Thursday, February 22, 2007

“Lost” – Stranger in a Strange Land

Dear Lost,

Have you been reading my diary? Because how else would you know how to pack an episode chock full of every single aspect of the show that I hate. Not only was it a Jack back story – and the TENTH one at that – but it could not have been about a more pointless topic. Did anyone ever ask how Jack got his tattoos? Of course not, because everyone knows that the actor, Matthew Fox, has them, therefore the character he plays will have them, too. After all, it IS a fictional television program we’re all watching. And there’s a laundry list of about 1000 things that warrant an explanation above Jack’s tattoos. What’s next, and story about why Hurley’s fat, or Charlie’s British?

In addition to being pointless, the back story had no payoff and featured Bai Ling, who’s one of the worst “actresses” working in Hollywood. Also, why did those Thai dudes beat the shit out of Jack? It might have helped to explain that. Here’s how I would have handled that whole back story:


Jack sits on the beach, bobbing his head and acting emotional about something. The NUMBERS are prominently displayed in random places for no reason. Libby crosses, looks to camera, then crosses off. Hurley waddles over eating a jar of mayonnaise with his bare hands.

Hey dude. What’s up with the tats, dude?

Oh these? Well, I was bumming around Thailand
for a while, and I met this crazy Thai broad that I ended up banging.


Totally. She gave me this tattoo, then her
brother beat the shit out of me for no reason.

Damn. Bitches be crazy.
(they fist bump)
So what do they mean?

Something like, “He walks among us, but he is not one of us.”

What the fuck?

I don’t know. I was wicked drunk when I got it.

Do I have their voices down or what!

All right, you get it. I hated the back story. Let’s chat about the main stories. Jack is moved from the aquarium to the polar bear cage in order for Juliet to move into his old abode. In a moment I couldn’t even believe I was seeing, Jack actually mentions to Mr. Friendly, aka “Tom”, about how the Others kidnapped Claire, hung Charlie, and did a bunch of other horrible things, to which Tom replies by tapping his “glass house” and saying, “I’ll get you some stones.” What does that mean! Jack survived a fucking plane crash, and when other survivors were systematically kidnapped and killed with no explanation, he got pissed. How dare he!

So then, while Jack is asleep in the bear cage, he awakened by a group of people. Among them are Cindy, the flight attendant of 815, and the kids that were kidnapped from the Tailies. Boy, if I were Jack I would have a bunch of questions for her, one of them being “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!” After getting a bunch of cryptic nonsense responses, Jack just dismisses them entirely. At this point I, myself, have adopted Jack’s head-bobbing, neck vein-bulging fury.

Then Jack and Juilet have a moment – Alex tells Jack that she’s going to be executed for killing douche bag – and Jack saves her life by getting Ben to stay her execution and brand her instead. Luckily she can cover up that nasty scar with a sexy lower back tribal tattoo. And Jack knows a crazy bitch in Thailand that could give her a deal.

Oh, and Kate and Sawyer make it to the big Island, argue, Sawyer gives Karl a talk about women, and we CUT TO: Karl and Alex gazing at the same constellation while cheesy music plays.

Back Story: 0
Island Story: 2
Total: 2 (a new record!)

Here’s some crap that might be more interesting than anything that went on in the episode:

  • Matthew Fox’s actual tattoo means something completely different from what they said it means. It actually means, “Eagles high, cleaving sky” and is from a poem penned by fun-loving Chinese dictator Mao Zedong. So basically the writers, who go out of their way to make sure that the fans have to freeze frame every scene so they can analyze that shit in the background, were just hoping that none of them understood Chinese. Good thing it’s only spoken by a quarter of the world’s population.
  • Oh yeah, it’s Chinese, not Thai, like we were supposed to this it was.
  • Here’s some screenshots that are totally uninteresting, like how Juliet’s brand might be an upside-down Scientology symbol. And I thought I couldn’t hate it anymore than I already did.

Now that we got that business out of the way, let’s talk about the Oscars. Last year I got 7 of 8 major categories, but this year I have no idea. It’s an absolute toss up for a bunch of categories, but here goes:

Locks: Cars for Animated Film, Pan’s Labyrinth for Foreign Film, Children of Men for Cinematography, An Inconvenient Truth for Documentary.

Most random nomination: Click for make-up?!

Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls. Wasn’t a huge fan of the movie, but that scene where she belting out “You’re gonna love me” gave me chills.

Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy for Dreamgirls. His pompadour gave me chills. Although the scene where the Jackie Earle Haley jerks off in the car in Little Children was my favorite scene of the year (narrowly beating Borat’s naked wrestling).

Actor: Forest Whitaker. He was pretty badass in Last King of Scotland. And I haven’t seen any of the other four performances.

Actress: Helen Mirren. Unbelievable in The Queen. And she’s amazing hot for an old lady.

Original Screenplay: This one I really have no idea. I thought Little Miss Sunshine at first, but then I thought the academy may lean towards Babel. I’m gonna say it’s going to Little Miss Sunshine because Babel’s gonna win some other stuff.

Adapted Screenplay: Again, no idea. Children of Men was one of my favorite movies of the year – so I would love to see it get something major besides Cinematography. Notes and Little Children were both awesome scripts. Borat’s not Oscar-worthy. The Departed may win a lot – and it was a decent-enough script. I need help, people, what do you think? But for now I’m going to say… Little Children.

Director: Scorcese. It’s Marty’s year, too bad it’s not for a better movie.

Picture: I have no clue. Either The Departed will win everything, or Babel will. Or those two will split the vote and Little Miss Sunshine will win everything. I would be annoyed if Iwo Jima won because I wasn’t a fan of that one at all. But then there’s The Queen, which despite being a glorified Movie of the Week, I thought it was amazing and engaging. But for now I’m saying… The Departed.

I would love to hear you thoughts. I need some wisdom for my various office pools.

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