Drinking with Jack Bauer
So my friends and I decide to go out on Saturday night to this place called “The Bar”. We like it for its ambiance and original name. But after being there for a while, we suddenly noticed that Kiefer Sutherland was sitting at a table. Now this place is small, so Kiefer was at an arm’s distance from me. So I figure, what the hell? I’ll go talk to him.
After walking over to him, I introduce myself and offer to buy him a drink. At this point I noticed that Kiefer was out-of-his-mind drunk. I’m talking the kind of drunk where you revert back to infancy, and you can’t hold you head up on your neck or speak coherent words. Needless to say, I immediately told all my friends to start conversations with Kiefer because it seemed like he was one of us.
My friend and I decide that shot of Patron would be nice to give Kiefer a little boost. So I bring the shot outside where he’s smoking a cigarette. As I take mine, he promptly throws his on the ground. I look at him like, “What’s the fuck, Kiefer?” and he says (in garble drunk-speak), “I spilled it out. I can’t do it. I’m sorry... I think I got some on your shoes.” Since he seemed genuinely sorry, I said, “It’s okay, Kiefer,” and led him back inside the bar.
Much to my delight, my entire posse was waiting at the bar for a chance to not only meet Kiefer, but to take advantage of his drunken state for our own amusement. So we kicked things off with a “Dance Off” between Kiefer and my buddy, Smards. Kiefer went first – his dancing was basically flailing his arms around. Smards went and promptly blew him away with such patented dance moves as the flamingo, the Wrangler, and the rubber torso. Kiefer didn’t stand a chance.
After Smards did his thing, we all applauded, and Kiefer actually got down on his knees and bowed to him. He then looks up into Smards’ eyes and says, “You wanna move in with me?” Then Kiefer looks to my other buddy, Cubes, and says, “Grab my hand.” So Cubes grabs his hand and helps him up, which leads to this exchange:
Kiefer: Grab my hand!
Cubes: I’m holding your hand!
Kiefer: You wanna fight me?
Cubes: No way, you’re Jack Bauer. You’ll break my neck in 3 seconds.
(Kiefer hugs Cubes)
Kiefer (re: Smards): Does he wanna move in with me?
Cubes: You should move into our apartment with us.
Kiefer: Fuck that. I got a mansion in Malibu!
Kiefer took a shining to Cubes and introduced him to his 19-year-old daughter, who was taking pictures of the dance off. I’m not sure how we ended things with Kiefer because that shot of Patron caught up with me. But hopefully I’ll be able to find the pictures of the dance off she took.
Gotta love Hollywood.