behind and disarms Michael and ends up throwing a bola at his feet to trip him up (is there no end to his mysterious coolness?).

Back to present day, Mr. Eko gives an awesomely creepy speech to Michael about a boy who thought that a dog he killed because it mauled his sister will be waiting for him in hell. (Dog in hell = Cerberus = black smoke???). Then Michael’s insanity continues in this speech to Jack:

Michael: “It’s gotta be the way I said, just the five of us. Otherwise it won’t work. It WON’T WORK.”
Jack: “We’re going to figure that out.”
Michael: “I have already figured it out. It’s gotta be just the people who already know. You, me, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley. That’s it. Anybody else…will put him in more danger. You don’t get to decide this. It’s my son. It’s my call. And that’s the way it has to be.
Jack (long pause): Then that’s the way it’ll be.

WHAT! What the f@%k was Jack thinking? First of all, it’s not Michael’s call (as Sayid later points out). They’re going to battle where they could all die. That’s a group decision if I ever heard one. Second, Michael says, “It’s gotta be just the people who already know. You, me, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley.” You would think Jack would say:

Jack: “Uh, Locke and Eko know, too. Speaking of them, how bout we bring Mr. Eko with us – after all he IS that most badass person I’ve ever seen. Plus he cracks skulls with a friggin’ stick. Oh, and can we bring Locke, too? He’s a tracker who knows his way around guns and knives. Plus he’s got healing powers like Wolverine. Worse comes to worse, we could use him as a human shield. One more thing, can Sayid come? After all, he’s actually been in combat.”
Michael: “NO! It’s gotta be Kate… and Hurley.”
Jack: “The chick and the fat pussy dude? Jesus, Mike, should we bring Rose and Bernard, too? (Thinks for a beat) Well, I’m sold.”

Just when moments like these were actually making me yell at my TV, we cut to Claire and her baby. Charlie approaches and tries to make amends for kidnapping and almost drowning baby Aaron by… giving her some liquid “vaccine” he found. But don’t worry, he injected himself five minutes ago to make sure it was safe, and so far so good. Claire’s psyched, apparently she can’t wait to inject her child with a mysterious Dharma liquid. But it’s cool, the directions say, “Take every nine days. May cause dizziness, drowsiness, hallucinations, insanity, plot holes, death, and diarrhea.”

Flashback to thirteen days ago. Jack, Sawyer, Locke and Kate have gone to find Michael, who tore off from the Hatch to find Walt. Kate’s captured by the Others and used as leverage to get the Losties to relinquish their weapons. However, now we see that Michael WAS THERE, gagged up but a mere ten feet away from Kate – who apparently didn’t hear anything the Others said to Michael (even if she did, she probably wouldn’t have told anyone). Oh, and we also see Alex, Rousseau’s daughter, who sweetly fires off questions to Michael (who’s gagged) about Claire’s baby before she smashes him in the face with the butt of her gun. Interesting side note: The girl who plays Alex is the geeky girl from Malcolm in the Middle – all growns up.

Present Day – Sayid is made aware that (not) Henry’s escaped and Ana Lucia and Libby are dead. Sayid wants to join them, but Jack says, “No.” Finally Sawyer articulates everything I’ve been yelling at the TV: “Eventhough Pippy Longstocking and the Grape Ape are ideal candidates for the Dirty Dozen, I’m just gonna say we might want to bring the Red Beret.” Thank you, Sawyer. Naturally when Sawyer tells Michael that Sayid is on board, Michael freaks out (for those keeping score, this is the third time he’s acted completely irrationally, and we’re half-way through the episode).

Flashback to eleven days ago: The Others take Michael to their camp, a ratty village located by the rock formation Walt told Michael about ( In this village we also see another Hatch (, which we can assume is where Walt is being held. After Pickett takes some blood by plunging a syringe into Michael’s shoulder (and these are the “doctors” we saw in Claire’s episode?!), we’re introduced to Ms. Klugh (, an ominous “leader” of sorts who questions Michael about Walt. Naturally Michael can’t answer any of these questions because he missed Walt’s upbringing.

Cut to Present Day:

Michael: “You’re not coming.”
Sayid: “Welcome back, Michael.”

After Insane Michael’s irrationality #4, Sayid’s fully caught on that Michael’s “been compromised,” and agrees not to come. Then Vincent the Wonder Dog brings Charlie one of his heroin dolls from Sawyer’s stash. Charlie throws them in the ocean – I guess that vaccine is a way better high then heroin.

Back in the Hatch, there’s a nice bonding moment between Sawyer and Jack having guy talk while loading up their weapons. Sawyer tells Jack he banged Ana Lucia (“We got caught in a net”) because Jack’s the closest thing he’s got to a friend.

At the beach, while Hurley’s digging Libby’s grave, Michael tries to recruit him for the mission (#5, folks). Hurley states the obvious and asks why he should go. Michael prods, but Kate make him back off after Hurley denies him.

Flashback to three days ago. We’re 50 minutes in, and it looks like we might actually learn some new information about the Others considering Michael’s been in their camp for eight days. Ms. Klugh enters the tent to tell Michael that one of their people has been captured by the Losties and Michael has to get them back. Michael demands to see Walt, and she lets Walt in… for three minutes (re: the title of the show). Walt comes in (having spouting a few inches since we last saw him. Damn you, puberty!) and says that the Others make him take tests. Then Walt says, “They’re not who they say they are. They’re pretending.” Duh! Ms. Klugh gives Michael the task of bringing four people with him back to their camp, after freeing (not) Henry Gale, of course. If Michael succeeds, he gets Walt back… and the Others’ boat.

Present Day – The Funeral. Jack chit-chats with Sayid, who finally points out the most obvious thing to the thick-headed Jack – that Michael’s been compromised, freed Henry, and is leading them into a trap. During Hurley’s eulogy, he gets mad and decides to come with Michael to fight the Others (cue Michael’s subtle sigh of relief). Then Sun sees a sailboat approaching the beach… and we’re out.

Overall a frustrating episode. I’m annoyed by everyone’s naïveté at Michael’s obvious insanity. Especially Jack, our former man of Science and Logic. The back story showed a new locale, the Other’s camp, that we already know is a shame (from Kate’s finding of the costumes to Walt actually saying “they’re pretending”), so we have to expect that reveal tonight. Even the title annoyed me because I couldn’t figure out what it meant. How about “The List” or “It’s My Call”? I guess the only thing I really did like was the last few minutes when we find out that Sayid is on to Michael, thus giving him “the advantage,” and seeing Desmond’s sailboat at the end – and that’s only because seeing Desmond’s sailboat means ANSWERS!

Will anyone ask Desmond questions when they see him? What will happen when Sayid double-crosses Michael’s double-cross? After tonight will there be anything on TV to watch for the next three months????

Score (out of a possible 20)
Back Story: 5
Island Story: 6
Overall: 11


- All week Doc Jensen at has been posting interviews with the cast. Some interesting stuff, but most fluff. He interviews Jack, Sawyer, Michael, Eko, Jin, and Locke:

- M. Rod got some more jail time.

Not much else to report in the “Stuff you May Have Missed” category. All the Lost geeks are wrapped up in The Lost Experience. Personally, I’m done with that crap. The last time I played an online game was for the release of the movie “A.I.” – and what a whopping turd that movie turned out to be. These games are only marketing ploys ABC does to maintain interest in the show throughout the summer. And the Lost Experience is blatantly sponsored by Sprite. And now there’s a Lost video game, and some guy from the fictional Hanso Foundation is a guest on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. Too much, I need a break.

Speaking of turds – anyone see “The Da Vinci Code”? Ug, what a snoozefest. Worse than MI:3. All I have to look forward to this summer is X3 (which hopefully wasn’t completely destroyed by Brett Ratner), Superman, and The Fountain. If there’s anything else worth seeing out there, let me know!

Enjoy the last episode, and if Katharine McPhee doesn’t win I’ll go crazy…

Oh, and enjoy “Lost”, too.